Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Prayer For Jack

January 30, 2007

Dear Jack,

You are truly a blessing. Your father and I have dreamed of you for a very long time. You are a miracle created by God and sent down to us from your older brother- Samuel Andrew. I thank the Lord for you everyday and I pray to be able to hold you in my arms. I pray that you are healthy and safe and content in my belly. I pray to be able to carry you as long as I can. I pray for the thought of you. I pray that we are the best parents you could ever have/we can be. I love you and someday soon we will be together.

Love, Mom

This is the one and only journal entry I was able to bring myself to write in Jack's pregnancy journal. I wrote this prayer to him the night before I had the cerclage placed. I guess I felt I needed to write something in case he or I didn't make it. I needed to put my prayer for him into actual words on paper, so that it was real. It hurt too much to write about anything else. The rest of the journal pages may appear blank, but they're not. They're filled with all my thoughts and love for him.

When I reread these words, I do believe I got what I prayed for. I prayed to be able to hold him in my arms and I did. I prayed that he was healthy and safe and content in my belly and he was. I prayed to be able to carry him for as long as I could and apparently I did. I prayed for the thought of him. He is still with me and I think about him everyday. I prayed to be the best parents that we could possibly be for him and we are. We are the best parents we can possibly be considering we're trying to parent a baby who's not with us. I prayed and I got what I asked for. But *this* is not what I asked for.

I miss you Jack.


Anonymous said...

Oh Monica,
I can't imagine.I cried like a baby when I read that.Atleast the boys are together thats what really matters.Are you guys going to try for another or is hubby still not wanting too?I am praying that whatever happens you are content with it.If you need anything email me.Take care.

Monica H said...

Thanks Erica. We are still "talking" about trying again. Right now, there are no plans and that sucks, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I just want a date to look forward to. I feel like an engaged couple who's been engaged for years, but the groom is too chicken-shit to commit to a date. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Mr. H is a chicken-shit, I'm just saying I'm ready already.

Monica said...

I know how much you love Jack, but if I didn't, your love for him is obvious from your journal entry. I know as his date is nearing it must be getting harder for you. I'm here for you whenever you need me.

The Nanny said...

What a beautiful note you wrote for Jack. Your love for him--and for his big brother--is obviously abundant. I'm so sorry things are this way for you...I truly, truly hope you get your 'take-home' baby very soon.

Rachel said...

I am so sorry that you no longer have either of your boys. Please take comfort in knowing that they are together.

Jen said...

That is a beautiful journal entry that you wrote for Jack. Be certain that he felt your love and as you said you were a WONDERFUL mother to him. Don't doubt that for an instant.

I pray that you will have what you wish for someday soon.

meg said...

Oh Monica, this is so beautiful. How can you not cry, when you read these words? It's just not possible.

I, too, can see the love in these words...for both your boys.

Kristi said...

thank you for sharing this with us. I think of Sam & Jack and everything you're going through so often. I wish I had answers for you. We're here if you need us.

froggy mommy said...

You so obviously love both of your boys. What a beautiful letter.