January 30, 2007
You are truly a blessing. Your father and I have dreamed of you for a very long time. You are a miracle created by God and sent down to us from your older brother- Samuel Andrew. I thank the Lord for you everyday and I pray to be able to hold you in my arms. I pray that you are healthy and safe and content in my belly. I pray to be able to carry you as long as I can. I pray for the thought of you. I pray that we are the best parents you could ever have/we can be. I love you and someday soon we will be together.
This is the one and only journal entry I was able to bring myself to write in Jack's pregnancy journal. I wrote this prayer to him the night before I had the cerclage placed. I guess I felt I needed to write something in case he or I didn't make it. I needed to put my prayer for him into actual words on paper, so that it was real. It hurt too much to write about anything else. The rest of the journal pages may appear blank, but they're not. They're filled with all my thoughts and love for him.
When I reread these words, I do believe I got what I prayed for. I prayed to be able to hold him in my arms and I did. I prayed that he was healthy and safe and content in my belly and he was. I prayed to be able to carry him for as long as I could and apparently I did. I prayed for the thought of him. He is still with me and I think about him everyday. I prayed to be the best parents that we could possibly be for him and we are. We are the best parents we can possibly be considering we're trying to parent a baby who's not with us. I prayed and I got what I asked for. But *this* is not what I asked for.
I miss you Jack.