"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Stressed. Need A Job. Not Qualified.

Mr. H and I work for my in-laws. They own a custom home building business out of their home. They have been doing this for 30+ years. I quit my job in July of 2005 and I have been working for them ever since. My duties are vague. I am considered a consultant. What the hell does a consultant do? I'm sure whatever "they" do, I don't. We are both on the payroll and get paid regardless of what we do. Sometimes I go to the grocery store, I make gift baskets for clients, I take trips with her, I look up stuff on the Internet, etc. It's basically an assistant job. We are both allowed to work from home as long as whatever they need done gets done. It's fairly simple, but the in-laws make it so effin' difficult. They drive me up the crazy wall. I know my blood pressure goes up when I am around them. My MIL is bipolar. She will deny it til she's blue in the face, but she is. Her doctor diagnosed her with this a few years ago, but never told her. Maybe because he was afraid of her...who knows. She has a very strong personality, and she can turn anyone into a pushover. That's just the way she is. But I swear she's crazy. She'll be fine one minute and completely upset and cussing the next. If you do anything for her, either it's the absolute best thing in the world and it could not be better, or it's complete shit- try again.

Our recent trip was like this. The ride up there was great, the ride back down- not so much. She was pleasant and friendly, making jokes, socializing etc. On the way back she took a crazy pill. She seemed fine as we left, but a few hours into it and she was angry. She huffs and puffs and releases huge sighs when she tries to make a point. I ignore her. If you're not driving just the right speed, if it's too hot, or cold, if the roads are bumpy, if something is not her way, she's a beeotch. I hate to talk about my MIL this way, but she stresses me out. The last few hours of our trip were hell. Literally. My FIL sat in the back seat with me and had the heater turned up all the way for hours. I was cooking. Anyway, MIL was pissed at who knows what (for hours) and kept taking it out on FIL. When she's mad, she takes it out on him- always. Something can always be traced back to him (no matter the problem). When we finally got home, she went inside and left us and all the stuff in the truck, because she was pissed. We unpacked everything- suitcases, coats, pillows, blankets, cameras, purses, coolers, etc. Everything. She was inside checking the messages left on the phone. She went to go sit in the living room and watched us unload. Mr. H and I then had to load up all of our stuff and the pets in our vehicle. She sat in the chair and observed, giving us the silent treatment. As we were leaving, she starts speaking to us. The car is on and running, the pets were in the car waiting and she wants to carry on a conversation!!!

Mr. H get so frustrated when she does that. It was already approaching 11 pm and was annoyed with his mom and he didn't want to listen to her bitching anymore. My FIL walked us out. He asked Mr. H to stop arguing with his mother. Another argument started. Mr. H stated that it wasn't right for her to be bitchy and take it out on everyone, and my FIL defended her. He said she's stressed and doesn't feel well. He always sticks up for her even when he's usually the target of her rage.

So my question to you is: Is it an admirable quality for him to defend his wife no matter the circumstance? or Is he just a pushover?

On another note, work has been slooooow. My FIL is showing signs of al.zheimers, like his father had. We haven't taken on many jobs because of this. He is essentially the brains of the company. Mr. H and I just do what they ask, and offer input on occasion, but he does all the contracting. My MIL draws up plans and does all the designing. Either we work together, or we don't at all. Because of this, money has become a stressor. Since they have some time (since they aren't doing any jobs for others) they have decided to renovate their bathroom. (FYI-Not a good idea of you're trying to control your stress).

Because work has been so slow, I have been casually looking for another part-time job. I love kids and since I can't have any of my own, I thought I would look for nanny jobs. I have been looking on C.raigslist. and found a few I was interested in. I interviewed with a lady a couple weeks ago who has 2 children (5 and 1). She only needed someone to watch them on Saturdays from 9-1. We had a great interview (I thought) and I emailed her about her decision to hire me and she emailed back saying she didn't think I was qualified to take care of a toddler. That hurts. Why couldn't she just say she found someone else? Why did she have to insult me by saying I wasn't qualified? I think it hurts more because my babies died. That makes me feel as though I wasn't qualified to be a mother. If I'm not qualified to take care of her children for 4 hours, then how would/could I take care of my own? I know what she probably meant was that I didn't have the experience, but that's not what she said.

I found a couple more ads that interested me and I have interviews with them tomorrow. I spoke to both of them and they seem super nice. One lady has a 14-month old boy and she needs help caring for him (3 days/week - 4 hours/day) since she works from home. Another needs a sitter for her 4 kids one night a week from 7p-2a. It seems like a long time, but they will have already been fed, and they go to sleep at 8:30. So, really I only have to watch them for about an hour and a half. The pay is average, but at least it would give me something to do and I could get away from my in-laws. Both of my interviews are tomorrow at 5 and 7pm. I wanted to bake them some cookies, but didn't want to seem like a brown-noser. I like to bake and I often bake stuff for people just because. Do you think by taking them baked goods, I am showing them my personality? or Do you think it makes me look like a kiss ass? I would never bring cookies to a professional job interview, but I felt like this was different, because it was so personal. What do you think?

13 comments:

Rachel said...

Some issues with your mother in law sound so much like my mom it's crazy.

Don't get too worked up about the woman telling you that you aren't qualified. At least you learned that she wouldn't be easy to work for before you got attached to her children.

If you wouldn't take cookies to a professional interview, I wouldn't take them to this interview. However, if the interview goes well, you may want to include them as part of the thank you.

I wouldn't enjoy working for my in-laws even though they are great people. Good luck finding some part time work you enjoy!

The Nanny said...

Eeek. Ironically, your MIL sounds like Mrs. R. Huh.

In answer to your question, I think it's an admirable trait for your FIL to have, to a point. There's a point where it's just ridiculous (sounds like you're darn close if not there already).

I'm sending major nanny vibes to you (and trust me, those are STRONG) for your interviews tomorrow. And I agree with Rachel--I probably wouldn't bring them to the interview, but when you get the job, that'd be a nice thank you gift!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!!!

Erica said...

Good luck with everything.Sending lots of prayers your way.

Monica said...

I don't think I'd bring the cookies either, but I understand why you might want to since baking for the children is something you might be doing.

Sorry about MIL. Relationships with MILs are so difficult to begin with, having anything on top of that just adds to the problem. I agree with the nanny, it is admirable if he truly believes there is a legitimate reason she behaves this way. If he's just defending her to keep her from blowing a gasket because it is easier for him, then that is not cool. It sounds like the medication alone isn't working. Has she tried some sort of therapy? Medication alone is the easy way, but having to sit down with someone to go over your behavior is an important component of therapy.

Monica... you are so qualified to be a mother. Don't ever doubt that. You are the most kind, caring, and thoughtful person I know. I trust you with Andy, and I don't trust my MIL with him! She probably just found someone that had more experience with toddlers on paper. It in no way reflects on your ability or on your motherness. Someday (soon I hope ) you will be a mother to a living child. I'm hoping and praying for it.

Lori said...

I understand the need to "stand-up" for your wife, but if she is just being ridiculous, he should say something and not back down. It'll only get worse the older she gets.

Good luck tomorrow! I'll say a prayer for you. And, I agree with the other girls. I wouldn't bring any baked goods to the interview, but if you get the job, game on!! Bring all the goodies you want.

Don't take it as an insult what the other lady said. Obviously, she doesn't know you and you found out before you started working what kind of person she really is. Just curious.....are you sharing your loss experiences during the interviews?

Kristi said...

I'm sorry the woman said that you weren't qualified, that sucks.

Good luck with your interviews!!

christyna said...

So my question to you is: Is it an admirable quality for him to defend his wife no matter the circumstance? or Is he just a pushover?....I think it's called picking your battles and it comes with age, the younger you are the more you bite and end up fighting...after years and years you realize they all blow over and to pick your battles carefully (he's smart, can he teach Walker? ha haha)

I wouldn't bring cookies, not because it seems brown nosey cause I don't think it does, mainly because in this day and age you have no idea who's allergic to what or diabetic ...

who doesn't love cookies?? Too bad I'm in NJ or you'd be hired, but only if I got the cookies :)

good luck!!

Monica H said...

Okay, no cookies. That will just save me time. And what's funny, is if anyone had asked me if I thought it was a good idea for them to take cookies, I would have said no. So, there you have it.

Also, my MIL does not take meds, because "she is not bipolar". I say she took a crazy pill, because I swear she must! to act that way. She will not go to therapy and doesn't think others should either. If you want to go, that's fine but "it doesn't work". She had a bad therapist once who told her to quit talking baout herself all the time and she got pissed and never went back.

I think my FIL is an admirable man, but I also think he can be a wuss. I wish he would put his foot down. I do realize that he's just trying to further avoid confrontation with her, but that means she wins! That's how she wants it, does he not understand?

Thanks for all your well wishes. I'll post later about the interviews.

Monica H said...

BTW, No I am not gong to tell them about my losses. I don't want themto think that I am trying to replace my babies with theirs. I don't want them to think that I would take theirs becuase I can't have my own. I think that would freak them out. But, I do not know what to say if they ask if I have children. In the original interview (over the phone) I said i didn't have any kids- I know I'ma bitch.

meg said...

Monica, I would have said the same thing on the phone. I hope things go well with the interviews!

Good luck and I would probably take cookies, but that's just me.

Christyna said...

bipolar off her meds here- ha ha no really I am.

It sucks that she won't get help because her quality of living would be like 90% better and so would ALL her relationships. it is very hard to reason with a bipolar (we are never wrong ya know j/k). She should stop being so selfish and want to get better to have a better life and relationships. I wanted to be a better mom and wife and me and I was, found out the hubby sucked tho but I'm all good can even function kind of well without them.
I did refuse meds, from age 15 to age 24. I refused to be called crazy and looked down on or pitied...I'm sure she feels the same way. It just sucks cause your FIL must reside in some small corner of hell somedays when it's bad. He's a saint, he must be.

I wasn't gonna post this, then thought nah who cares, so I posted it...how'd the interview go??

Becky said...

I'm so sorry that lady said that to you. I was in a similar situation, except it was Derick's aunt who very obviously knows our situation. Although I think her words were, "Becky and Derick aren't capable of taking care of a baby." Why? Because I can't even take care of my baby in utero? So anyway, I know how you feel.

Actually your MIL sounds a lot like my mom. I see my dad doing things just because he's going to pick his battles with her.

Good luck with your interviews and keep us posted! I'm sure that I'll email you sometime this weekend in my newly aquired neurotic state!

Monica H said...

Christyna- Thanks for leaving a comment about being bipolar. I read on your blog that you were and I hesitated to write what I did, because I don't think that all bipolars are crazy. I hope that you didn't get offended by anything I said and I thank you again for having the guts to say what you experienced first hand.