"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Thursday, January 29, 2009

Not Very Therapeutic- Part 2

Catch up- read Part 1.

After finding the contract for the cemetery plot on the desk, things were not the same between Mr. H and I. I spoke a little bit about things being too much, but I didn't go into detail about the stuff with Mr. H. But I did mention him going back to therapy.

He went to therapy specifically because of this. I was beyond frustrated and though we tried to work things out on our own it didn't work. Things got worse. We were at each other's throats all the time until I pleaded with him to do something about it. I don't think he understood how upset and hurt I was. But as much as I tried to let it go, I just couldn't.

He started seeing a therapist on his own for about 3 months. I wanted him to be at my level of trying again, so he needed to work with him one on so he could overcome his fears. I never inquired about their sessions, but I hoped he would tell me about them. I hoped he would let me in, but unless asked specifically, he's not one to volunteer information.

Starting in August, after our crazy ass vacation and the drama with the in-laws, I made my own appointment with the same therapist. I was going crazy waiting around with no progress being made. I hoped there was progress being made, but in my heart of heart I knew there wasn't. I went to my appt and let everything go. There were many things that I assumed would have been discussed between him and Mr. H that weren't ever brought up. Legally he can't tell me what they talk about in their sessions, but he confirmed that they never talked about the cemetery contract--which was the whole reason he was there! I was livid.

The following session we went together (Mr. H started in May, by this appt. it was already mid August). We were there way past our session time allotment and yet he didn't rush us out. He listened to us and tried to help us understand each other's feelings. But in the end he gave up on us. He told us there wasn't anything else he could do for us. He said our problems could not be worked out in therapy- we had to do it together, by ourselves. He said he wasn't in the business of taking our money and he wasn't going to continue to see us, unless we wanted to pay him to just listen.

Though I was very upset to have him give up on us, he was right. All we were using him for was to say what we couldn't say to each other. It forced us to communicate and it also showed us that if we didn't work things out, we would be apart. And neither of us wanted that. You know the saying, "things will get worse before they get better"? Well, that was our worst. On top of losing the boys, I felt like I was losing my husband too. I felt alone and so did he. Therapy isn't for everyone/every problem and although I think it can be very beneficial, it didn't make our problems go away.

...to be continued in Part 3.





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11 comments:

The Nanny said...

Oh, girl! It's hard to come to the cliffhanger endings! Post part 3!

Cindi said...

I'm glad that you both saw a therapist, and also glad that he was honest with the two of you.

Hopefully there was some progress with your relationship...

Rachel said...

I'm sorry.

Kristi said...

I'm hoping that part 3 is a happy next step - it's not an ending!!

Missing said...

You know, when I read the first part (just now) I thought well, it could have meant he was hopeful that you'll have another, not neccessarily that you'll have to bury him/or her, but that he/she might have a place next to you guys (since I'm assuming it's transferable after you two are gone.
Just WOW on the whole therapist thing..I've never heard of a therapist giving up.
Can't wait for part 3. thanks for sharing with us. I had no idea. *hugs*

christyna said...

As long as once you have the problem out in the open and start communicating to each other about it then therapy did work. It never fixes ANY problems. Wouldn't life be so much better if that were truly the case?? It forces you to face your problems to bring them out in the open and address them. what you do with that information is up to the individual. You got so lucky he stopped seeing you. because honestly most therapists would have kept cashing the checks all the while not doing anything more for you. I am glad that you guys were forced to see if you didn't communicate then it would end your marriage and I hope you both put in the same amount of effort as well. I went to therapy alone and with my ex, it was enlightening but he never put forth the effort, I did. eventually I saw this and realized i deserved someone who was worth that effort and felt the same for me. so communication is definitely key along with putting forth the work. It doesn't mean your problems are solved and you agree on all points on all issues. it means you understand where each person is coming from, and you can agree to disagree and you both can comprimise. Its tough it really is but I have a feeling you'll get there, together.

Hennifer said...

I'm eager to hear your part 3 for selfish reasons. I imagine after a time any good therapist would say the same to scott and I.

niobe said...

Kudos to that therapist for recognizing that, given where you were at that point, you needed to communicate with each other.

(I'd love update emails so I know when there's a post)

Virginia said...

Wow. Just wow.

mrsmuelly said...

Ooh, that's a good and honest therapist! I would have been quite angry as well. I don't know how you have dealt with it to this point. Hopefully the communication has gotten better since August...guess we'll see in Post 3.

Jaded Girl said...

so sorry my friend.