Thursday, August 7, 2008


This may not make much sense to you, as I am writing in anger.

I'm sorry to do this here, but I can't communicate with you. It seems like your opinions and thoughts on this subject are always valid while mine are always dismissed. I need to say what I feel. I need to be heard. And you need to listen and try to understand.

I don't understand. How can you tell me you "get it" or you understand things a little clearer. You "had some light shed" today. On what? The want you have for material things that are "necessities" makes absolutely no sense to me. Me wanting a baby probably doesn't make any sense to you either.

Don't tell me to stop thinking about "it". Don't tell me "if it makes you upset, stop thinking about it". *IT* doesn't make me upset. YOU make me upset. Your poor choice of words, your I don't give a shit attitude, upset me.

YES I do realize I can't have a baby on my own. YES I realize it has/needs to be a mutual decision to have a baby. I am already at the point where I am waiting for you. I have waited for you to make progress. To get to that point where you're ready. Time isn't helping anything. Therapy isn't helping anything. Me shutting up isn't helping anything. Not thinking about it isn't helping anything- and it isn't making it go away either. So don't tell me you're stressed about having this decision weighing on your shoulders. It's ALL on your shoulders. You made that perfectly clear. You wanted to be in control and now you are. Now all of a sudden the weight is too much for you? It's time for you to make the next move.

YES I do realize that material things like yachts, and mansions and toys and tools and jewelry and cars and racing are nice things, but they are not needs. And before you give me that argument of some of these are indeed needs, spare me. You know exactly what I mean. You may say having a baby is not a need, but I feel it is. How can you still want these things, but tell me I can't want a baby? When I tell you to stop wanting your "needs" you can't do that, and won't do that. Why do I have to give up my dream? Why don't you? "Oh, well there's credit cards for the things I want". Yeah, I'm sure that's the solution. If that's is what make you happy...then what's stopping you?

I wait for you every day. I wait for the day when you will finally turn and say, "I'm sorry for making you wait so long, let's make a baby. I'm ready". That's not going to happen. It's like a damsel in distress waiting for her knight in shining armor riding in on his white horse- ain't gonna happen. When you tell me I "set myself up for disappointment", you are essentially saying you are disappointing to me. Because I only believe in you. I wait for you. I have faith in you. And when you don't deliver, I am disappointed. So yeah maybe I do set myself up for disappointment. Maybe I shouldn't expect so much of you. Or maybe I just shouldn't expect anything from you. Maybe I shouldn't wait for you, or have faith in you. Maybe I should just throw my dream out the window and move on.

You are what I want. I want another you. I want a family with you. I want a future with YOU! Don't you get it?

When you find that motherhood switch and you are able to turn it off, please let me know.