"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Friday, August 15, 2008

The Ultimate Birthday Gift

Sam would be 728 (+1 for leap year) days today, or simply 2 whole years.

2 years. 24 months. 104 weeks. 729 days. Two years doesn't seem like a lot, but when you think about the amount of tears shed and the immeasurable amount of time I spend missing him, it feels like an eternity. 2 years of my life spent with a void, a hole, a bottomless pit of sadness, grief, anger, confusion, numbness, and just a feeling of emptiness.

A pit that can never be filled by anyone or anything. There will always be a part of my heart that never heals, a hairline fracture, if you will.
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Sam,

I miss you so incredibly much. I think about you often. How you would look. What you'd be doing. I dream of how you would be. But my dreams are just that- dreams. They will never be a reality for you, and for that I am sorry. My heart aches for you in so many ways and I'm sorry you never got that chance to show the world what you could be. Brilliant. I'm sure you'd be beautifully brilliant.

I love you more than I know how to explain. But I feel it with my entirety and I hope you do too.

Happy 2nd Birthday My Sweet Sam!

Love, Momma
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Everyone: I need a favor of you. I ask that you please do something unexpectedly kind for somebody else- a stranger, a neighbor, a colleague, a loved one. It doesn't have to cost anything, but a moment of your time. Open the door for someone, let a car in in traffic, pay for the person's coffee behind you in the drive-thru line, allow someone to cut in front of you in the grocery line, send someone a card, a nice email, pick flowers for a neighbor- whatever. It doesn't matter what you do, but please think of Sam as you do it. Then come back here and tell me what you did in celebration of his short life. This is the ultimate birthday gift we could ever ask for for our son.

I'd love to hear about how Sam's life can touch others all over the world.

Thank you.

14 comments:

Antigone said...

I finally sent an e-mail to my mother.

christyna said...

Sam. the name of my loved but long gone Grandfather. he was my favorite. he used to make us peanut butter and banana sandwiches. also the name of my Uncle not quite so long gone, he was like a second Grandfather and it was like losing him all over again but he did meet and hold A a few times. Sam~ the proud, lovely, strong middle name of my son. Who as it turns out has an odd likeness to yours. Anders (the scandanavian form of Andrew) Samuel. Sam, we share a birthday big boy, and while today is not the best birthday ever I am going to make a point to enjoy it, especially for you and your Mamma, and where ever Ia m on this day from here on out will forever link thoughts of you. My Moms Dad passed away on August 15 when she was 13. This day...I don't even know what I can say about it. I'm glad that I can help by doing something in memory of Sam. (that which you will know within the next 24 or 48 hours I'm sure) I too am sure he is brilliantly beautiful, and I hope if he crosses paths with my little lost one, they know eachother.

MUCH love, hugs, peace, and prayers to all of you today.

theviewfromthisplace said...

let someone in, in traffic!? *big cheesy grin* ok, ok. in the memory of your dear Sam I can certainly do more than that. I'll be remembering your Sam today. I am sorry for the pain your feeling. Your right, the spaces of time between one birthday to the next does feel like an enternity especially when filled with longing and intense raw emotion. i think this request is a wonderfully sweet one. a tiny little boy i never knew named Sam is going to compell me to be extra kind today. it really moves me. i'll report back.

Beth said...

My heart if filled with such pain, sorrow, love, hope, compassion and remembrance. I will be doing something in Sam's memory today and when it is complete, I will let you know. I can't begin to understand the immeasureable saddness that today must bring. But hopefully your amazing honorary request will bring a bit of happiness in knowing that all that you are doing to remember Sam is creating such an impact in this world. Here or in heaven (albeit not very satisfactory for you) Sam is making a change in the world for the better. You have done good Momma. You should be proud.

Brandy said...

I will definitely try to pass on a moment of kindness in memory of Sam today.

Kristi said...

Ethan & I bought a onesie for him - from "Save The TaTas" - part of the proceeds go to breast cancer research - for Sam's great-grandmother!

We'll find more nice things to do today.

Thinking of you! I think this is a wonderful way to honor Sam!

The Nanny said...

Thinking of little Sam, I've decided to put aside my fears, anger, nerves and hesitation and do the right thing: suck it up, call Mrs. R., and make a time for me to say goodbye to the girls.

Life's just too short...I owe it to these girls.

Happy birthday, Sam. Thanks to you (and your sweet Mama) for giving me the push and extra courage to do this.

missing_one said...

Happy 2nd Angelday!

I let an old lady cut in line for gas this morning.

Thinking of you all! *hugs*

mrsmuelly said...

Happy birthday sweet Sam! I will work on your present all weekend-and I'm going to involve my friends too. I'll "send" you your presents on Sunday.

Reese said...

When I thought of Sam today, I had positive thoughts. For the first time in a long time...

tyfamilyadventures said...

We didn't do anything except hang at the house,but know that all of you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

theviewfromthisplace said...

i went to visit my in-laws.

Amanda said...

Sam, I found that you and my 2 angels Emma and Logan gave me a certain peace on my first day going "out" after losing Logan. Everytime I felt myself getting mad/upset I thought of you and what your mommy asked and I felt a calm come over me. Thank you.

Monica- thank you for your request, what a wonderful way to honor your sweet Sam. I hope the day was peaceful for you.

Rachel said...

You posted this right before I was already planning to do some nice stuff for people, so I had to wait and come up with something just for Sam.

This morning we helped with a breakfast on campus for all the new students. One girl had skipped an event last night because she was homesick already and wanted to call her mom. I heard her say this, waited a second, then asked if I could give her a hug. She seemed so grateful.