August's Story

It's been a week to the hour since our sweet bunny, August died. It seems like forever ago yet it's still so fresh in my mind.

I've mentioned before that he had respiratory issues. Over the last three years we've made several emergency vet visits late at night. We've shed tears because we worried about him and we feared we'd lose him. But he kept on truckin'. He always did. He'd have an "episode", where he's produce extraneous amounts of mucus, he'd gasp for air, he'd clear it, then he'd be fine and act as normal as could be. It was baffling.

A few weeks ago he started hacking, we checked on him and instead of clear mucus it was dark green, like spinach. He rushed him to the vet at 2 am, and the vet said it looked like stomach contents and diagnosed him with having reflux disease. Alright then. As always, once he did his thing, he was fine. Last week started off the same. I held him in my lap, stroked his soft fur, whispered in his ears and gave him kisses on his head. His heart rate was elevated but he seemed okay.

Then all of a sudden mucus started coming from his nose, he was gasping for air, then he started kicking, he began to thrash and tried to escape me. We tried to calm him down and hold him still because we didn't want him to hurt himself. He kicked off of me, scratched my neck, so I gave him to Mr. H. He tried to contain him and he did the same thing. I took him back and as he kicked, he fell onto the floor, which was only a foot and a half off the ground.

I worriedly picked him up, only to find that he was no longer kicking but eerily still. He was still breathing at a rapid rate, but his body seemed lifeless. I began to panic and cry. I just knew he was dying. Mr. H called the ER vet and they told us to bring him in. We scurried around the house, with him swaddled in our arms, trying to get our shoes on. I was freaking out and beside myself. Mr. H was holding him as he took his last breaths. He was gone.

It just happened so fast. It was/is so surreal. We knew one day he'd pass, but we never thought it would happen this early. He was only 3 years old. Of course this all brings me back to loss and the boys. And how I'm convinced that we're not meant to have boys and how they all seem to die on us. I feel like I've let him down. I know that his death was not my fault and I don't blame myself but I feel like I should have been able to do something for him.

We got August after the boys died because bunnies just reminded us of them. He brought us so much joy and laughter. He was such a spas but he was a sweetheart. He definitely had a personality and we will miss his quirkiness and his super soft, fine hair that stuck to everything. He helped fill a void in our lives and put smiles back on our faces. He was more than a pet and we miss him so much.

RIP August

Our bunny died unexpectedly this morning around 2:45am. We are deeply saddened and miss him terribly.

August

8/25/07 - 8/18/10

I'm Supposed To Be Happy

I'm in a funk. A big one. And I care not to talk about it at the moment so I'm going to do a meme that Sarah tagged me with on things that make me happy.

Here are the rules:

1. Mention and link back to the person that tagged you. (check)

2. List 6 little things that make you happy! (check)

3. Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know "They're it". (if you want to do it, consider yourself tagged).

This is tougher than I thought because I'm not in the greatest or happiest of moods. I was hoping this would make me think about all the good things I have in my life- it not. I keep going there. (dig deep Monica, dig deep!)

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1. Mr. H- He's (mostly) patient with me and supportive of all I do. Though he's told me I'm not allowed to use the "high heat method" to roast chicken anymore :-) Something to do with smoke alarms and such...

2. Sam and Jack- Though that's a given. I love them with all my heart. And then some.

3. Autumn- When I'm sad or down or just so-so, she does something to make me laugh. She's such a goof ball and a hairy lover. And she never complains- gotta love that!

4. August- Because he's such a little stinker and he gives Mr. h attitude when he tries to feed him or change his litter box. But he so lovable with me. Except for that one time when he bit my boob!


5. My friends- Because they try to understand and they're there for me. They let me know I'm not forgotten. Thank you.

6. Blogging/Baking/Photography- It fills up my off time and it keeps me busy. In turn I've made a lot of online friends who have been far more supportive than I ever thought possible.

There, that wasn't so bad.

Opposite Day

It's rainy and gray. The house is dark and still.

I need to be reminded of brighter, happier moments like this one.


And this one.


What thoughts or images make you happy?

TTC Distractions

I've been kind of quiet lately. Which I guess is a good thing because it means things are pretty uneventful. When I first started blogging it was to release my feelings, to help alleviate some of the grief, or help it along anyway. It's been 2 and a half years since Sam died and 2 since Jack. My grief isn't what it used to be. I never thought that I would rise above the overwhelming sadness and I have.

I can't say that I've gotten over my losses or my boys, but I'm moving forward. You know the cliche saying "Time heals all wounds" well it's not true- as you all know. But there is a quote that I read long ago that has stayed with me. "Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that heals" And over the past 31 months I have cried, prayed, screamed, plead, yearned, missed, loved, and lived. It's been a long journey to get here and it feels safe.

We've been TTC for 4 months now and it feels good to be making some progress. To know that we're building our future one day at a time. But I'm scared shitless. I'm not scared of conceiving and I'm not scared of the pregnancy. I'm scared to lose. I almost feel like I did when we were TTC Jack. I felt hopeful and full of information that would save our baby. I didn't feel the least bit of skepticism. I honestly believed that that pregnancy would be different. People even believed and told me it would be different. I believed them. We planned for it we took precautionary measurements to bring him into this world and our plan failed.

I'm starting to feel hopefully optimistic again. I'm equipped with even more knowledge, we've found better, more skilled doctors and we've properly grieved (well, we're not quite through grieving, but you know what I mean.) Hell, we bought a cemetery plot. I'd say we're more than prepared. I feel like we're ready, like our time has finally come and I just don't want to be disappointed again. I don't know how to do this all over again. I just can't.

So please bear with me as I post pictures of my pets, cake, jewelery or flowers, basically anything and everything that is completely unrelated to TTC. It's my way of coping when words fail me. It's a distraction that keeps me from stressing.

Happy Homecoming Day

This day last year we brought home a new baby boy. He's not so little anymore.

When we first got him, he was about 7-8 weeks old. That puts his birthday around the latter part of June, but since he came to us in August, this will be the day we celebrate his furry little life.

August 2007- He weighed 1.22 pounds. He fit snugly in the palm of my hand, but stretched out to about 10-12 inches. He liked baby carrots, green leaf lettuce, apples, and oatmeal. He didn't eat much then, but things have changed just a bit.

August 2008- He weighs just over 2.6 pounds. He still fits in my palm, but he's better supported with two hands. He's about 18 inches long when he's standing on his hind legs. He still loves organic baby carrots, but no longer likes oatmeal. He loves mixed baby greens and sweet potato spears. He doesn't leave anything behind and seeing as his weight has doubled in the last 12 months, it shows.

He still peers over the edge and makes a complete mess of his cage, he has managed to make a 50 pound dog jealous of him, he has learned how to play hide and seek, and has even stepped in for the Easter bunny.

He's brought laughter, many smiles and hairy blouses to this household over the last year. I really feel he was brought to us by two little special boys. So, thank you Sam and Jack for guiding this little one into our lives.

Happy Homecoming Day, August!

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The recipes for Sam's Red Velvet Cupcakes and Oatmeal Raisin Sandwich Cookies are now up! Go bake something and make someone happy :-)

Life In The ER

Bunny had his first trip to the ER this weekend.

At about 2 am Sunday morning, he started wheezing. At first I thought he was just mad at something (Autumn) and was making funny noises. If he feels threatened or if we change his towel out when he doesn't want it, he grunts. But we listened and it sounded like he was coughing.

Mr. H rushed over to check on him and he was still wheezing. He was sitting in the corner of his cage in his litter box, still. He picked him up and he could feel and hear a rattle in his chest. He looked to be struggling for air. He had a long string of mucus hanging from his nose and mouth and I immediately panicked.

I thought he was going to die.

Mr. H held him while I looked up an emergency clinic in the area. We knew of one, but they don't see "exotic animals" (rabbits) so they referred us to a different clinic over 15 miles away. There wasn't anything closer and I feared he would stop breathing on the way over there.

I held him wrapped up in a blue gray cotton towel and held him close to my chest the whole way there. We drove about 90 mph the whole way there til we got pulled over by a patrol. We told her it was an emergency and she let us go, only because she had taken a dog there to the same hospital that was hit by a car earlier in the day.

I kept listening to his breathing and he sounded fine. He wasn't in shock or distress. He just wanted to look outside the window. We got to the ER and they took him to triage. They assessed him and didn't see or hear anything wrong. They think it was just a mucus plug that he needed to get out. Since it was a first time occurrence, they didn't want to put him on antibiotics. Apparently, the antibiotics can upset their stomach, cause vomiting, diarrhea and appetite loss. They suggested x-rays of his lungs if we wanted them ($170). But they were pretty sure this was just a one time thing. They have a prescription on file if we need it, so we just have to watch him closely.

All I could think of was that he was going to die and this was God's way of telling me I wasn't meant to have boys.

But he is fine.

Review

We visited Mr. H's grandma over the weekend for her 88th birthday. She lives about 3.5 hours from here, so it wasn't so bad, but it is just so darn hot. All of her kids (all 7 of them) were there, and most of their kids. It was a nice, but long weekend.

While we were there, we went to see Sex & The City. Their movie tickets are only $4 so we decided to watch it there, than at home. I was kind of disappointed in the movie though. I've read other reviews about how they loved it, but I just didn't. I think the series is so much better. I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen it, but it wasn't at all like I expected. There was a wedding and there was a baby, but not like you think. And I didn't understand why there was a microphone looming over the actors throughout 90% of the movie. That's just bad editing. I don't get it. I would watch it again to give it a fair chance, but out of 5 stars, I give it a 2.5.

Mr. H and Aaron went to a water park with his aunts, uncle and cousins. We saw them over the weekend, and invited us, but I had to go to the dermatologist and take Bunny to the vet, so I couldn't go. That's alright though, because you know how I feel about germy water (#8). That is not my cup of tea- hot, sweaty, floating around in pee water, and getting burned- no thanks.

I took August to the vet today to get his nails trimmed. This was his first visit and he did very well. I was apprehensive about taking him, because I knew they would give him an exam and determine the sex. I have assumed he was a boy, because that's what I feel he is, but I don't see or feel any testicles. Mr. H has had 2 male bunnies prior to this one, and at about 6 months, the testicles should "drop" and be visible. Well he's approximately 10-12 months and there's nothing there that I can tell. He got his nails trimmed, got his heart listened to, got weighed and got "sexed". He is indeed a little boy- whew! and he has gained weight. He is now 2.6 pounds and stretches out to about 18 inches. Cuddled in a ball, he is about 8-9 inches long. He has doubled his weight and has grown a few inches since we first got him. Way to grow Mister!

On Wednesday, Autumn will get groomed and bathed. I know she doesn't love it, but she'll look (and smell) so much nicer when it's all done. She needs a haircut before we go on our trip this weekend.

I've been having symptoms. Pregnancy symptoms. Except I'm not pregnant. When I was pregnant with Sam, I could not wear my wedding rings because they would irritate my finger. My ring finger would get red and itchy but only when I was pregnant with him. I haven't had this happen in 2 years, but it's back. And it reminds me of him and being pregnant everyday. Also, my nipples are so tender. They really hurt and I'm not sure why. Mr. H thinks it's PMS, but I've never had that symptom before. The only time my boobs ever hurt was when I was pregnant. So of course, I ran to the bathroom to POAS but it was negative. I've gotta stop doing that. I knew it would be negative, but I hoped anyway. I know my time will come and I'm not writing this to get sympathy comments from you all, I just don't get it. Will I always find ways to connect my current situation to my boys, and getting/being pregnant the rest of my life? Is there a real connection, or am I just grasping at anything that I can tie back to them?

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Congrats JGirl and Coggy! I wish you a healthy, safe and successful pregnancy. Many blessings to you both.

Easter Expectations

I imagined this Easter to be much different than last year. I expected the grief to subside. I expected happiness in life and in the holiday to resurface. It isn't and it hasn't. I should be posting a picture of my two curious, (probably clumsy if they're anything like me) full of life boys running through the grass in their oh so cute, way too expensive cuddly Easter outfits with appliqued fuzzy lambs and bunnies in search of the golden egg. But I'm not and I can't. This will have to do instead. Perhaps next year.

Happy Birthday Sam T. We miss you!

12 Months. 12 Facts.

It's the last day of 2007. I have mixed emotions about this year. It was a year of heartache, yet it was still the year I gave birth to my beautiful son and became a mother to a second child. I thank God for my experiences, because I know I will gain something from them all, but I wish there wasn't such a high price to pay to learn a life lesson.

January- Got a cerclage in hopes that everything would work out and I would have a live baby.

February - Jack died and we made funeral arrangement on his dad's birthday. He was buried the next morning.

March- I met with the peri and he gave us the go ahead to try again.

April- We took a much needed spiritual trip to Santa Fe over Easter. Made lifelong friends at a pregnancy loss group.

May- Raised $1015 and walked for my boys in The March of Dimes and celebrated Mother's Day crying over their headstones at the cemetery.

June- Enjoyed a relaxing weekend on the coast and had another birthday.

July- Picked wild strawberries from a field with Sam and Aaron.

August- Celebrated Sam's 1st birthday with a balloon release. Got a bunny named August and started a blog.

September- Made Autumn treats for her 3rd birthday, and tamales with my family after my mom had surgery.

October- Started a new support group and made new friends. Met Andy and Ethan for the first time :)

November- Found a new (good) doctor I like- not a small feat.

December- Grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. Realized that even though I wasn't able to physically spend Christmas with my boys that they spent Christmas in Heaven with the birthday boy. And that must have been the best!

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Now for a few little facts about me that you should know as we enter 2008. Thanks for the idea Monica and Holly!

1. I don't like warm cream cheese or dishes with corn in them- yuck!

2. Although I think corn is fascinating. You can do so freakin' much with it. For example: corn on the cob, corn niblets, creamed corn, corn meal, polenta, corn starch, corn oil, plastics, ethanol, the list goes on. I'm kinda like the bubba gump of corn.

3. I DO NOT drink water from the bathroom faucet- no exceptions!

4. I'm addicted to lip balm and deep conditioners. Not because I'm dry or chapped, but because I like to be extra hydrated.

5. Mr. H is the only man I have ever been with and we've been together for almost 9 years.

6. I am a jealous person. I do not want to be, but I am.

7. I am a judgemental person. Again, I do not want to be, but I am.

8. I have a fear of cold wet places. Well, not really a fear so much as it just completely grosses me out. I DO NOT like to touch the shower wall, or shower curtain. I don't like to pick up shampoo bottles that are cold and wet because the water gets trapped in the lid and then it spills down my arm- gross. I also don't like to put my feet flat on the shower floor- it makes me feel dirty. I don't like to shower after someone else, because I feel like their germs are "fresh" and they're going to get on me. Probably why Mr. H and I have separate bathrooms. I think I am a little crazy!

9. My toe nails are always painted a shade of pink or red, they're never bare because I don't like my feet.

10. I am ashamed and disappointed in myself for contemplating divorce. (Honey, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me.)

11. I've never been drunk. (I'm thinking maybe I should give it a try!)

12. I really believe that David Ball wrote the song "Thinkin' Problem" for me. Ha! That makes me laugh.

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Okay, that's it! If you have any fun facts about yourself, leave them in the comment section. I'd love to read them. And since it's the last day of the year, if you're a lurker, stop reading long enough to say hi, then you can go back on your merry way. And while you're at it, stop by to visit Virginia and wish her well. 4 years ago today, her son, Ben, left this Earth far too early.

And before I forget, here is a photo of August and Autumn I took to send out with the Christmas cards. I did not send this one, but I thought it was funny. Autumn is a little jealous of August and she didn't want to sit next to him.

Spiffed Up & Sheltered

Autumn went to the professional groomers on Monday to get all spiffed up. We usually go it all ourselves but she was starting to look shabby and needed a trim. She got her ears cleaned, teeth brushed, feminine region shaved and sanitized, nails cut and hair trimmed. And when it was all said and done, she smelled like spice cake. By the end of the day, she was worn out.

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August got a new toy. Since he likes to burrow under the towel, we got him an igloo to hide in. He seems to like it, but he still manages to mess up his towel. He likes to sit on top of it and look out. And yes, he is eating the towel even though he clearly has food right next to him. I tried to take the thread out of his mouth and he snapped at me.

Look at that sexy bunny. Playboy has got nothing on him!

The Hairy Ones

Mr.H and I are going out of town this weeked for the 40th wedding anniversary party. I made a gift for the couple which I'll post a picture of when I get back on Sunday. For now, here are a few pictures of Autumn that Monica requested and one of August because he looks so funny. Have a good weekend everyone:)

Autumn playing outside on her birthday and resting (because she works so hard) on the wicker love seat on our back porch

Sleeping on the chair (because she has worked so hard) in the office which she doesn't fit in and eating a carrot which makes her look like she's smiling. She had to have one because August got one- goofy dog!

Tearing apart her crabby while looking at me like she's so innocent and burying her nose in the green green grass.

And August looking up into the camera as he runs around on the couch. Look at those thick Liza Minnelli eyelashes.

Hide & Seek

Where's August?

There's August!

"I was hiding, Mom!"

Bunny's New Name

Hazel is the official leader in the poll with a majority vote of 50%. Thank you all for voting on his name. However Mr. H did not approve. He said it was a girl name and it was inappropriate. I kinda agree. I love the name, but since we found out he really IS a boy (I saw his stuff), it doesn't really fit. He likes the name August, and so do I so that is what we will call him. Sorry Lori! We chose the name August because it is a special and bittersweet month for us. This is the month our whole lives changed. It's the month our hearts were shattered and grew back even bigger. It's the month Sam was born in. It's the month Jack was supposed to be born. It's the month we got our bunny. Maybe the month of August doesn't always have to be associated with heartache anymore. We can now think of the month as a new beginning, of love and a new life for our bunny named August.

Autumn Turns 3 and Bunny Acts Up

Saturday was my little girls birthday. I call her my little girl, but she is my dog. She is so sweet and if you have dogs, you know they are like second children, only in this case she came first. I love her and spoil her rotten (but she is disciplined) so on her birthday (September 15) I made her doggie biscuits. I made them out of oatmeal, cornmeal, cheese (her favorite) and crumbled bacon. I cut them into bone shapes as well as pumpkins, acorns and fall leaves. Her name is Autumn so it was appropriate. The pictures below are of her acknowledging the cookie I had in my hand, jumping up for it, and eating it. She loved them!

Bunny had to be the center of attention on Autumn's Day (of course). I guess that's what siblings do. Now I have something to look forward to. I woke up Saturday morning to find Bunny's cage a mess. He moved his litter box to the other side of the cage, knocked out half of his litter, and spilled his water all of his cage and the floor. His new trick is to peer over the edge when I open the lid of his cage. He stretches completely out and leans forward. He's going to give me a heart attack. I shoo him back into the cage and he goes right back to the edge. Little daredevil. Here are some pictures I took of him Saturday as I cleaned his cage. He immediately went to the corner to hide behind the box. He kept threatening to jump, so I put his box over him and sentenced him to bunny jail. Do you think he learned his lesson?

Rock The Vote

For the whole two people who voted on Bunny's new name, will you vote again? I needed to add a name I forgot to the poll and it made me start over :( This time you can vote for multiple names. How exciting!

Penguins, Elephants, and Dragonflies Oh My!

HinkaDinka! That's the name of my husband's imaginary friend (when he was a child, not a current friend). I think that is so cute and mighty creative. Now, why can't we think of a name for our bunny. We still call him baby bunny. He deserves a name, but it's just not coming to me. I don't like names like Snowball and Fluffy, and I don't want a name like Max either. I want a name that says something about his personality and why we got him. He's feisty and stubborn, cute and cuddly, playful and really smart. It seems the only names we can think of are really corny and cliche - Marshmallow (not my choice), Brulee', Oatmeal (Oatie for short-because he looks like it and he loves to eat it). I want to call him Finn or Finch after our nurse we had in the hospital who helped deliver Sam and watched over me when Jack was born. Her last name is Finch and I just love her. I don't know...

Also, I'm officially addicted to A.mazon.com. They have everything! I am really into elephants because they remind me of the boys, so I searched for elephants and numerous pages of zoo like fun produced. They have baby bedding titled Animal Antics and I love it and I want it now! It has elephants and penguins and dragonflies on it. Anyone who knows me, knows that is a prize combination. I am not pregnant and I don't know when I will be, but I want this for our future nursery. Some would say that's a little crazy, maybe even risky, but I can't help myself. We never decorated a nursery for the boys, and I want to be able to do that for our future children and personalize it for them when they come. I'm not going to paint the walls a baby pastel, or have the nursery fully decked out before I even get pregnant, but I want to have it and save it for when that special moment arrives. My husband did not tell me I could not order the bedding, but I'm sure he thinks I'm nuts. I have the web page minimized on my computer and I look at it every couple of days just to make sure I still like it. I don't want to make this an impulse purchase, so I'm going to think about it a little longer, then we'll see.

Baby Bunny Update

We still don't know the gender, but I am pretty sure it's a boy. The damn pet store won't call me back to confirm. He has teeth (I know, because he bit me). He likes baby carrots, but not carrots with tops??? He does not like sweet potatoes or strawberries and not really fond of apples, crackers or cherry tomatoes either. He rather enjoys green leaf lettuce, but I've been told that too much can cause gas, bloating and diarrhea. That's no good, so I'll have to limit his intake. He does like his orchard grass, which is similar to alfalfa. I also read they like oatmeal, so I'll give that a try. I gave him a cardboard box to play with and he's having a good time chewing off all the corners and tossing it around his cage. We don't have a name picked out yet, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

Welcome Baby!

We are proud new parents to a brand new baby - a brand new baby bunny! He or she is so darn cute! The pet store told us it was a boy, but we are not totally convinced, so we haven't named it yet. It's coloring looks like oatmeal or cream of wheat. I love it! It's not the baby we always dreamed of bringing home, but s/he is pretty special. He is a Netherland Dwarf. We are not sure of the age, we are thinking he is a couple months old. He weighs a whole 1.22 pounds. He's about a foot long when totally stretched out, but cuddled up in a ball, he fits in my palm. As I'm writing this, he is sitting contently on my chest. He loves carrots. Not all rabbits do, but within 3 minutes he devoured a whole baby carrot. He's eaten about 5 so far. At the pet store he was drinking from a mounted water bottle, but as you can see in the picture he drinks just fine out of a little cup. Sam has had two other bunnies growing up, but this is all new to me. Henry lived to be 8 years old and Bito was 12 when he died last August. His Dad built this cage about 20 years ago and all the little cups and towels have been used with each pet, now it's our turn. We have bunnies roaming around our neighborhood and they have always reminded me of the boys, so I'm sure they sent him to us. Thank God for Little Bunnies!