Calendar Issues

Went back to work yesterday after being off for 5 weeks. I was kind of dreading it to be honest (big surprise!) but the kids were actually well behaved and dare I say it, a delight to be around. Maybe it's just because I missed them :-)

I've thought a lot about what I want to do concerning TTC. On the 23rd, I called in a Rx for birth control but I can't make myself go pick it up. I don't usually pick them up (mr. h does) but I can't seem to ask him to go get it either. I called it in when I was still on my period and thought I would take it as soon as it was over since that's when I'd need to start it but then it felt wrong to start taking BC during the holidays so I held off. Maybe next month, but I really don't know.

After the one year mark of TTC hit, I told myself that I wasn't going to go to the doctor and that I would be okay TTC on our own without medical help until the end of February. That gave us 4 more months. Well now we're down to 2 months and February doesn't seem so far off. I'm feeling a little pressured by the calendar.

For 7 months I was charting my saliva and checking for "ferns". I continued to do this and didn't see any real patterns for ovulation. According to Ovulite, there are 3 phrases of ferning. #1 is no ferns and not fertile, #2 is some ferns and somewhat fertile and #3 is lots of ferns and fertile/ovulating. In theory, around ovulation is when you would see lots of ferning. And again in theory, ovulation would occur mid month around the 15th day. Well I collected my drops of saliva first thing in the morning before eating or drinking and I would receive peak readings (#3- fertile) right after my period and it would stay that way several days in a row. I marked the days with a number 1, 2, or 3 and I had a lot of 3's all over the place but no real pattern. When I went to the doctor I told her about this and she said I was either doing it incorrectly (you spit on a slide and view it after it's dry under a microscope- what's there to mess up?) or I wasn't ovulating. I'm going with the second.

She suggested I buy a Fertility monitor (the one with pee sticks) and use it daily. I told her I used a friend's monitor and she suggested we get our own. The thing is I can't afford the monitor or the sticks! And talk about pressure. That was worse for me, which is why I started using the Ovulite in the first place. I just can't do it. I stopped charting a few weeks ago and it's been liberating. I rarely ever think about doing it, which has been nice. And I think Mr. h feels less pressured about trying to perform and making a baby. That in itself has been an issue. I minor one, but an issue in itself. This whole thing is just stressful.

We still haven't scheduled the appointment for the sem.em an.alysis. I know in my heart the problem doesn't lie in him. It made me feel better at the time thinking that I could have been the "normal" one but I know I'm not. One day at a time. One day at a time.

We did manage to get to the cemetery to see the boys. We made it out there the day after Chrsitmas. It was a beautiful day. We cleaned their headstones, wished them a Merry Christmas and gave them a kiss. Then we went to say hello a couple of their friends- Logan, Evan and Tyler. Below is the newest addition to Mr. H's villages. I love it.

I was originally thinking that I would get on BC in December take it for 2 months and get off it just in time for our anniversary. I was hoping we could make an anniversary baby but that plan is obviously out since the BC is still at the pharmacy. I may go get it and just keep it for when I feel ready to take it and then again maybe not. Maybe I won't need it.

And I know you are trying to be positive and encouraging when you say "this is [my] year" but that's hard to read because I was told that and I started to believe it LAST year. I just feel more pressure. Not your fault in the least and I thank you for being there for me. I just wish time and cycles weren't an issue. Damn the calendar.

mr. h just asked me if I was "still hopeful". I want to be and somedays I am.