Inconsiderate Jerks

****WARNING*** negativity down below along with a really long post. If you manage to get down to the bottom, thank you for reading ****

I first wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented and supported me through the last couple (difficult) days.

A family member emailed me about my "How are you?" post (down below) and she said she has never seen this "angry" side of me before. Whatever. I clearly stated in the last paragraph that I am not angry, and I'm not. I believe what I wrote. However she is starting to piss me off. She also mentioned that she "didn't know that was how I felt about God". What way? Confused ? I am sad and frustrated because I do not understand and I may never understand why my boys are in Heaven. Isn't that normal? Does she know someting that I don't? Maybe she could enlighten me. She also said that whomever I told "f**k off" to was obviously an important person in my life or I would not have gotten upset. Whatever, again! That comment was made to whomever feels like my losses are insignificant. Maybe she was offended because she thought I was talking about her. I wasn't referring to her, but now I am beginning to understand why she was affected by my post. Maybe she is paranoid because that's how she feels and her secret is out. Who knows? I was just pissed that she had the nerve to judge me by how I felt/am feeling. This is MY personal space in the world, where I can say or write or feel ANYTHING I want without having to explain, apologize, or justify my words. The great thing about this blog, is that if you don't like or agree with it you don't have to look at it- simple concept really. I was hurt by her comments.

And by the way, my Mom told me today that this same person was hesitant to come to Sam's birthday balloon release in August (which explains her last minute RSVP) because "isn't that a little much?" (her exact words). That REALLY pisses me off. If it was too much for her to comprehend she didn't have to come. It's not like I asked for birthday gifts, it was a frickin' remembrance ceremony in honor of my son who died. We had a balloon release and had cupcakes which I made and paid for. All she had to do was come and pretend to enjoy herself. How difficult is that to understand? Why is that going overboard, why is that "a little too much"? I hurt and that is how I grieve. I guess because it is different from her type of grieving it must be wrong. How close minded and ignorant must one be? I lost two, 2, dos, a couple (not one, but T-W-O) sons in a span of six months and I am entitled to do whatever I want in order to keep my sons' memories alive and in order to heal. I should not feel compelled to watch what I do or say or feel because she may not approve. How dare she?!!!

Speaking of jerks, my Dad called me today. I was at the hospital with my mom who was having jaw surgery and my phone rang long enough for the caller ID to register it, but I guess he hung up, because there wasn't anyone there and he didn't leave a message. Coward (but I give him props for even thinking about calling). I haven't spoken to my Dad since last August because he said hurtful things to me after Sam died and didn't come to the funeral because he had to work (he's self employed). I don't think he meant them to be hurtful, but they did hurt, and he made no apologies for them. He thought since I was the one that was mad, I should be the one to call him. He'll be waiting a LOOOOOOOng time if he's waiting for that phone call. I have no desire to speak with him. He doesn't even know about my second loss of Jack. I don't even think he knew I was pregnant with him either. It was his choice to not be a part of my life, so I make no apologies for his lack of knowledge or relationship with me.

I'm sick and tired of being in one-sided relationships with people. All my life I have always done for others and given 110% of myself to people just to get knocked down. I remember peoples birthdays anniversaries etc. I send cards, and sometimes gifts, I am thoughtful and considerate. I send out holiday cards every year with thoughtful messages, not just a signature. It's time consuming but it's worth it for me to show my dedication to them. He doesn't even remember my birthday if my brother doesn't remind him. I could easily be forgotten by him if it weren't for my older brother. A person I used to know is the same way. I don't call her a friend because she's not one, but we went to school together and were close for a long while until I realized I was the only friend in the duo. Why? Why do I try so hard and get nothing in return? Why don't I deserve to be special every once in a while? Why don't I deserve to feel important or appreciated? (This is not a feel-sorry-for-me post, I'm just pissed at certain members of my family for not caring even a little bit) It's not fair that I am the only one who finds it important to maintain a communication and respect for people when they could not care less. I feel like an idiot for trying so hard to love and give and it's not even acknowledged.

I am no longer going to try so hard. If you don't like me for me, then you're not worth investing my time in. That is what Sam did for me. He gave me the strength to be myself and to not put up with peoples' crap. He showed me what is really important and I miss him dearly. I'm just saddened that it took losing him to figure that out. Was that my lesson to be learned?