What Stupid People Say (Edited)

Last fall when I was making an appointment to see a new OB, I had to fill out new patient paperwork. On this form, they inquired about my father's medical history and his birth date. I could remember the year he was born and my mom couldn't remember, so I googled his name hoping to find something.

I browsed page after page after page, then I found something. But it wasn't exactly what I was looking for.

On an alumni website was info for my step mom and dad. You know, general stuff like where they live, their occupations, hobbies, number of children etc. Then I read the words that broke my heart "happily married with no children".

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I was in a really good mood today when I got to work (more on this tomorrow!) and the house was oddly quiet. LD and Polo were asleep and A. was in the back bedroom getting ready. I straightened up the toys in the living room then A. came out into the living room. We exchanged a few words about our weekends then Polo started to fuss as he was waking up. She went back into the room to get him and I followed behind her, continuing our conversation.

I noticed Polos tiny round head peaking up in the bassinet. A. and I stood in the doorway talking while Polo began to fuss some more. She went to get him and I noticed he was sleeping on his stomach. I asked her if he was sleeping on his stomach and she said yes.

She said she spoke to her pediatrician about Polo sleeping on his stomach and her pedi flipped out and told her she needed to stop putting him down on his stomach to sleep. She argued back and said she did it because he sleeps better that way. The pedi told her to stop doing that immediately. At Polo's last check up, the pedi asked her if she had stopped and she lied to her and said she had.

She was telling me about their conversation, while LAUGHING. I interrupted her laughter and said "your doctor is concerned because of the risk of SIDS". She said, "yeah I know, but babies have been sleeping on their stomachs for years and they're fine. LD slept on his stomach and he's fine."

"7,000 babies each year die -nearly one baby every hour of every day." Again, why does she think she's exempt?

**ETA: I'm not opposed to babies sleeping on their stomachs. In fact 13 years ago when I was taking care of Aaron as a baby, I would lay him down on his belly because that's how he fell asleep and if I put him on his back, he'd wake up crying. I'm not saying babies shouldn't be on their stomachs. I think every baby is different and require different things. When I was reading SIDS stats yesterday, they don't even know if putting a baby to sleep on their backs even helps reduce the risk of SIDS.

What upset me with this situation was that she just acted like it wasn't a big deal. Like it wasn't going to happen to her so she didn't need to comply, even at the urging recommendation of her pediatrician. If someone told me that I may have been putting Aaron's life at risk, I would have altered my behavior- she laughed. **

The Next Step?

After Sam died, I quit talking to my Dad. I didn't intend to, but that's what happened.

I remember when I told him I was pregnant. I was out of town with my MIL...I'm not sure if Mr. h was there or not, but we were at Wal*Mart of all places in the evening. Okay, now I remember what we were doing there, we were buying ceiling fans for his grandmother (so I guess he was there). Anyway, I remember him being excited for us. Not any more so than anyone else, but excited. I think.

As far as I can recall, we kept him updated throughout the pregnancy, but I only had a couple dr. visits and there really wasn't much to update him on. On the early morning of Sam's birth, Mr. H called my Dad to tell him what was going on. I couldn't speak to him or my step mom. I was an emotional wreck. I got up to go to the bathroom because I felt funny down there and when I got to the bathroom and wiped, I felt Sam's foot hanging outside me. I was hysterical so Mr. H cut their phone conversation short. I don't know if we spoke to them while at the hospital again.

When we came home 2 days later, after making funeral arrangements, I called to tell my Dad. I expected him to come to the service. He did not. He said he had to work and couldn't take time off even though he works for himself and manages his own schedule. He later called and wanted to come a few days after the funeral so we could "spend time together and have fun". I think I've mentioned all this before, but it still bothers me so I'm saying it again.

I've been thinking about my Dad a lot lately. Well, not really a lot, but I miss having a Dad. Our relationship wasn't always the best- he never remembered my birthday, we never celebrated holidays together, he asked for a paternity test so he wouldn't have to pay child support- our relationship was not that great, but it was something. Sometimes I try to convince myself that not having a father was better then having him as a father. But I haven't truly convinced myself of that yet.

I've been thinking of writing my Dad to tell him how I feel. I know the things he said after Sam died ("it was Gods plan", "it wasn't meant to be", "there must've been something wrong with him" etc etc etc) weren't meant to be hurtful. I know that now, but it has taken me over 2 years to get to this place. I want to write to him rather than call because I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to be interrupted by what he has to say. And I really don't want to talk to him, I just want to make amends.

But then I remembered today, that I tried to reach out to him. About 6 months after Sam died, I sent him a card and in it was a picture of Sam, a copy of the death notice from the paper, the program from his funeral, a packet of forget-me-not seeds and a blue ribbon that said "Baby Boy" along with a card that had his birth info and his footprints on it. I guess this was my way of trying to make contact with him. I tried to make the first step towards reconciling. He never reached out to me. He never responded to my card, never had anything to say about Sam- his grandson. My older brother (who lives in the same town as him) told me about a year ago that my Dad said I was the one who had a problem. If I wanted to talk to him, I should call, because he wasn't the one who had issues. WTF?

I don't know what else to do. Of course I could call him, I could send him another note, I could've visited when I went to see my grandmother for her surgery and I didn't. I don't want/need to be left emotionally vulnerable. I'm afraid of losing again. I want him to "get it" but I'm afraid he never will. I don't need the drama! As far as I know he doesn't even know about Jack, and that just makes me sad. I want things to be back to "normal" even if things weren't all sunshine and roses.

I don't know what to do next.
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BTW, the recipes for Vanilla Buttermilk Cake and the how-to for the cake decorations are up on my other blog, if anyone is interested. My Dad may suck, but this cake doesn't.

Perfectly Made

Darla emailed me a couple months ago. She is a fellow deadbaby momma to Nicholas who was born early at 36 weeks on June 28 and passed away from complications on July 21st. She asked me to add Nicholas' name to the remembrance list. I did.

We emailed each other a couple times and she even mailed me a very sweet card for my grandmother. She doesn't have a blog, or I'd link to her, but trust me when I say she's a fabulous woman.

Then yesterday, a very unexpected card came in the mail addressed to me. Have I ever told you how much I love getting things in the mail? Well if not, I do! In fact, just last week I got a package from Nanny- she sent me fudge! Thank you again Nanny!

Okay, back to Darla... she is so thoughtful and kind. She said somebody made her a bracelet with Nicholas' name on it and she decided that every deadbaby momma she came to know would also get a bracelet with their child's name on it. So today I got two tiny blue beaded bracelets with their names on them. I cried. They are so beautiful and perfectly made by her two hands.

Thank you Darla.

A Baby Shower

Antigone,

We've followed your journey from losing your precious Henry to almost giving birth to your new son Perseus and all the fun stuff in between. I think you're amazing and you'll be an excellent mother. I have no doubts in my mind.

I'm so glad I could be a part of this. Happy Virtual Baby Shower to you!

Thanks Yummy Sushi and Missing One for hosting this!

~Monica

38

There are several things I wanted to blog about. Many things flowing in and out of my mind. Things that upset me, things that made me sad, things that made me cry, things that made me smile, but as I try to write, nothing comes out. I think about his stuff ALL day long, but the words aren't coming. Well obviously there are "words", but there aren't any well formed sentences and paragraphs. Bear with me. Here's a list. A long list of what's cluttering my head.

Things I think about often:

1. missing Sam
2. missing Jack
3. making a baby
4. talking mr. h into #3
5. LD
6. quitting my job
7. finding a car (touchy subject)
8. affording a car
9. cleaning house
10. decorating the tree
11. unloading the ornaments for the tree
12. making the scrapbook for my Gma
13. holiday shopping
14. having no money for #12
15. holiday baking
16. finding a mop
17. putting up the laundry
18. looking at Polo (LD's brother)
19. Wanting to hold Polo
20. Reminding myself that Polo is the enemy right now
21. Realizing that Polo looks EXACTLY like his father
22. Realizing I want a baby that looks exactly like his father (my husband not LD's father!)
23. A. is a freaking wuss
24. my friend/ ex-friend is in Iraq and I didn't even know it
25. making a stocking for my aunt's new boyfriend to "make him feel welcome"
26. going to the bathroom- I really gotta pee, but I'm too busy!
27. going to bed, but I'm too busy!
28. changing the sheets on the guest bed
29. 5k on Friday for RMHC
30. Holiday cards
31. Buying stamps
32. Having to put money in the bank to buy stamps
33. thinking more about #22
34. Wishing Sam and Jack were here
35. Wondering what they'd be like
36. Flossing my teeth
37. Vacation- God do I need one.
38. Getting through another day

There I think that's it. I feel better.

What's been going on with you?