M.I.A.

We had a thunderstorm on Saturday. While I was reading a blog, the power went out. It immediately turned back on throughout the house with the exception of the computer. We have it plugged into a surge protector, but it obviously didn't work. Or maybe it did. Our phone (which is plugged into the same outlet strip) has not been working well lately. I was about to get a new one and when the power went out and turned back on it started working again like new. Go figure. The mother board and the power supply in our computer are completely shot, but the phone works. I don't think that's a fair trade off, do you? D.ell was going to send someone out to today (Tuesday) to replace these parts, but instead they called to say that they are on back order for another week. WTF? So, we have borrowed my in-laws computer since it is essentially the same as ours and because it is imperative to blog to maintain my sanity. You think I'm kidding.

Jack's first birthday is approaching rather quickly. As the day nears (Thursday) I start to miss him even more. I cannot believe it has been a year already. It feels like it was just a few weeks ago, but then again it feels like it has been years with the amount of grief that I have been dealing with. I have been struggling with what to do to honor my dear son for his birthday. For Sam's first birthday, we had a balloon release and invited friends and family. It was exhausting but it was worth it. I loved having everyone there for him. For Jack, I wanted to do something a little different and I couldn't think of anything. I know I want to take some balloons out to him for a private release with just Mr. H and Autumn and me. I am going to make him cupcakes as I did for Sam, although I haven't decided on what yet. My FIL mentioned to my MIL that he has been thinking about it a lot lately and he wants to go to the cemetery. So we will go together as a family then we are going out for a nice quiet dinner.

This morning when I got out of the shower I started singing a song in my head. It was really strange because I haven't thought of this song in over 12 years. The last time I heard/sang this song was when I was in choir in high school. I don't know why, but it was so clear to me. And as I sang it in my head, all I could think about was Jack. I have a feeling that he sent it to me. Mr. H and I had lunch at a local cafe before running errands today and I told him about this song. I just started to cry and the tears began to fall uncontrollably. I guess this happened because I feel so much, but I never let the feelings out. I keep them inside. I always have. When I do let them out, I get completely overwhelmed by the sensations that I feel. All I know is that I love him so incredibly much and I wish he were here. I wish that this feeling of sadness would disappear forever. I wish that I didn't know what grief was.

Speaking of grief... Thursday night is also our support group. I have been going to this group for over a year. I needed this group. I needed the people in it. I felt better when the group ended, but shortly there after I felt like I was in need of 'more'. The facilitator of this group is the chaplain of the hospital where I gave birth to the boys. She is wonderful in so many ways. She really helped us to get where we are now. Which doesn't really look like much, but we've come a long way from where we were. I often feel stuck, but I know we have overcome many obstacles and I think she and that group have helped. I was planning on going to the group, but Mr. H doesn't get as much out of it as he used to. We didn't go last month because we were out of town for Marie's funeral. I really thought we'd go this month because it was Jack's day and I thought we'd need the support. Well, Mr. H is right. The group doesn't offer us what it used to and the dynamics have changed. Everyone in the original group has either quit attending, had a baby or is currently pregnant and since we are no closer to TTC as we were 6 months ago, this can be difficult some days.

Also, he feels pressured into speaking and when he does he just pisses me off. He feels like he doesn't say the "right" things and I'm going to get mad at him. I'd like to say he's wrong, but he's not. He does say the wrong things and I do get mad at him. Maybe I feel that once a month he is supposed to agree with what ever I say. Maybe once a month I want him to say that he wants to try again. Maybe once a month I think he should confess his deepest darkest secrets and confide in me and the group about his desire to be a father. Maybe once a month he should just support me and my decision/need to be a mother. Not going to happen. Maybe that's why once a month, I get so pissed at him that I want to run over his face with a semi. over.and.over. (repeat if necessary). Maybe it's best he doesn't go. But then I'm quite positive I would guilt-trip him into going and he'll f*ck up again. It's a lose-lose situation really.

I don't want you to think that my husband is a complete assh*le, he's not. But I expect so much from him and I feel let down at times. Now I'm making him sound like a failure. He's not. I just wish he could give me a freaking date so we can try again. I just want something to look forward to. Right now, all I look forward to is the anniversaries of my babies' deaths. All I do is think about them. Day in and day out. Every moment of everyday. It gets exhausting. It makes me sad. It wears me out. I want happiness to return to my life. I'm not saying or thinking that everything will be wonderful, and the grief will go away, because I know it won't, but I have to believe that having a (live) baby will change things. I guess the reason I get so upset at him is because he wanted to wait a year. It will be a year Thursday and it doesn't make any difference to him. He could wait another 30 years and not have children and he'd be okay with that (his words). But I am not okay with that. Call me needy but "I just want a family".

Back to the support group...I want to keep going but I know that it will not be the same as it once was. I don't want to go by myself because it's kind of like counseling- both parties need to participate to benefit. When I go to the group and I see new people there, I feel nothing for them. I used to get so involved into their stories and I would start to take on their grief as well. I no longer do that. I can't. I look at these people and I feel sad for them, but I just don't want to hear about their losses. I want it to be about me and my losses. I know that sounds so awfully selfish, but I have enough of my own grief to deal with. Am I alone in feeling this way?