"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

So close

It's March and I can't help but think know that we could have a baby at home with us right now. What am I talking about? Well back in late October/ early November my mom got a call from her co-worker saying that he knew of a couple babies up for adoption because he knew of our story. His sister is head of a hospital in a small town in here in Texas and she told him if he knew of anyone who was interested in adoption to give her a call.


So I called. There were two women (one of them had the same name as me) who were giving up their babies for adoption because they couldn't care for them. They were about 4-ish months pregnant and neither knew the sex. They just knew they didn't want them. When I spoke to the lady in charge she told me that neither women were very well educated, both were Hispanic and both were in their 30's. One was married and the other was not. Both already had children.


I was also told that both babies were due in mid February and were healthy. Generally we'd have to pay for the rest of the mother's care but because they were both on Medicaid, there was no charge to us. All we had to pay was the lawyer's fees, which was about $1500. So all we had to do was wait a few months, hire a lawyer and go pick up the baby. What was stopping us?


I spoke with one mother. It was very surreal. I was basically selling myself to her, telling her all about us-- our names (first only), about our fertility history, what we did for a living, why we wanted a baby, why we didn't have children, why we couldn't have children and why we thought we'd be good parents to the baby she was carrying. I was a nervous wreck. I gave her as much info as I possibly could without sounding desperate and crazy. I also asked her a few questions.

She is married to a man who beats her, so she's separated. She currently has 6 kids though none of them live with her. 3 boys and 3 girls live with her mother and they range in age from 2-12. That's 6 kids, though this was her 12th pregnancy. Yeah, you read that right. Her first child was given up to adoption when she was 15. Somewhere in the mix she had 3 abortions and 1 miscarriage. Two of the abortions were with her husband because she didn't want to carry his children and one is because she was raped.

She told me she drank and partied a lot, except for when she was pregnant (except that seems to be all the time). She was giving up this baby because she's not on speaking terms with her mother and her mother didn't want to raise another one of her kids. Here's where the problem comes in...I judged her. I judged her for having that many pregnancies, that many abortions, for being that careless and irresponsible, for not wanting her baby, for not being a mother to the kids she had. All the while I was judging her, I felt I was being judged as well for being such a loser. She asked me to send her a picture of us and I did, anxiously, and never heard back from her. What does that mean?

I know it's wrong to have judged her. I do. If she had a perfect life, a supporting husband, the finances, etc. she would probably be keeping this baby. Then what, my judgement would end? I know that baby deserves a good life and I know we could have given it to him or her. I acknowledge that she was doing the best thing for that baby by giving him the opportunity to be raised by parents who want him. But those parents were not us.

We thought about it for a week. We thought about all we'd have to do and I became overwhelmed by the idea. I thought of how effortless it all was and got swept up in that. I liked the idea of being able to adopt and have a baby grow up with us in our quiet home. It's what we've been longing for. But that wasn't our baby. It's not because of my feelings towards the mom, but that baby just didn't feel like it was ours. I know our baby is out there and he or she is waiting for the right time to enter our lives but he wasn't it. I just feel badly because his mother didn't want him and neither did we. I hope by now he's born, healthy, happy and loved entirely by his adoptive parents.

Until then we will wait...

I know I may receive some flack for being so judgemental to a woman who was being so "selfless" but please be kind.

23 comments:

missing_one said...

I just know how great of parents you will be to living children when the time comes. You guys are so loving and patient
You have a right to judge, 'free' isn't always better, you know? (bad analogy) You're right, that wasn't your baby, but I hope your baby finds its way to you. I hope Sam and Jack and steer him/her toward you guys.
fx that it is soon. *hugs*

With Out My Punkin said...

I was judging her too when I was reading... holy cow...You deserve a baby, and I hope that your baby finds its way to you! ((hugs))

Mrs. A said...

Isn't judging part of the point of the interview? I mean she is judging you to see if she thinks you would be the right parents for her child and you are judging her to see if you can raise her child! Maybe I am wrong here...but I would have done the same thing.
And I know when the time comes you will be an amazing mother to a new baby, yours or someone else’s, just as you are an amazing mother to Sam and Jack.

Tina said...

I think you were being kind to her because as I was reading I though, "How unfair that this woman can so easily have babies that she doesn't even want, yet people like us struggle and even have babies who die." Your baby is out there waiting for you...I hope you find each other very soon. xx

Sophie said...

You certainly won't be hearing any flack from me.

I think those who have a desire in their hearts to be a mom are far more blessed in spirit than those who can carry a child without even realizing that their child is a gift. Unfortunately, she is the one at a loss here.

The desire is in you for a reason, and I think it's a beautiful one to have; there is a little one out there waiting to call you momma!

Jessica Hanson said...

I understand your thoughts, I look at parents right now and think, you don't even care about your kids, and you're pregnant again? I WANTED my daughter, I still want her. I am grieving this horrible loss, and you don't even see the blessings in front of you.

:) Thinking about you, and praying that a sweet baby makes its way into your arms.
♥jess

Seraphim said...

I'm with everyone here in thinking you did what was right for you and that is how it is meant to be. I can't imagine dealing with that kind of situation and it must have been so hard. Love you honey. You are a wonderful mother and Jack and Sam will make sure a baby is coming to you.

Becky said...

(((hugs momma))) Your baby is out there. I can feel it. I know it. He or she is waiting for the perfect time to make themselves known.

I judged as I was reading. No flack from me either.

Virginia said...

I won't judge you, and I expect I would have done the same in your shoes. Your baby is coming...don't know how, don't know when, but I believe it's true.

The Nanny said...

I could never judge you for how you feel. Ever.

Oh I hope so hard for you and Mr. H!

Reese said...

Deep down, I think people who are adopting {know} when it is their baby. Sounds weird, but I a few of my friends have been in similar situations and just had a feeling that it wasn't their time, or it didn't feel right, etc.

If it is ANY consolation, those same friends did go on to adopt a child.

{Big Hugs}

Reese

Rachel said...

I hate that people like her have no trouble getting pregnant, it really is unfair!

I'm not judging you, I'm just sorry it didn't work out. The thing is, because you knew her whole story it may have been hard for you to explain it to the child. You are right, your child will be there when the time is right.

This does make me curious though, and chose to answer only if/when you feel like it, are you pursing adoption? Or were you just sort of checking it out?

Shauna said...

i've been thinking of and wondering about those babies too...

Lori said...

No flack from my end. You were being judged, too. I just don't understand why people keep having babies and either keep them or abort them.

We have a friend who is unable to have babies due to a miscarriage she had. They have been trying to adopt for years. They finally heard on Monday that they have been "chosen" and are excited about it. They have had a lot of mothers look over their profile and never call them back. So, they were judged, too. It just took this special lady to connect with them.

Your special little one will connect with you one day. Just don't give up hope!

Andrea said...

Keep believing...."your" child is out there and when its "right" it will feel right.

Just keep the FAITH :)

PS I can appreciate your honesty.

Kristi said...

As others have said, I think you and the biological mother will know when it is your baby - if you go the adoption route.

Thanks for the talk!

jaded said...

Flack?! Are you nuts? Not more flack then I and a host of other woman have coming their way. I became a very ugly person after my losses, trust me - you are not even close to ugly. I wish I could have supported you in someway through out the period of time that you and Mr. H were thinking this over, but I know it's between you and him.
I'm glad you followed your instincts on this and I hope, like you, that the baby found parents that are worthy.
Monica - i know this sounds crazy but I feel like I really care for you and I look at the picture of you and Mr. H more often than I care to admit and all I do is pray that your day will come soon. That little baby will be so lucky to be raised in your quiet home.
Thank you for sharing this - all you have showed me is that you are far too human.

Hugs and deepest wishes for happiness always,
Jaded

The Duchess of Wessex said...

Just love and hugs coming your way from me.

You just keep following your heart. It will always be true to you.

As you already know... Having a child is a life-long obligation and once you accept an adopted baby into your life and heart, that's it! No turning back... And, I could not imagine the upset, pain and turmoil of raising a child born of a mother you had such serious reservations about. Never forget, you were right to judge, you are entitled to be comfortable and sure!

Heck! I've walked away from buying a house because I didn't like the sellers and couldn't imagine, "their" home ever being my own. I once refused to buy the car of my dreams from a man that smoked, and made an off-color joke during our purchase negotiations. Why? Because every time I got into that car, (or walked into their house), no matter how much it was cleaned up or how many years past, I would ALWAYS remember the experience of meeting and being turned off by those people.

I realize those are stupid analogies; however, I bring them up as my experiences to say just how much MORE important it is in adopting a child for you to be ABSOLUTELY comfortable - Because that child will look like and relate traits of his/her mother/father's personality/mannerisms for the REST of its life and the rest of yours!

You did the right thing, my friend. Wondering about these children that were due this month is natural - Just as you mark your own Sam and Jack's birthdays and imagine what they might be like/where they would be in their development as the months and years go by. For your own mental health and happiness I suggest you let these (adopted) babies go... Every time they cross your mind, every time you begin to recount the experience of meeting their mothers, think of Sam and Jack or something else that makes you smile. Time will heal this experience for you and in time you will know those babies were not meant to be yours. Your baby will come. And when you have your baby, I know it will have the Best mother a child could ever hope to have!

Be kind to yourself and know you are loved, and forever wished the very best!

Shazz said...

Hi new follower and another IC girl.

Lori said...

I've been somewhat in your shoes in that there have been a couple of situations where we knew that if we just wrote the (kind of big, though!) check, we'd be the parents of a bouncing newborn. Honestly, in all the situations, it was a bit sketchy...and I didn't care one bit. My husband, however, did. So they were big fat "No"s. In fact, the last one was last March and we literaly were just about 3 weeks away from our first IVF treatment and my husband just said,"No." I sort of grumbled about that because he was SO sure IVF was going to work and after 10 years of TTC, I KNEW it wasn't. Or didn't think it would, that easily, I guess.

The point is, it DID work, and though I miss Matthew every second of the day, if we had adopted, we would NOT have done the IVF and we wouldn't have had Matthew for even the short time we did. And I am so grateful for that time.

So, yes, my husband judged, and probably with good reason. When I think the same things you do--"I could have a baby in the house right now" I then remind myself that if I DID, I'd NOT have had Matthew for 40 weeks, 4 days and 8 hours. And I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Be kind to yourself. You're only human, and we sometimes judge for good reason. We may not even know it.

Anonymous said...

Your baby is out there, sweetie! I am sorry that this didn't work out but it sounds like it was for the best. It is so hard not to judge.
Jgirl2005

DeniFay said...

Being in an adoption situation now, all I can say is TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!!! you were completely right to have those thoughts and reservations. And YOUR baby WILL come & you'll just KNOW!!! praying that happens soon for you!!!!

wannabe mom said...

I just read this post and wow, you went through a lot by even looking into the costs and interviewing. I know it is not something to take lightly. I am with the other commenters that you were completely right to judge, your instincts were absolutely correct. And, imagine the drama if she were to somehow stay in touch with you as the baby got older?