So close

It's March and I can't help but think know that we could have a baby at home with us right now. What am I talking about? Well back in late October/ early November my mom got a call from her co-worker saying that he knew of a couple babies up for adoption because he knew of our story. His sister is head of a hospital in a small town in here in Texas and she told him if he knew of anyone who was interested in adoption to give her a call.


So I called. There were two women (one of them had the same name as me) who were giving up their babies for adoption because they couldn't care for them. They were about 4-ish months pregnant and neither knew the sex. They just knew they didn't want them. When I spoke to the lady in charge she told me that neither women were very well educated, both were Hispanic and both were in their 30's. One was married and the other was not. Both already had children.


I was also told that both babies were due in mid February and were healthy. Generally we'd have to pay for the rest of the mother's care but because they were both on Medicaid, there was no charge to us. All we had to pay was the lawyer's fees, which was about $1500. So all we had to do was wait a few months, hire a lawyer and go pick up the baby. What was stopping us?


I spoke with one mother. It was very surreal. I was basically selling myself to her, telling her all about us-- our names (first only), about our fertility history, what we did for a living, why we wanted a baby, why we didn't have children, why we couldn't have children and why we thought we'd be good parents to the baby she was carrying. I was a nervous wreck. I gave her as much info as I possibly could without sounding desperate and crazy. I also asked her a few questions.

She is married to a man who beats her, so she's separated. She currently has 6 kids though none of them live with her. 3 boys and 3 girls live with her mother and they range in age from 2-12. That's 6 kids, though this was her 12th pregnancy. Yeah, you read that right. Her first child was given up to adoption when she was 15. Somewhere in the mix she had 3 abortions and 1 miscarriage. Two of the abortions were with her husband because she didn't want to carry his children and one is because she was raped.

She told me she drank and partied a lot, except for when she was pregnant (except that seems to be all the time). She was giving up this baby because she's not on speaking terms with her mother and her mother didn't want to raise another one of her kids. Here's where the problem comes in...I judged her. I judged her for having that many pregnancies, that many abortions, for being that careless and irresponsible, for not wanting her baby, for not being a mother to the kids she had. All the while I was judging her, I felt I was being judged as well for being such a loser. She asked me to send her a picture of us and I did, anxiously, and never heard back from her. What does that mean?

I know it's wrong to have judged her. I do. If she had a perfect life, a supporting husband, the finances, etc. she would probably be keeping this baby. Then what, my judgement would end? I know that baby deserves a good life and I know we could have given it to him or her. I acknowledge that she was doing the best thing for that baby by giving him the opportunity to be raised by parents who want him. But those parents were not us.

We thought about it for a week. We thought about all we'd have to do and I became overwhelmed by the idea. I thought of how effortless it all was and got swept up in that. I liked the idea of being able to adopt and have a baby grow up with us in our quiet home. It's what we've been longing for. But that wasn't our baby. It's not because of my feelings towards the mom, but that baby just didn't feel like it was ours. I know our baby is out there and he or she is waiting for the right time to enter our lives but he wasn't it. I just feel badly because his mother didn't want him and neither did we. I hope by now he's born, healthy, happy and loved entirely by his adoptive parents.

Until then we will wait...

I know I may receive some flack for being so judgemental to a woman who was being so "selfless" but please be kind.