"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Grief and Moving On

Started feeling guilty so I thought it was time for another post.

I guess the reason for my absence is that I don't feel like I need to blog in order to deal with my feelings. Does that make sense? It used to be that I needed to blog about everything I was feeling or experiencing in order to process it all. And it surely helped that I shared it because I felt less alone. There were other people (you guys) that understood me.

Nowadays I'm not so overwhelmed by grief so my problems seem minor in comparison, but I'm also able to talk them over with a friend or my husband and feel okay. I guess that's what one would call "normal". Though I don't always feel normal I am able to deal with everyday life situations.

Sure I have grief/fertility/TTC news that I could write about on this blog but I think twice before I share. Often times I feel it's too personal when originally that thought never crossed my mind. Progression, maybe?

Mr. H and I are okay. We are still truckin' along. There is no exciting news to share, we're still trying to conceive every month though I try not to think about it too much. I had to quit charting my saliva "ferns", marking on the calendar when we were intimate, and tracking my cycles. It became overwhelming for both of us. Each failed month that goes by still causes us stress but we're coping.

It's still hard for me to read the pregnancy/fertility/baby blogs that I used to read. It's difficult for me to continue reading about everyone's struggles and successes. I know that may sound a little chicken shit but it's the truth. When I read new stories of loss I feel deeply saddened but I don't want to go back "there". When I read stories about those that are on the other side of loss and are pregnant or have children I feel like a failure. Half of the blogs that I used to read on a regular basis don't even post even more because they've moved on. Yeah, that's purely an assumption but it's how I feel. I still read though I don't always comment because I don't have the words.

I was talking to a friend the other night over coffee at the bookstore about surpassing the 5 stages of grief- Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Check, Check, Check, Check and Check. I didn't always know about the stages of grief, but I happened to run across something online talking about it and I thought "hey, I've conquered grief". At the time I couldn't remember all five stages so I wanted to look them up in grief books. My friend said that the because I wanted to look at grief books that I was not past the acceptance stage but still in depression. I know that's just her opinion but it's something that I can't quite shake. If she sees me as depressed, surely others do. I have a hard time accepting that. Yes, thinking about my losses still hurts and makes me sad. Add on top of that all the infertility issues and some days I feel like I'm going crazy. But I'm not stuck in the dark like I used to be. I see the light though sometimes it's a little gray and cloudy.

Guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading.

15 comments:

Seraphim said...

I love you girl and I'm still here and still reading xxx

The Duchess of Wessex said...

All this means is that you've made terrific progress. Everything you've experienced and felt is perfectly understandable. Be kind to yourself, you've earned it!

The Nanny said...

I'm still here reading too — and thinking of you often. Whenever you need or want to post, we'll be reading :)

XOXO

Coleen's Recipes said...

You are too cool.

Marie W said...

I have been absent a lot too. I am happy for the moms who are expecting, but it is a constant reminder of what I am missing. I am also at a different place in my grief, and it hurts me to read the stories of recent losses. While I am still grieving greatly, the pain is not as intense anymore. I completely understand where you are coming from. Though I may not blog as often, I am still here to give support whenever needed. Thinking of and praying for you.

Hannah Rose said...

I just came across your blog. I'm so sorry for both your losses!!! It's good to know we don't have to walk this road alone. Thinking of you, Hannah Rose from roseandherlily.blogspot.com

Hannah Rose said...

I just came across your blog. I'm so sorry for both your losses!!! It's good to know we don't have to walk this road alone. Thinking of you, Hannah Rose from roseandherlily.blogspot.com

krissie said...

I found you just the other day and read and read and read. So even if you don't feel the need to keep posting, your archives are doing wonderful things for people.

You know, through all we've been through, we've refused to chart and record and everything. As much as I want a baby, I don't want to break my marriage in order to make that happen. And I need my marriage.

I hope you find your blog sweet spot.

Sarah said...

Oh honey, it is such a process. I was feeling guilty about not checking in come to find out you are feeling guilty about the same.
I think that we build communities in real life and online that are there when we need them...but also when we don't.
I'm glad you are feeling better and I totally understand wanting to focus on you, your situation and I'm so happy it isn't angst filled.
When you feel like writing, we'll read. When you have news to share, we'll celebrate. When you aren't writing we'll hope you are doing well.
Happy summer, Monica!

Sophie said...

Hey Monica,

Just wanted to let you know you're still on my mind :). You're such a trooper and an inspiration. Hang in there. ::Hugs::

jaded said...

I have read this post more than once and don't know quite what to say. I'm behind you no matter what b/c you've
been wonderful to me and my girl and because you have such a genuine heart. Your pic is still on my fridge and when people ask I always say it's my friend and her husband from Texas. The last person that asked was my cousin about 3 wks ago. She actually got goosebumps when I told her what you did for Emi with the cupcake and balloon.

You are definitely in a better place - I can tell from your tone. I don't like to get caught up in the stages of grief but you have definitely reach acceptance I beleive. But it doesn't mean that other stages won't be revisited several times over.
Keep chugging at your dreams and may blogging serve it's purpose of comfort for you - whether you need it daily or sporadically (sp).

I wish you nothing but the best...

Jaded

erinunbe said...

Happy to hear from you! Enjoy your summer! xoxo

Kristi said...

I don't think wanting to look up grief books says that you're depressed, I think it says you wanted to be informed.

I wish I had more to say, I hope you know I think about you often! I'm here for you.

Esme said...

I am still here reading too.
You know I think having IC on top of having difficulty conceiving is just cruel - but I know that kinda of cruel. You will be a success. I know it. the TTC process is tough and I understand that every month you see a BFN it is hard.
Just know that people you have never met are thinking of you and sending you positive vibes.
I understand about not reading or commenting. DO WHAT you need to do...sometimes I can't go to the websites where bad things are happening. we get that. move on and get a fresh start.
Remember to keep trying and keep your eye on the prize. ONe of my friends is 39 and just started getting help for her issues on trying to have a baby. She has been trying on her own for 1.5years. she finds the whole process difficult, but remember that all things worthwile are not easy. Yes they are easy for some including the fertiles (sorry not trying to offend), but most of us have to struggle for what we have.

Amanda said...

I am sorry to say I am one of those ones that seems to have moved on and doesnt post anymore. But i do think of you often and your 2 precious boys. I still have the HOPE stone you sent me and looked at it often when prego w/ Amellia. I so hope that you too get your rainbow baby very soon. ((((HUGS))))and I am sorry that i havent been around. I will ry to do better. Take care hon :)