Hope

I came across a quote that I scribbled on a yellow notepad a couple years back. I stashed it away and came across it this weekend while looking for something that I never found. Perhaps this is what I was looking for and didn't know it.

"When the night is cloudy, I still believe in stars,
Even when the darkness blocks the light.
They're shining out like beacons on the other side of hope.
You can see them when you hold your heart just right."

- Selia Qynn

When One Thought Leads To Another

This just happened.

I just went to bed. I lay there trying to clear my mind.

I started to think about coffee, which reminds me of a drive-thru shop in the neighboring town.

The coffee shop reminds me of the ceramic shop. I haven't painted pottery in over a year...maybe two.

I see myself sitting at the table with a full pregnant belly.

I am painting a name plate for the nursery.

The color paint is pink, and her name is "Layla".

When A 4 Year Old Makes You Cry

I love my job. I love the kids I nanny for. Sure, I bitch sometimes about it but who doesn't complain about their job from time to time? I think mostly the reason I complain is because I think they take their kids for granted. But my reproductive path is very different from theirs, so I can't expect them to understand. I can only hope they'd be sympathetic and considerate of my feelings and for the most part they do and are. But sometimes it's the ones you least expect to hurt you that do.

I'm talking about the little one-- the 4 year old. Actually, he's not quite 4, but he will be in a couple weeks. I picked him up from school last Friday and he was in a good mood. He was happy and thrilled that when he got home he was going to get to decorate cupcakes for his early Halloween party. But somewhere between driving from school to home, he got snarky. He said I couldn't come to his party unless I wore a costume. Whatever.

Then he said that he didn't invite me to his party and that I couldn't come. Again, whatever. I told him that he was being rude and he should be nice to me since I was going to help him decorate the cupcakes. He then got loud with me and said that he wanted his mom to decorate the cupcakes and that since I wasn't invited I should drop him off and go home. His words... "Just drop me and leave". He repeated it several times and I finally raised my voice and told him that he was being rude and he should have a little more respect for me. It was like talking to a teenager- in one ear and out the other.

His response was "Just drop me, talk to my mom and leave Monica. I didn't invite you to my party. My friends and their moms are coming, that's all. You're not a mom so you can't come."

And that's where I sat there in silence and a little piece of me died inside. I was angry and hurt. So I got to his house, unloaded him from his car seat and gave him stuff and got back in the car...ready to leave. He cried because he was afraid I was going to leave him. Was I acting childish? Absolutely. How else do you reason with a 4 year old at a time like that? It wasn't until I got home and told Mr. H about it that I broke down.

"You're not a mom so you can't come" Words mumbled by a 4 year old that hurt me to my core. It brings tears to my eyes just typing those very words.

I AM A MOTHER DAMNIT!