Thursday, September 22, 2011

I'm Not Going Anywhere

Today is Hayden's original due date. It's crazy to think that he should have been born today yet he's already 3 weeks old. Time has just flown by!

A friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago what I was going to do with this blog. I wasn't sure exactly what she meant by that, but I'm assuming that she meant that since I now had my miracle baby that things were better and I was "healed". The truth is, that Hayden makes my heart sing and makes my life better and happier but he can never replace Sam and Jack. I will always miss them and no amount of time can or will ever change that. It's simple, they're not coming back as much as I'd like them to.

When we were in the hospital just a couple days after giving birth, Mr. H and I took a walk around the maternity floor per doctors orders. We walked past the nursery and the nurse's station that peered down the hall. I saw the room at the end of the hall by the exit sign in which Sam and Jack were born. It's been 4 1/2 years since I've been in that room but I was ready to go back there. I was in a different place and I could handle it, or so I thought.

We asked the nurse if anyone was in that room and she said that a couple had just left that room but it wasn't clean. If we wanted to go in there we could. We walked down the hall, slowly, hand in hand. About 15 feet in front of delivery room #6 and I was stopped in my tracks. I saw the card on the door. The card in which a leaf cradled a tear drop. The card that meant a baby had died. My heart sank knowing that those parents had to walk out the back exit just so they didn't have to walk past the nursery full of babies. I cried for them knowing they were leaving the hospital without their much loved and wanted son or daughter. I wanted to rush out to the parking lot and hug them and tell them that I understood what they were going through. I wanted them to feel less alone but I couldn't.

In that moment, when my world was shining bright and was whole again, I was reminded just how fragile life is. I know how blessed I am to have this sweet soul in our lives and it doesn't matter that at 4 am, he's wide awake and won't go back to sleep because he's gassy. It doesn't matter that I've cried a few times over my lack of milk production because I thought I was failing him as a mother and he was going to starve. What matters is that he's here and we are doing our best.

I will have struggles as a new mother and I will have down days when I miss Sam and Jack so much that I can't function. I didn't go into room #6 on that day- I had to turn back around. And as long as I have moments like that when grief comes out of nowhere slaps me in the face, I will still be here and so will this blog.


Allie said...

I have chills reading this post. I once walked down the hallway of a hospital hand in hand with my girlfriend, the hospital that she had lost her baby in years before. It was an emotional moment, I will never forget. That same friend told me once, that the tears are always there even when they're not coming out. It has been 8 years since her loss and 2 healthy kids later, and she tells everyone that her family will always fill incomplete because someone is missing. I don't know if a mother can ever "heal" after losing a child. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I hope that no matter where you are in your journey, you keep sharing it with others.

Sarah said...

I am so glad you will still be here Monica. Sending you love and strength xxx

Virginia said...

Mine was Birthing Room 8. I never went back into it, though I always wanted to. Every time I went to my ob/gyn, even for a simple PAP smear, I cried before I left. Every. Time.

I still can't believe how people don't understand that it's a permanent hole. Hugs, my friend.

Brandy said...

Of course it's permanent, how could it be any less? I am so very happy for you but I think sometimes things affect us so much we are truly and forever changed and that's just normal, especially at the loss of children. Hayden is gorgeous though, congrats!

sapphireblue said...

You never do get over the loss. I have a healthy baby boy that I am grateful for, but I still miss my baby girl and think of her all the time.

It's your blog. Keep it the way you want.

Healthy and Homemade said...

Your blogs always bring tears to my eyes, because it's heartbreaking to think of the pain you must feel. I can't imagine going through that. I am so happy you have your baby safe and home with you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're going to keep this blog. I look forward to seeing and hearing about your journey.

I have a daughter (3 1/2) and had an early miscarriage 2 years ago. I still feel the loss, knowing that no matter what happens in the future that's a baby I'll never get to hold and care for. I also know that whatever happens I'm going to be fine.

Congratulations on the safe arrival of Hayden and know that you're not alone in circumstance or feelings.

From the Kitchen said...

Sam and Jack will always be with you. They will be with Hayden as his big brothers looking after him from heaven. I'm sure it was very emotional to walk toward that room and see that symbol of a child gone too soon.

You are having the same feelings that most mothers have. I remember, well, feeling like a failure when our oldest, Adam, refused to nurse. I remember being so tired. It all passes and, for me, too soon!!

Hayden is just beautiful. Give those sweet toes a kiss for me.


BasilBean said...

You may not believe this, but I think about you almost every day. (To some people that may sound creepy, but I hope you take it in its true spirit!)
I know I am pathetic and obviously not good at balancing motherhood and everything else well enough to get on the freaking computer even ONCE in the more than six months since Sophia was born. But I just got online and yours was the first blog that I checked. I am floored. I didn't even know that you were pregnant! CONGRATULATIONS!!!! He is beautiful. Just such a lovely face.
Oh, I am just gushing with happy feelings for you and your husband. I couldn't help myself, as I was reading your blog I kept turning the screen to Mr. C.
I wish I could climb through the computer and give you a great big hug!

Anonymous said...

Congrats congrats and more congrats! You make a beautiful family and I wish you nothing but the best!!
Much love, Clarissa

Janet said...

Congratulations to you both on the arrival of your gorgeous boy. of course you will always miss Sam and Jack. People who have never lost anyone won't understand, they will think that Hayden makes it all better. A book you might find helpful (I haven't read all your blog, so I don't know if you have already read it) is called HEAVEN IS FOR REAL. It is one of the most amazing books I have ever read, and gives me hope of meeting my baby in heaven one day. Take care, and enjoy every precious moment with Hayden. So happy for you!