Merry Christmas

Wishing you all the merriest of Christmases. Our babies may not be in our arms, but they are always in our hearts.

Blessings to you all,

Monica and Mr. H

Still Here

Hello all. Thank you Nanny, Rachel and Sarah for emailing me to check in on me.

I guess I've struggled with what to say here. With what's important enough to say. I think about it and think about it then too much time has passed after what I was going to blog about so I just let it go and fill in the blanks with pictures.

I've been okay. Just decorating and baking and trying not to think about the fact that my boys aren't here with us and I'm not pregnant. I guess really I'm just trying to live my life without dwelling on the things that I cannot change.

I feel like an asshole because I haven't been out to see the boys since Halloween. Yes, I realize it's almost Christmas and two months later. Don't tell me that's okay and normal because while all the other kids at the cemetery have snowmen and penguins adorning their headstone mine still have withered pumpkins. It's not that I've forgotten about them, I just can't seem to make myself go.

I did have one down moment a couple weeks ago. Mr. H was putting up stockings and he pulled out some blue and white striped stockings that I bought last year at an after Christmas sale for the boys. But I forgot that I bought 3- one for Sam, one for Jack and one for the child we were supposed to have here with us this Christmas. It made me sad and I had to pack them away.

We went to the Dr. on the 5th. I decided that me avoiding making an appointment with my gyno just because I was afraid of the "secondary infertility" label was stupid. I made the appt. back in November so it gave me time to prepare. I was prepared to take notes and learn of all the things we could do to improve our chances of conception, but I left there with 3 options- in order of the doctors recommendations.

1. Wait it out and keep trying on our own for 6 months
2. Get on BC to suppress my ovaries for 3 months
3. Take Cl0mid

Here's what I feel about them. We could wait it out and keep trying on our own, but isn't that what we're already doing? I could have waited 6 more months before I made that appt and would that have still been her suggestion? I feel like getting on BC is taking a step backwards. I expressed this to my doctor and she said I needed to get over that mental block. My concerns were valid but that that it was less invasive than Cl0mid and it could still work. She said she'd call in a Rx for Cl0mid if I wanted but she's concerned of the risk of multiples especially with my weak cervix. If my cervix can't bear the weight of one baby how can it carry two or three?! The risk of multiples is 8%.

She also suggested we make an appt for Mr. H to get a se.men analysis. The fertility clinic was closed that after noon and we have yet to make that appt. I'm waiting to see if I get a visit from AF this month first before we waste time and money on that.

That's where I am on all that. Not much else going on. Just trying to get through the holidays and stay sane.

Wordless Wednesday- With and Without Flash

Wedding Day

Here are some pics of my aunts wedding. She looked really pretty. In this picture is my mom, sister, me and grandma along with the bride.

My grandpa and uncle walking her down the aisle.

I didn't realize my brother and cousin were going to be escorts in the wedding until the day before the wedding. They're just so cute. Here they are walking my grandma back to her seat after lighting the one of the candles.

And here are the bride and groom lighting the unity candle.

My beautiful sister. I didn't really get a good picture of her all dolled up but she was the prettiest one up there.

The HUGE wedding cake. If I remember correctly, the cake was vanilla and chocolate. There was a ton leftover and we brought some home but we left it with our in-laws so I didn't get any more.

The interesting grooms cake. I'm not sure what flavor it was. It was a very light pinkish peach color. It smelled like strawberry but tasted like liquor. Not sure about that one.

They were just pronounced Husband and Wife. I wish them a lifetime of health and happiness.

Exterior Illumination

Mr. H loves Christmas. It's by far his favorite holiday. Not because of the presents (but those don't hurt) but because of the decorations. He loves lights and trees and sparkly shiny things. And "the bigger the better" is his motto when it comes to decorating the house. If he could get away with decorating our home like the Griswold house he would.

I love you hon, and I think you did a wonderful job!

Before:

After:

I love this little guy. We got him our first Christmas in this house. We didn't have any other decorations and we picked him up on a whim right before Christmas for 50% off at Albertson's. He's just so cute!

A closer look...

Happy Holidays!