"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Friday, March 11, 2011

From There To Here

In the Summer of 2008, I started a "secret" blog in which I wrote about my boys and heartache with much more freedom. On that blog, I wrote anonymously, and I didn't hold back. I shared everything I didn't feel like I could say here. I don't know why that is though. Maybe because in "anonymous land" you can't be judged and I thought I would here??? Not sure. But in July in 2008 I thought I was pregnant and I wrote about it in detail. The very next day I got my period. That was two and a half years ago.

I authored that blog for a short few months then took it down, but decided to save the posts so that I could read them in the future if I ever wanted to. I just read them. There was so much sorrow pouring out of my words and I look back now and I don't know who that person was. Granted it was only 4 months after Jack died and I was in a low place, but I'm glad that person is no longer. Or maybe that person still exists inside me, but I am healed. Forever scarred, but healed.

Reading those older posts made me reflect on where I was then to where I am now. And I wanted you all to know that I am pregnant. There is no way to sugarcoat that. I know some of you will be thrilled by the news and some of you will be hurt by it. I get it. I've been there and everytime I heard of someone's blessing, it stung and made me feel less than. I felt left behind. I felt like a failure. My intention is not to hurt anyone, obviously, but it's been a long time coming and I am deserving of this. You are too and if you're waiting for your miracle baby, he or she will find their way to you. I know it's easy to say "be patient" but sometimes that's what you have to do. It took us 4 years to get where we are and it was worth the wait. I now know that this was the right timing for us.

I found out of January 15th that I was pregnant but didn't believe the stick and increasingly grew anxious and fearful. Mr. H and I were in denial for a week that it was really happening so we ignored it and didn't talk about it for 8 days. Then on the following Sunday, I started to bleed quite a bit and thought I miscarried. There was a lot of blood followed by several clots and as I flushed the toilet I thought I was flushing my baby down the drain. I cried but I've been through so much worse and knew I could handle this. I cleaned myself up, protected my clothing and went to bed. The bleeding ceased and by the next morning, all was "normal" again. I called the doctor and was seen immediately. The ultrasound indicated that there was indeed a baby still growing inside me. It measured 5 weeks, 6 days and we heard it's heartbeat. A true miracle. There was no sign of bleeding within, clots or damage. There was no explanation, it just happened.

I've been to the OB several times so far. We've had a few scares with low HcG and progesterone levels, but this baby is a fighter and continues to thrive. Low HcG levels can indicate an unhealthy pregnancy or a baby that is no longer developing, but once they saw him/her on the ultrasound screen, kicking and stretching, with an even stronger heartbeat, there was no longer a concern. My progesterone levels, which help the development of the baby as well and aid in proper functioning of my organs was supplemented with progesterone suppositories, twice daily for 6 weeks. I no longer have to take those anymore because it's believed that at 12 weeks, the body takes over and starts to produce it on it's own.

I am currently 12 weeks 3 days pregnant with a due date of September 21st. This is all very surreal and it's hard to believe that it's happening. And it's happening so quickly! I waited to announce this pregnancy, not for fear of "jinxing" it but because I wanted to make certain that it was going to last. I didn't want to tell everyone I was pregnant then have to take it back. But I guess now, we're at the point of no return. What do I mean by that? Well this past Friday (March 4th) we flew to New Jersey to have an abdominal cerclage placed in my lower abdomen. I've mentioned this cerclage before but it differs from most cerclages because it's much more invasive. Instead of placing the stitch through your cervix, vaginally, they cut you open, (like a c-section) and tie a Mersilene band around the cervix at the top near the uterus. I'll write another post about this at a later time, explaining all the ins and outs of the procedure and my experience, but in the meantime, it's in place and secure and holding this baby in. It has a 99% success rate so we are optimistically hopeful.

So now we just wait and see how the rest of this pregnancy goes. I am still recovering from the procedure and am very sore and tired, but the pain meds are helping. I know it will take time to return to my normal state, but I'm taking it one day at a time. That's all I can do to get through the rest of this pregnancy.

I thank you all for sticking with me and this blog even when I had nothing to say and for those of you who continue to send prayers and good thoughts. Thank you for the well wishes that you send to me and my family.

~Monica

37 comments:

Mrs. A said...

Oh Monica, I am so happy for you. I will keep you and that little one in my thoughts and prayers! Wishing you all the best.

Anonymous said...

Katie from "My three sons" here! AHHHHH! So, So happy for you Monica!! I have been following your blog and have been waiting for this day. I will be praying for you and your baby. I'm seriously excited reading this!!

Monica H said...

Mrs. A- Thank you for the prayers. We need and welcome them.

Katie- I haven't heard from you in so long. I'm glad you're still reading. Thank you for being here!

~Monica

The Nanny said...

Oh Monica, I am just so happy for you!!! Honestly, this has put the biggest smile on my face. I'm sending so many good thoughts and prayers your way. So much love to you!!!

Virginia said...

Oh Monica.....I am so, so happy for you. I've been praying for this day for you and will keep praying.

I think it's auspicious that you found out on Jan. 15th--that's my girl's birthday.

I'm here for you, no matter what.

Monica H said...

Nanny- Thanks for the love. It makes me smile too :-)

Virginia- A perfect day to find out, if you ask me :-) Thank you for being there for me.

~Monica

Rachel said...

It's finally your turn. YEAH!

I wish you a speedy recovery and I'll be praying for you. I'm only an e-mail away if you ever need to talk.

Reese said...

I am so happy to read this Monica! I wish you the continued strength and courage throughout this journey. Please keep us updated!

XOXOX--Reese

Monica H said...

Rachel- Yes it is! Thank you for your support.

Reese- Thank you, I will!

~Monica

Ingrid said...

I'm very happy you've shared your wonderful news!
~Ingrid

Gabrielle said...

I have never been so thrilled to check a blog and see good news! I never usually comment, I am so bad about things like that, but this is such a blessed event. Thoughts and many prayers are with you on this road. Wishing you a speedy recovery and many joyous moments to come. All the Best

missing_one said...

OH MY GOD!!! I AM SO HAPPY!!! I have never given up hope for you, I have wished to hear this news for so long. I will be holding my breath for the next six months. Much love to you, Mr. H, and the little bean!

Sarah said...

THRILLED beyond words for you darling girl xxxx

meemawfish said...

This is the most wonderful news. I have been reading you for a long time and no one deserves this more than you and your husband. This will be one lucky baby.

Meemaw

Raising Snowpeas said...

Congratulations - I am so happy for you! I haven't been following this blog for very long, but sat down one day and got caught up with all your posts. You are such a fantastic mother already, this baby is incredibly lucky. I'm excited to read your updates as you progress through this pregnancy.

erinunbe said...

Monica, I really couldn't be happier for you!! Best news....made my weekend! I'm in RR so please let me know if you need anything....otherwise you will be getting lots of prayers! I know the TAC will hold! I am holding strong at 29 wks and anxiously awaiting my sweet rainbow! Congratulations to you and hubby!!!

Shauna said...

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!!!! I am SO SO SO happy for you!!!!!!
What awesome news!!!!!!
YIPPEE!!!!!

The Nanny said...

Just wanted to say -- I woke up this morning, thought of you, and smiled again. :) xoxo

Maranda said...

Hooray!!!! Congratulations beautiful lady!!! I'm so glad to hear that things are going well. Rest up...you won't get much of that once your baby comes along!!!

Hennifer said...

I just sent you an email after seeing the news on "the bowl"!

I am so thrilled for you! It is so very exciting and that is all I can think to say, synonyms for excited lol

sapphireblue said...

Congratulations! Being pregnant with an incompetent cervix is nerve-wracking! Your cerclage is in place, and the little one is just going to stay put and keep baking. Praying for you and the wee one.

Annie said...

Congratulations! This is such wonderful news!

christyna said...

Monica I am so happy, excited and touched for you and Mr H. You who helped me through some tough stuff despite it probably hurting you on some level :) You who is always a wonderful ear, friend etc. You don't let people stop hoping and I knew I just knew your time was coming.
I will say (as it is always in my personality to be the wise ass) you were in NJ last week and didn't tell me?!?!?!!?!? ha ha ha yeah I know you had quite a bit going on :)

I really am estatic here for you. There really aren't words to express how much you deserve it.

Thoughts, prayers, hopes etc coming your way and anything e,se you could possibly need :)

LearningByReading said...

thanks for sharing honestly. We all have some sort of pain in this life. It helps to write about it.

Please Do Not Feed The Animals. said...

Wonderful, Monica. So delighted for you. xx

Marie W said...

Oh Monica. I am thrilled to hear this news! I am proof that the abdominal cerclage works - here I sit 32 weeks pregnant and living a normal life. I am keeping all of you in prayer and believing in your expected end.

Sophie said...

MONICA! I am so so thrilled for you. I could cry from the joy of this beautiful news! What an amazing story, too! Sending love and hugs! Thank you for sharing your great news with us. :)

Cassie said...

I think this is such a beautiful post, and I am so incredibly thrilled for you! I'll be sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way over the next six months!

Misc Momma said...

I am so very happy for you. You ARE so very deserving.

Brandy said...

I don't know that I have enough words to say how happy I am to hear this news. I will definitely be keeping you and this baby in my prayers for a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery. Congratulations!!

Kristi said...

I'm very happy for you &Mr. H. Such wonderful news!

You are in my thoughts!

beth said...

I am beyond BEYOND thrilled for you!!! This news brought tears to my eyes and prayers for your family. Our God is good and I look forward to reading all about this journey with yoU! Congrats to you and Mr. H!! Hugs and prayers to you both!

Becky said...

Love you, my friend. But you already know how I feel!! Yay!!!

jessica said...

Now we are talking. This is the blog post I dreamt about. Words fall short of how I feel but I am so happy for you, Sam and baby. You DO deserve this...relish every moment. I've been there...just take it one day at a time (like you said).

The Captain's Daughter said...

Over the moon for you - and for your baby. Luckiest baby, ever!

Cindi said...

Monica, I'm so happy for you! Please enjoy each day of your pregnancy, as it comes. What can I say, that hasn't already been said? If anyone deserves this, it's you and your husband! I'll keep all of you in my prayers.

Travelwahine said...

I've been away for a while, but this is GREAT NEWS, I have a huge smile, and happy tears for you. I am so happy, Congratulations to you and Mr. H. xoxo