From There To Here

In the Summer of 2008, I started a "secret" blog in which I wrote about my boys and heartache with much more freedom. On that blog, I wrote anonymously, and I didn't hold back. I shared everything I didn't feel like I could say here. I don't know why that is though. Maybe because in "anonymous land" you can't be judged and I thought I would here??? Not sure. But in July in 2008 I thought I was pregnant and I wrote about it in detail. The very next day I got my period. That was two and a half years ago.

I authored that blog for a short few months then took it down, but decided to save the posts so that I could read them in the future if I ever wanted to. I just read them. There was so much sorrow pouring out of my words and I look back now and I don't know who that person was. Granted it was only 4 months after Jack died and I was in a low place, but I'm glad that person is no longer. Or maybe that person still exists inside me, but I am healed. Forever scarred, but healed.

Reading those older posts made me reflect on where I was then to where I am now. And I wanted you all to know that I am pregnant. There is no way to sugarcoat that. I know some of you will be thrilled by the news and some of you will be hurt by it. I get it. I've been there and everytime I heard of someone's blessing, it stung and made me feel less than. I felt left behind. I felt like a failure. My intention is not to hurt anyone, obviously, but it's been a long time coming and I am deserving of this. You are too and if you're waiting for your miracle baby, he or she will find their way to you. I know it's easy to say "be patient" but sometimes that's what you have to do. It took us 4 years to get where we are and it was worth the wait. I now know that this was the right timing for us.

I found out of January 15th that I was pregnant but didn't believe the stick and increasingly grew anxious and fearful. Mr. H and I were in denial for a week that it was really happening so we ignored it and didn't talk about it for 8 days. Then on the following Sunday, I started to bleed quite a bit and thought I miscarried. There was a lot of blood followed by several clots and as I flushed the toilet I thought I was flushing my baby down the drain. I cried but I've been through so much worse and knew I could handle this. I cleaned myself up, protected my clothing and went to bed. The bleeding ceased and by the next morning, all was "normal" again. I called the doctor and was seen immediately. The ultrasound indicated that there was indeed a baby still growing inside me. It measured 5 weeks, 6 days and we heard it's heartbeat. A true miracle. There was no sign of bleeding within, clots or damage. There was no explanation, it just happened.

I've been to the OB several times so far. We've had a few scares with low HcG and progesterone levels, but this baby is a fighter and continues to thrive. Low HcG levels can indicate an unhealthy pregnancy or a baby that is no longer developing, but once they saw him/her on the ultrasound screen, kicking and stretching, with an even stronger heartbeat, there was no longer a concern. My progesterone levels, which help the development of the baby as well and aid in proper functioning of my organs was supplemented with progesterone suppositories, twice daily for 6 weeks. I no longer have to take those anymore because it's believed that at 12 weeks, the body takes over and starts to produce it on it's own.

I am currently 12 weeks 3 days pregnant with a due date of September 21st. This is all very surreal and it's hard to believe that it's happening. And it's happening so quickly! I waited to announce this pregnancy, not for fear of "jinxing" it but because I wanted to make certain that it was going to last. I didn't want to tell everyone I was pregnant then have to take it back. But I guess now, we're at the point of no return. What do I mean by that? Well this past Friday (March 4th) we flew to New Jersey to have an abdominal cerclage placed in my lower abdomen. I've mentioned this cerclage before but it differs from most cerclages because it's much more invasive. Instead of placing the stitch through your cervix, vaginally, they cut you open, (like a c-section) and tie a Mersilene band around the cervix at the top near the uterus. I'll write another post about this at a later time, explaining all the ins and outs of the procedure and my experience, but in the meantime, it's in place and secure and holding this baby in. It has a 99% success rate so we are optimistically hopeful.

So now we just wait and see how the rest of this pregnancy goes. I am still recovering from the procedure and am very sore and tired, but the pain meds are helping. I know it will take time to return to my normal state, but I'm taking it one day at a time. That's all I can do to get through the rest of this pregnancy.

I thank you all for sticking with me and this blog even when I had nothing to say and for those of you who continue to send prayers and good thoughts. Thank you for the well wishes that you send to me and my family.

~Monica