I've been kind of quiet lately. Which I guess is a good thing because it means things are pretty uneventful. When I first started blogging it was to release my feelings, to help alleviate some of the grief, or help it along anyway. It's been 2 and a half years since Sam died and 2 since Jack. My grief isn't what it used to be. I never thought that I would rise above the overwhelming sadness and I have.
I can't say that I've gotten over my losses or my boys, but I'm moving forward. You know the cliche saying "Time heals all wounds" well it's not true- as you all know. But there is a quote that I read long ago that has stayed with me. "Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that heals" And over the past 31 months I have cried, prayed, screamed, plead, yearned, missed, loved, and lived. It's been a long journey to get here and it feels safe.
We've been TTC for 4 months now and it feels good to be making some progress. To know that we're building our future one day at a time. But I'm scared shitless. I'm not scared of conceiving and I'm not scared of the pregnancy. I'm scared to lose. I almost feel like I did when we were TTC Jack. I felt hopeful and full of information that would save our baby. I didn't feel the least bit of skepticism. I honestly believed that that pregnancy would be different. People even believed and told me it would be different. I believed them. We planned for it we took precautionary measurements to bring him into this world and our plan failed.
I'm starting to feel hopefully optimistic again. I'm equipped with even more knowledge, we've found better, more skilled doctors and we've properly grieved (well, we're not quite through grieving, but you know what I mean.) Hell, we bought a cemetery plot. I'd say we're more than prepared. I feel like we're ready, like our time has finally come and I just don't want to be disappointed again. I don't know how to do this all over again. I just can't.
So please bear with me as I post pictures of my pets, cake, jewelery or flowers, basically anything and everything that is completely unrelated to TTC. It's my way of coping when words fail me. It's a distraction that keeps me from stressing.