"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Monday, March 16, 2009

TTC Distractions

I've been kind of quiet lately. Which I guess is a good thing because it means things are pretty uneventful. When I first started blogging it was to release my feelings, to help alleviate some of the grief, or help it along anyway. It's been 2 and a half years since Sam died and 2 since Jack. My grief isn't what it used to be. I never thought that I would rise above the overwhelming sadness and I have.

I can't say that I've gotten over my losses or my boys, but I'm moving forward. You know the cliche saying "Time heals all wounds" well it's not true- as you all know. But there is a quote that I read long ago that has stayed with me. "Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that heals" And over the past 31 months I have cried, prayed, screamed, plead, yearned, missed, loved, and lived. It's been a long journey to get here and it feels safe.

We've been TTC for 4 months now and it feels good to be making some progress. To know that we're building our future one day at a time. But I'm scared shitless. I'm not scared of conceiving and I'm not scared of the pregnancy. I'm scared to lose. I almost feel like I did when we were TTC Jack. I felt hopeful and full of information that would save our baby. I didn't feel the least bit of skepticism. I honestly believed that that pregnancy would be different. People even believed and told me it would be different. I believed them. We planned for it we took precautionary measurements to bring him into this world and our plan failed.

I'm starting to feel hopefully optimistic again. I'm equipped with even more knowledge, we've found better, more skilled doctors and we've properly grieved (well, we're not quite through grieving, but you know what I mean.) Hell, we bought a cemetery plot. I'd say we're more than prepared. I feel like we're ready, like our time has finally come and I just don't want to be disappointed again. I don't know how to do this all over again. I just can't.

So please bear with me as I post pictures of my pets, cake, jewelery or flowers, basically anything and everything that is completely unrelated to TTC. It's my way of coping when words fail me. It's a distraction that keeps me from stressing.

13 comments:

Seraphim said...

Post away. My daughter saw your adorable bunny picture and has been bugging me for one ever since btw!! I'm a "whatever gets you though the night" kind of girl alot of the time, so i totally get where you are at! Lots of love, and have fun, you know...xxxxx

Virginia said...

Understood. Do whatever you need to do to get through this time, and know that we will all understand.

Hugs...

The Nanny said...

Really--post away! I love the pictures you post, and I love your words as well. Post whatever you need to and we'll be here, reading along.

Kristi said...

I understand, it's easier to get distracted by our pets or redecorating or baking than dealing with our true concerns.

Do what you have to do, we're here for you!

Rachel said...

Distraction can be good.

What is the black dogs name? I don't think you have talked about that dog before.

Hennifer said...

I support you in whatever you need/want during this time or any!
I'm always happy to see your posts and your pics!

jaded said...

I'll take the pets or flowers or cake - whatever can get you through it. i am so glad that you are both in a better place and accepting of your progress. i feel like you are ready for the next phase - whatever that may be. you've made peace with events in your life; you know what you need, what you want and how to work at getting it.
i really care about you and your hopes and dreams. i hope you receive all your heart's desires and then some. i just sense a very strong and motivated woman coming through these words.

Shauna said...

i am still in love with autumn.....every time you post a picture of her....i want to kiss her on the forehead and give her a hug.
she has the most loving face.......

(not that the other's aren't cute adn lovey....they are....there's just something about that doggie autumn........she's a special one).

BasilBean said...

I think you should write about whatever you need to, whenever you need to. I realized early into this pregnancy that my blog was going to be consumed by it, and just gave in to it. When I was TTC, which took 7 months, I hardly wrote about it at all. Gosh, I hardly wrote anything during that time and looking back it probably would have been helpful--even to just write about my pets or whatever. I love reading your blog and am interested to read what you have to say and see what you have to post.

I've noticed many bloggers in our little corner of the blog world post about how their blogs change for them when they are in a new realm of the grief/healing journey. Some feel like they can't or shouldn't write once they have reached or are entering a new phase. But I think that it is important for us to continue writing--if it feels like something we still need/want to do. On the one hand, it continues to be a way for us--the writers--to process our own thoughts and feelings (even when they are about cake). Likewise, we as readers gain insight and understanding of a phase we may have yet to enter (or perhaps we have, but we haven't been very reflective of it) through reading each other's blogs.

BTW, I'm glad you are public again and I love your disclaimer. I think it is a shame when blogs have to go private (although I completely understand why some do) because so many people out there can benefit from reading your blog. It's too bad that family and friends sometimes misunderstand and/or take things so personally. However, you always write from a place that is so honest--so even if it is something they find hard to hear, at least you were speaking your truth.

Sorry such a long comment:)

niobe said...

I'm all in favor of distractions. Especially when they're so adorable...

christyna said...

oh wow. wow. I am so happy you guys are ther, you got there..I'm so happy I'm at work with tears in my eyes. I can not wait for the day you give birth to a baby who's plump and healthy. I can't wait for you to be so consumed by said baby that you forget to post or don't have time. I seriously love you!!!
I'm here even tho I'm not..if that makes sense. (I'm not all there? ha haha)

mrsmuelly said...

Of course you are scared. You are allowed. You ARE very well informed and you have a ton of support.

Post away about whatever you want. We will all be here.

Sarah said...

Monica,

I've been out of touch too long -- but wanted to check in on how you were doing. I'm excited for this next phase of your journey and know good things are coming your way.

Fingers are crossed!