Merry Christmas!

Wishing you and yours peace on this Christmas day.

~ Mr. H, Hayden and Monica

Where Did December Go?

I just put up my Christmas tree. Yeah you read that right. It's December 20th and my tree just barely got decorated a couple hours ago. Actually, it's just Sam and Jack's mini tree this year. The big one and all of the inside decorations are still in the attic. I feel like I need another 4 weeks to get ready for Christmas. But despite my feelings, Christmas is still coming on Sunday whether I'm ready for it or not.



In that top picture, Hayden is wrapped in the blanket I knit for him about 3 years ago. It felt good to finally have a baby wrapped up in it. And in the picture above, he is wearing a hat and sleep sack a friend made for him. It's still a little big but he's pretty cute in it.



I've been MIA on this blog but things have been good. Hayden definitely keeps me occupied. Parenting is hard and exhausting! Yes, it's rewarding (as everyone says) but it is HARD. So if you're reading this and no one ever told you how hard it is, then I'm here to break the news to you. :-) If you're already a parent to a live child, then you're probably smiling and nodding in agreement. I can have a long frustrating day and when I see those soulful steel blue eyes, it makes it all worth it.



Hayden is finally sleeping better and longer. Thank goodness! He sleeps for about 6-7 hours, then wakes, eats and then goes back to bed for another 2-3 hours. You can see by those cheeks that he is eating well. I'm not sure of his exact weight but I'm thinking he weighs about 16 1/2 pounds. I won't know his exact weight til he goes back in for a checkup in January, but I can tell you that he's 5 inches longer than when he was born.




He's also teething. Still no teeth yet, but the drool is flowing and his fists are constantly in his mouth. When he gets really fussy, Mr. H will carry him around the house and play Super Baby. He just loves it and has ever since he was about 2 weeks old. He just goes around the house with his head cocked to the side like that. It's funny.



So that's pretty much it for now. I could blog more often but talking about poop and lack of sleep would get monotonous. I miss you all and wish I had more time to get on the computer and check your blogs. Why don't you save me the time and just tell me what you're up to and how you're doing in the comment section. :-)

I wish you all a Merry Christmas or whatever other holiday you may celebrate. May it be joyous and peaceful.

~Monica

3 Months Old

2 Months Old

This is a little late because Hayden is going to be 3 months old already but it's too cute not to share. Besides it gives me the opportunity to tell you about how well he slept last night. My mom put him to bed about 9pm. I woke him up at midnight to change his clothes and diaper. He ate then went back to sleep from 12:30- 5:30. Woke at 7:30 until 8:30, then fell asleep again til 11:15. That's the most sleep I've gotten since before he was born and I feel awesome!

I've pretty much given up on breast feeding but yesterday when I got out of the shower, Hayden was crying and hungry. He was nuzzling against my breast so I offered it to him and he took it, without hesitation! He fed for about 5 minutes then started fussing because he wasn't getting it fast enough, but it's progress.

This year I'm giving thanks a little early. I hope you all have a great week.

~Monica

A Hayden Update

It's been awhile since I last blogged. Motherhood is hard and exhausting! Of course it's rewarding and well worth the effort but it's still hard. Why didn't anyone tell me?! haha!

Hayden is now 10 1/2 weeks. I took his two month picture I just haven't uploaded it to the computer yet. He is wonderful and growing like a weed. We found lump on the back of his neck (which turned out to be a lymphnode and nothing to worry about) last week. At the doctor on Friday he weighed 12 pounds 8 ounces, which is not quite double his birth weight. We now have a schedule and pretty much stick to it daily. It consists of eating, spitting up, eating, sleeping, cooing, eating, spitting up, sleeping, eating. Repeat.

He is not sleeping through the night but he sleeps for a 4-5 hour stretch then eats and goes right back to sleep for another three hours. Of course I'd love 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep but I'll take what I can get :-) I thought for awhile there he had reflux but the vomiting stopped. He spits up frequently but nothing extreme, except for this morning. This morning he threw up all over himself and me. I was soaked he had curdled milk in his eye lashes. It was gross!

Hayden went to the urologist for a follow up appointment for his enlarged kidneys. They're still enlarged and fluid filled but they're not any bigger than before so the doctor said she'd check them again in three months.

We made it to the pumpkin patch this year. Hayden was not impressed but we had a good time. Taking my son to pick pumpkins has been something I've looked forward to for years. This year we were able to do that. Of course all he wanted to do was sleep and eat but that's okay, we got some great pictures. We didn't get Hayden a costume but my mom brought over Aaron's pumpkin costume that he wore 16 years ago. It was a little big but he was pretty cute.

On Thursday night (10 weeks old) my mom came over and stayed the night. She took care of him while we slept. Its the first time without him and I cried. I missed him in our bed with us but I did get some sleep. Thank God and my mom! The following morning my mom looked like a zombie. Her eyes were half shut and she was exhausted while feeding him. He was wide eyed and cooing. haha! She offered to do it again I'll need to give her a break so she doesn't change her mind.

Let's talk poop for a moment. H usually poops several times a day- like almost every time he eats. But starting the day before Halloween that changed drastically and now he's going every 3 days. That's just strange to me. We asked the pedi about it at his 2 month check up and he said his stomach is becoming more efficient and he's using up all the good stuff in the milk and peeing out the rest. Okay, but where is all the poo? The doc said he wasn't constipated, there just wasn't any waste to poo out. But when he had his ultrasound for his kidneys the tech commented on how full his bowels were and that was after he had just pooed. So why isn't he pooping regularly? Any thoughts on this?

Not sure if Ill update again before Thanksgiving but I hope you all have a fantastic holiday. Lord knows we have much to be thankful for this year.

Hayden's Birth Photos

I don't know if I ever told you guys, but a dear friend of mine, Lori from LFE Photography, was allowed in the operating room when Hayden was born. She photographed the whole process from the moment we left home to following him and Daddy to the nursery to get cleaned up. I'm so glad we have these photos because the morning of his birth went by so fast and was such a blur. Having these photos gives me option to go back and see all the beautiful moments I may have missed. Lori took several hundred photos, but here are just a few.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Thank you Lori!

Photos taken by LFE Photography

6 Week Update

Here's a quick update in bullet form. I've been wanting to get on and update, just haven't had the time!

• Hayden is now 6 weeks old and 5 days.




• His belly button has been oozing since the "stub" fell off at 2 weeks. I cleaned it often and thought it would dry out. It never did. I called the pedi and they put silver nitrate in his belly button to dry it out. His belly button now looks gray and burnt but it's fading over time.




• He had a rash/baby acne on his face. I say it was a rash from heat and spit up, the docs office says acne. I put cortisone on it and it went away. I don't think acne goes away with cortisone, but what do I know?




• Last Wednesday I had my 6 week checkup- all is well and I am down 20 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. woo hoo! It's a great feeling except I don't have any pants besides jammies that fit.




• Last Wednesday was also when Hayden got his first tear. It was sad :-(




• He has finally grown out of Newborn size diapers and has moved into size 1.




• He still wears newborn clothes but has a couple outfits in size 0-3 that fit.




• I think he has acid reflux. He vomited (not spit up) once last week and it happened again twice last night. We've been keeping him upright after eating,but feedings have become frustrating and messy. I haven't called the doctor yet because I was waiting to see how he did the rest of the afternoon and so far he was okay.




• Last week Mister ate like it was going out of style- I think he was going through a growth spurt because he was eating 2-3 ounces per sitting more than he usually did. He was eating 3.5 ounces. Lat week he was eating 5-7 ounces at a time. crazy stuff! He would eat, burp, be content then start screaming (not crying). We couldn't figure out what was wrong. After an hour we realized he was still hungry. Hayden has stupid parents.




• We had a garage sale this past weekend- it was exhausting to say the least.




• On Sunday evening I took a 5 hour nap and felt amazing and re-energized.




• At his check up last week, he was 9 lbs. 13 oz.




• I ordered and got his birth announcements in the mail last week, just haven't had time to send them out. My friend took our pics and they turned out beautifully!




• Singing or humming "You are my sunshine" still makes me cry. "Love Me Tender" is one of our favorites.


• I finally bought a breast pump, rather than renting. Those suckers are expensive.

Miss you all. I'll be back soon with his 2 month picture!

Remembering Our Babies

**This is an ongoing list from 2007 to current**

Today is October 15th, a day of awareness and remembrance. Please take a moment to read and speak these babies names aloud. They deserve to be acknowledged. These are the angels that I "know".

Samuel Andrew- August 15, 2006
Jackson Robert- February 21, 2007
Adrianne Miranda- August 16, 1977
Lucas Allen- June 15, 2006
Baby Ford- March 8, 2007
James Travis- August 13, 2006
Sara Elizabeth- October 2, 2006
Logan Matthew- October 25, 2006
Bailey Louise- June 9, 2006
Evan Wesley- May 24, 2007
Mikaela Gabrielle- February 12, 2006
Reef Kaiolohia- February 7, 2007
Sam T.- March 23, 2007
David K.- March 5, 1999
Madison Grace- April 1, 2007
Brionna Faith- September 11, 2002
Julia Izabelle- July 12, 2001
Rae T.- January 12, 2007
Scott Nicholas- March 22, 2007
Lilly M.
Lydia Eve- May 9, 2007
P.G. Evans- September 4, 2007
Cameron Reid- August 30, 2005
Tyler Scott- November 29, 2007
Hayden Leo Rich-Masters- January 13, 2005
Benjamin Thomas- December 31, 2003
Nicholas Joseph- June 28 - July 21, 2008
Arin & Alex- August 13, 2004
Carleigh McKenna- March 28, 2009
Ava Rose Daher- April 14, 2009
Sophia & Ellie- April 25, 2009
Harry Line- April 24, 2008
William Jared- May 29, 2009
Ethan William James- June 14 - August 1, 2008
Aiden & Sophie- April 13, 2009
McKenna Grace- March 2, 2009
Oscar Friedrich & Bella Marjorie- July 30, 2009
Emi- February 23, 2007
Daniella- May 12-13, 2008
Cooper- July 30, 2007
Brayden- March 6-7, 2008
Dylan Michael- May 8, 2006
Riley James- December 26, 2006
Ethan- May 23, 2008
L.A.M.B
Christian- January 26, 2007
Jacob- September 8, 2007
William Kelly- February 1, 2006
Harvey- July 7, 2007
Baby Franklin- February 25, 2007
Nadia & Cerina- November 18-24, 2006
Emma LaRue- September 1, 2007
Logan Thomas- August 4, 2008
Kinsey & Ryan- November 2005
Gregory- June 17, 2008
The Twins- October 2006
M- December 16, 2005
Ms. G's Baby- October 2009
Henry- January 17, 2008
Sarah's Baby Girl- September 9, 2002
Jessica Anne- May 12, 2007
Rory- May 8
Kameron Elijah- April 27, 2005
Baby McDowell- October 2009
Evan Clements Maynard- December 24, 2007
Gabriel Elliott Groce- October 19, 2009
Felix David Groce- April 4, 2008
Ethan- April 13, 2008
Michaela- February 13, 2009
Emma Jean Moelder- October 21, 2009
Tianna Michael Madison Lopes- August 20 -Sept. 27, 2009
Ashley Ariana- born sleeping at 19wks
Madeline Corinne- November 11, 2009
Brett- June 2, 2008
Ireland Elizabeth- January 26, 2010
Selena Kay- March 8, 1999
Luke- April 11, 2009
Allyson Lee- February 24, 2010
Kanin Wade Standley- January 11, 2009
Christian Noel- May 6, 2009
Grace Christian- September 2, 2010
Baby Dupuis- August 7, 2009
Baby Dupuis- December 1, 2009
Collins Babies- March 2005 & June 2006
Wyatt Daniel Keith- August 8-21, 2010
Ethan Daniel Keith- January 24, 2005
Chandler Keith- June 22, 2004
Kendall Keith- December 16, 1998
Mary Lynn Keith- December 18, 1994
Chloe Nicole Beck- June 19, 2009
Matthew Joshua- December 2, 2007
Brandon Scott- December 4, 2007
Annalyse and "Our Little Boy"- April 24, 2011
Gabriel Lee Meza- born at 18weeks
Baby Sheridan- August 17, 2009
Baby Sheridan- January 15, 2010
Johnrey McGrew- September 4, 2007
Payton Meadow- February 14, 2011
Baby Terrell- July 29, 2005
Baby Jaleyce- June 25, 2011
Jae Marie- November 17, 2010
Angelica Oas Mann- August 17, 2011
Cooper Thomas- January 7, 2009
Ashley Rose- June 21, 2011
Carson James- July 28, 2010

William Hudson Oliver- October 31 - November 1, 2011
Emma Grace Oliver- November 1, 2011
Matthew Phillips- September 30, 1976
Alexander North Bieniek- August 21, 1998
T.J McMahon- January 16, 2001

George Allen McMahon II- October 27, 2003
Todd Allen McMahon Jr- December 2, 2004
Jacob- July 24, 2006
Jonathan- August 12, 2006
Benjamin- September 27, 2011
Gissele- December 10, 2008
Kylee- January 29, 2011
Baby Arends- February 8, 2012
Baby O'hare- January 18, 2012
Ellisyn Rae- February 20, 2012

How very softly you tiptoed into our world.
Almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your tiny footprints have left upon our hearts.

__________________________________________________
Please honor your baby or a baby you know by leaving their name under comments and I will add them to the list of babies to always be remembered.

Thank you,
Monica

1 Month Old

I'm Not Going Anywhere

Today is Hayden's original due date. It's crazy to think that he should have been born today yet he's already 3 weeks old. Time has just flown by!

A friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago what I was going to do with this blog. I wasn't sure exactly what she meant by that, but I'm assuming that she meant that since I now had my miracle baby that things were better and I was "healed". The truth is, that Hayden makes my heart sing and makes my life better and happier but he can never replace Sam and Jack. I will always miss them and no amount of time can or will ever change that. It's simple, they're not coming back as much as I'd like them to.

When we were in the hospital just a couple days after giving birth, Mr. H and I took a walk around the maternity floor per doctors orders. We walked past the nursery and the nurse's station that peered down the hall. I saw the room at the end of the hall by the exit sign in which Sam and Jack were born. It's been 4 1/2 years since I've been in that room but I was ready to go back there. I was in a different place and I could handle it, or so I thought.

We asked the nurse if anyone was in that room and she said that a couple had just left that room but it wasn't clean. If we wanted to go in there we could. We walked down the hall, slowly, hand in hand. About 15 feet in front of delivery room #6 and I was stopped in my tracks. I saw the card on the door. The card in which a leaf cradled a tear drop. The card that meant a baby had died. My heart sank knowing that those parents had to walk out the back exit just so they didn't have to walk past the nursery full of babies. I cried for them knowing they were leaving the hospital without their much loved and wanted son or daughter. I wanted to rush out to the parking lot and hug them and tell them that I understood what they were going through. I wanted them to feel less alone but I couldn't.

In that moment, when my world was shining bright and was whole again, I was reminded just how fragile life is. I know how blessed I am to have this sweet soul in our lives and it doesn't matter that at 4 am, he's wide awake and won't go back to sleep because he's gassy. It doesn't matter that I've cried a few times over my lack of milk production because I thought I was failing him as a mother and he was going to starve. What matters is that he's here and we are doing our best.

I will have struggles as a new mother and I will have down days when I miss Sam and Jack so much that I can't function. I didn't go into room #6 on that day- I had to turn back around. And as long as I have moments like that when grief comes out of nowhere slaps me in the face, I will still be here and so will this blog.

Hayden's First Few Days

Here I am just 2 days before giving birth to Hayden. I already miss being pregnant. I know that may sound crazy, but I do. This pregnancy was taxing, but I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. Well, obviously, I traded the pregnancy in for the baby, but you know what I mean. I just miss the bond we shared together- his movements, his kicks, the waddling, the cravings :-). I'd much rather have him here than to be pregnant, but I miss that and it was over so quickly. I was just telling my doctor I needed a transition period between being pregnant and bringing him home. It's so different, even though I'm caring for the same child.



Arriving at the hospital at 7am. My doctors office is right across the street behind that sign. It was a privilege parking there.




The c-section went very quickly. We arrived at 7 and got prepped. We were to head back to the OR at 9am, but we were ahead of the schedule by about 30 minutes, so I went back early. I wish I could have slowed everything down, as it just went by so fast. Thinking back now, I wish I could have rubbed my belly one last time too.




My friend Lori was allowed in the OR to photograph his birth. I'm so glad my doctor allowed that because I know I'll treasure those photos forever. So much was going on and it happened so fast I don't remember all of it. I fully expected the procedure to take longer than it did. It seems like I was in there on the table getting prepped then 5 minutes later he was being pulled out of me. I wasn't sure how I'd react, but once I heard his cry it became so real. It's almost like I was still expecting things to go wrong. He was alive and crying and it just seemed so surreal. At this point, I felt like I was dreaming.




At birth, Hayden weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces, but when we left the hospital he was about 6 pounds, 3 ounces. He's been eating well, though breast feeding has been a challenge. Once I started pumping, I started producing more but he refuses my breast. I think it's because eating from the bottle comes much easier and he doesn't have to work for it. He's a lazy (but eager) eater! I'd love to breast feed, but at this point I'm just glad that I'm able to feed him breast milk rather than formula. There's nothing wrong with formula feeding, but they gave him some at the hospital because he was "jittery" and it didn't settle well with his stomach- he spit it up about 4 different times.

Going home- This is when it started to feel real! Watching Mr. H put him into the car seat and load him into our vehicle brought tears to my eyes. Though it's something I always hoped for, I never thought it would happen. It wasn't until the night before that we actually put the carseat into our car. To do it any sooner was almost like a jinx.

But we made it home. Once we got through the doors, I lost it. Our baby was finally home where he belonged. Heck, I'm crying now! It seems like I am crying everyday now. Sometimes for no reason at all, and others because I'm just so grateful and amazed by him. Seriously, I just can't believe where we are today. I thank God everyday for him. He really is a miracle baby. And I have to remind myself of that when I'm completely exhausted at 3 am and have to get up to change his diaper and he poops on me. Totally worth it.

Here is when he met Autumn for the first time. So far she has been wonderful. She is just curious and wants to sniff him. She doesn't appear to be jealous of him- it's almost like she knows how special he is to us and is just as accepting. She even gets up with me at night for feeding and changings. Then we all go back to bed. She's a good hairy big sister.

Just look at that sweet nose and those lips...I am completely and entirely in love. Yes, it's hard and it's an adjustment, but it's all we've ever wanted. I don't know why Sam and Jack were not given the same chance at life, but I know deep in my heart that he was sent to us from them. He's the best of both Mr. H and I and even more perfect than I could have ever imagined.

High blood pressure, protein in my urine, 4 nights stay in the hospital, bloating, discomfort, mood swings, 4-hour glucose tests, Trisomy scares- looking at that face makes all those troubles melt away and nothing else matters.

Worth The Wait

Introducing my new son:

Hayden Bonnell

September 1, 2011

8:58 am

6 pound 11 ounces

19 inches

Let The Countdown Begin!

My goal this pregnancy was to make it to at least 36 weeks and I've done it! My ultimate goal, obviously, is to bring a live baby home, and in 6 days he'll be here!

6 DAYS!!!

In my heart, I am ready, but I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared yet and I'm not sure I'll ever be. We've been on this journey for just over 5 years and next Thursday Sam and Jack's brother will be born into this world- it's all so very surreal.

This past Tuesday, I went to my doctor appointment and got my last P-17 injection. Of course I had to document it so I could show him when he's a teenager (and making me pull my hair out) all I went through for him. And when I tell him he's a pain in my butt, I can show him that giant needle! haha!

My BP and protein levels weren't great at my last appointment, but they weren't horrible either. At this point as long as my numbers aren't increasing, my doctor isn't too worried. After tomorrow, I only have one more appointment before the bambino gets here, so as long as I don't have any complications within the next week all is still planned for next Thursday. I asked my doctor why she didn't want me to go past 37 weeks and she said it's because at that point my risk for Eclampsia goes way up and so does my risk for seizures and stillbirth. Neither of those am I interested in!

It seems once week 35 came along, I started to get uncomfortable. It's also when the stretch marks started to show their ugly face. Really, I shouldn't complain, because they're small and there are few, but still, they're not pretty. Mr. H says they're not ugly, but I think he's just trying to make me feel better about them. I don't imagine them getting much bigger or darker in the next week so that's a good thing. However, I swear this child is trying to bust his way out through my belly button. The pressure is insane!

Most days I feel fine, but days like today I feel miserable and can't get comfortable. I feel like my stomach is in my chest and I can't breathe, which makes me rather cranky. Mister has also learned a new trick this week- kicking me under my ribs on the right side. Yes, I'm complaining but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've looked forward to getting here for so long and my discomfort won't last much longer, then I'm sure I'll miss it.

I got my "thank you" notes from the baby shower out into the mail yesterday...finally. I also got a haircut yesterday and I feel so much lighter. It got to the point that even in a ponytail, my hair was too long. I think she cut off about 4-5 inches. Now if I could just reach my toes to get them painted...

6 More Days People! Ahhhhh!