A Thankful Heart

             I have much to be thankful for. 

        Happy Thankgiving to you and yours, 

                             Monica h

Checking In

Yesterday was Sam's 6th birthday. It didn't don on me til I was talking to my grandma the other day that he would be going to school this year and that made me so sad. We should be picking out crayons and bag packs and Batman lunch boxes. 

I know I am so blessed to have Hayden in my life and he does a great job and keeping my mind busy so I'm not constantly thinking of Sam and Jack, but he can never replace his older brothers and I don't expect him to. 

Hayden is sick again, only this time he's sneezing and has a runny nose. Mr. H took him to the doctor again and it's just a cold- no infection so we'll just have to let it's run it's course. The first night was rough because he couldn't breathe through his nose and he would wake up frustrated and whiny every 30-45 minutes. He wanted to be rocked back to sleep sitting up, which meant neither one of us got sleep. Last night was a much better night since I propped him up on the Boppy. 

We went to the cemetery yesterday to clean off the boy's headstones and to do a balloon release. Hayden was exhausted but we gave him the balloons to release into the air and he perked up a bit, though he didn't want to let them go. It was sweet to watch him squint his eyes in the sunshine and watch them fly away. We sang and took a few pictures then went home for a nap. I intended to make him cupcakes but I just ran out of time but I just took them out of the oven now and are awaiting frosting. 

My sister is in the hospital. She had to have emergency surgery on Tuesday and is doing better but she's still in a lot of pain. I wish I could go spend some time with her, but she's loopy from the medication and she's clear across town, which makes it hard to visit since Hayden isn't 100% right now either. I would let my mom babysit him, but she's been with my sister almost all day every day so that's not happening. 

We went on a roadtrip earlier in the month to see my aunt who had a baby last month. The road trip was long but it was great to see family and grandparents. Hayden got to meet family and visit the town I grew up in. I also stopped by and went to see my Dad, after not talking for nearly 6 years. That deserves a post all on it's own and I'll write about it later and share photos. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that we are still here!

Hope you all are doing well. 

~Monica

Hayden is Sick

Hayden has been sick for about a week now. But not the typical cough, sneeze, runny nose sick that one would expect a kid to have. Instead he's been running a fever for days now.

It started last Sunday. He felt warm to the touch but I wasn't home to check his temperature so I didn't check it until Monday. All day Monday it was about 100.9. I gave him Tylenol but that didn't seem to help much. Tuesday morning he was burning up so I gave him more Tylenol and called the doctor. We went in to see him and they checked his nose, throat and ears. All were fine. Because of his previous history with having fluid in his kidneys they wanted to get a urine sample from him. They inserted a catheter and pressed on his bladder which let out big soggy tears. It hurt my heart to see him in pain. Once they were done, he was fine again but it was still upsetting. The urine test came came fine- no infection. Thank goodness.

The next step would have been to do a blood test but we decided to not put him through any more torture. Since Wednesday was a holiday, the doctors office was closed. The doctor gave us the option to take a blood sample from him or to wait it out til Thursday to see if the fever would go away on it's own. We waited.

The fever didn't go away. It was averaging about 102 but went all the way up to 103.7 and as low as 101. Wednesday night he got sick and threw up all over me and down my shirt. Talk about gross. We both got cleaned up then went to bed. Thursday morning we noticed that he still had a dry diaper and got concerned. At that point he had about 10 ounces of milk in him yet no pee was coming out. I fed him cereal and milk and shortly after eating that he threw up again. I called the doctor back and they suggested we just head to the hospital to be treated for possible dehydration.

We head to the hospital after Hayden's nap (about 4:00pm) and he still has a dry diaper. At this point I'm afraid they're going to have to put an IV into his little arms to hydrate him. The weird thing about all of this is that before the vomiting started, Hayden's only symptom was fever. Otherwise he was acting normal, eating normal, playing and happy. If he weren't hot to the touch and flushed you'd never know something was wrong with him. The doctor examined him and said he looked good. He gave him meds to help with nausea, thinking that would allow him to drink milk and keep it down. While waiting in the ER, he napped for about half an hour, then woke up and drank 4 oz of milk and an ounce and a half of diluted juice. Then after 17 or so hours, he had a wet diaper. yay! The doc on call was happy with that so he gave us a prescription for anti-nausea medication and sent us on our way. Again he gave us the option of hooking him up to an IV to hydrate him but we opted not to.

So far, the fever is mostly gone- it's still about 100 but he looks so much better. Though I think his stomach is still bothering him because he's not eating much. We had the Rx filled at Walgreen's and instead of filling it as written in a dissolvable tablet, they filled it as a liquid. Hayden did not react well to the liquid, gagged on it, then threw it up along with his dinner. ugh. The next day we called the pharmacy to refill it as a tablet and they said they couldn't fill the same Rx twice once the medication has left their pharmacy. The reason they filled it as a liquid in the first place is because our insurance wouldn't pay for the tablet. So Walgreen's had to call the hospital and speak with the on-call doctor and have him refax another prescription. They filled it the proper way, but we had to pay out of pocket for it.

Anyway, I've stopped giving him Tylenol since his fever is down, but he's still not eating much. Rather than eating 4-5 bottles a day, he's eating 2-3 in addition to cereal. He's taking the cereal pretty well, but he's not interested in any kind of liquids even when I give him the nausea medication. I don't know if it's working but he seemed to be keeping food down. And he's not acting like he's hungry. Until tonight when he puked all over me again before he went to bed. There's something about having a pool of vomit sloshing in your bra that is rather unappealing. This time I got some in my mouth too. Nasty to the nth degree.

Hayden also has a rash covering his body. The doctor said this might happen after his fever broke so we weren't too concerned once it appeared. It's not itching or bothering him that I can tell. It started under his arm on his left side and it has spread all over his torso, his neck and scalp and a tad over his face. I'm not sure how long this will last, but he just can't seem to catch a break. He's never been sick before so this is just a lot to happen over a course of one week.

On top of all that, he's not been sleeping well. I don't know if it's because his stomach is bothering him, if he's hurting or what. He wakes a couple times a night looking for his pacifier and then he goes back to sleep. Sometimes I'll rock him if I need to, but it's not always necessary. The past few nights though, he's been waking up any where between 3 and 5 am, crying abruptly and hysterically. He's inconsolable, doesn't want to be held, and just starts kicking me. I don't know what's going on. It lasts for a few minutes then he goes back to sleep. Because he's not sleeping well, he's taking an extra nap during the day to make up for it.

It's just been a rough week here in the H household. My mom's birthday was Thursday and I planned to make her dinner and a cake but we ended up spending our time in the ER instead so that didn't happen. I invited the family over tonight for her birthday dinner and while here, she tried to give him Tylenol and Orajel for his teething and she gave him gas drops.

She drives me crazy. EVERY time she babysits she gives him Tylenol and Orajel because "He's teething bad" as she would say. I don't give him meds unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't just pump his body full of crap hoping that one of those elixirs will fix him. I don't even know that he had gas but she gave him drops anyway. I know he was hesitant to eat and maybe that's why she thought he was gassy, but I was just giving him time to develop an appetite before trying again. I wanted to try giving him milk to see if he would take it before giving him the nausea medication. He wouldn't so I gave him a tablet. Later he ate.

After I gave him the meds, she took him to change his diaper. I was on the phone and the next thing I know she's digging in the diaper bag looking for Orajel and Tylenol because his teeth are bothering him. Honestly? He's been biting down and sticking his hands in his mouth since he was three months old. He didn't get teeth until 9 months. I've given him Tylenol and teething gels and he still bites down and chews on his thumb and other toys. It's not a cure-all and I'm not going to keep giving him dose after dose just because he's chewing on his pacifier. I stopped her from giving him more meds and offered a cold teether instead. 2 minutes later she said, "he doesn't want those". She annoys me.

I went to put Hayden to bed and Mr. H walked my mom out to her car. She had the nerve to ask him "why doesn't she give him what he needs?" referring to medication. How dare she? I do my absolute best to care for Hayden. Sure I make mistakes and I'm not the worlds best mom but I'm trying. Does she think if I gave him a daily does of Tylenol that I'd be a better mom? I'm pissed at her so I haven't talked to he about this yet. I made turkey pesto meatballs and spaghetti for dinner. Before she even tasted them, she gave away two of her meatballs to my brother. Apparently I served her too much. She ending up eating half of her spaghetti and left the meatballs because she "doesn't like meatballs", but then claimed that "dinner was good". Um, I'm glad she liked the jarred Prego sauce because that's all she ate. How rude can one be? If someone made me a birthday dinner, I'd be cordial and eat it even if I didn't think it was the best meal.

Whatever, I'm just annoyed so I'm venting. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. If you have any input on Hayden's illness or sleeping issues, I'd love to hear it. Some people have suggested that it could be Roseola, but I'm not convinced since the symptoms didn't quite match up. Anyone else experience any of this with their kids?

Happy Father's Day

There's nothing like watching your offspring grow and learn. You can almost see the wheels in their head turning, absorbing what they're seeing then reacting. It's an amazing thing to witness.

Contrary to what you all might think, I don't follow Hayden around with a camera all the time. But there are times when he commands my attention because he's just so darn cute and curious.

The photo below is of Hayden discovering his Daddy's chest hair. With one hand, he pulled back his shirt and with the other he softly and gently ran his fingers through it. I love that.

Father/son moments like these are just priceless. I know there are many more to come and I can't wait to go running after my camera to capture all those crooked grins.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy! We love you!

~Mom and Hayden

Can you see his teeth? He has one on his upper left and one on the lower right. He looks like  a little jack-o-lantern :-)

Happy Mother's Day

December 2011

I always imagined what being a mother was like, but I never really got to experience it until Hayden was born. Parenting is hard work and it not always fun, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Sam and Jack made me a mom, but Hayden made me a parent. He makes me want to be a better person and has shown me what real beauty is. I fall in love with him and his crooked smile every day. I just love him so much and I'm thankful he chose me to be his momma. 

Happy Mother's Day to all you fabulous women out there. To those of you who will be celebrating with your mothers and children this Sunday and to those who are missing them. I share these flowers with you. 

Hayden- 6 months old;  Monica- about 5 years old

Love, Monica and Mini Me (aka Hayden)

Happy Cinco de Mayo

~From The Burrito

Hayden's New Tricks

Hayden turned 8 months old on Tuesday and along with his new age, he has also acquired a few new tricks!  

• He's on day 3 of crawling- Basically he drags himself on his belly from one point to another. He's still pretty slow, but he's getting there. He pushes with his toes and pulls himself forward with his hands. It's pretty cute to watch. 
• He isn't much of a sitter, because he'd rather be standing or rolling than anything else, unless he's sitting in his high chair or on my lap- he loves that. But when it comes to sitting up on his own, he straightens his back and throws himself back. This week, though, he has been doing so much better. He only lasts a few seconds before he tips over, but he's doing it without support. 
• Hayden has also figured out how to spit and blow bubbles and thinks it's especially funny while eating. 
• As of yesterday he also now has a fake laugh. He and my mom were playing together and he started "fake" laughing at her. 

• Hayden is related to Houdini. Ever since he was teeny, I've swaddled him. At first it was in a swaddle blanket but he always managed to break loose and pop his arms out, which would wake him up. We gave up on the swaddle blanket and I switched to a blanket and just wrapped him tightly in that. As he got older, bigger and stronger that quit working as well. I bought a Dream Swaddle (see this video) and that works really well. A little too well I think, because he can't move in it at all and that pisses him off then he wakes himself up from grunting and tossing back in forth in attempts to free his arms. He can go to sleep without being swaddled but he doesn't stay asleep. Anyway, last night, he kept pulling his right arm out and I kept tucking it back in. I finally just left him alone and let it stay out of the blanket, after all he was asleep and it didn't seem to be bothering him that way. Not five minutes later he was awake again and Mr. H went in to check on him. He not only had the other arm out, but he had managed to pull it out of his pajama sleeve! He thought it was the funniest thing ever and just laughed about it, so I turned on the light and took pictures, which of course made him laugh even more. He's so goofy. Did I mention this was at 4:30am?

• Hayden loves watches! It doesn't matter who is wearing the watch, what color it is, or how big it is. He is just so curious and wants to touch, play with and eat it. 
• He's also discovered Daddy's chest hair. Hayden sits on Daddy's lap, pulls his tank top back with his left hand then attacks the hair with his right hand and rubs his hands through it trying to figure it out. 
• He shakes his head back and forth really fast. If he's laying on a flat surface, he does this in addition to moving his legs up and down and shaking his whole body. He's a nut!
• I read that babies experience "separation anxiety" at about 7 months old and boy are they right. I can't leave the room or go out of Hayden's sight without him whining for me to come back. As soon as I come back, he's hunky dory again. It's kind of funny, but annoying at the same time. 
• He's working on cutting a tooth on his lower right side. I can feel a little lump on that side so I know it's coming any day now. 
• He's about 27 inches long and 19 pounds. 
• He's eating rice and oat cereal, carrots, sweet potato, peas, pears, apple, banana, squash, sweet potato with corn, and pear with pineapple. He eats two "meals" and drinks about 3-4 bottles a day. 

That's about it for now, but he learns something new everyday. 

7 Months Old

6 Months Old

5 Months Old

Dear Abby

This has been on my mind lately so I thought I'd share it here and hope someone has some insight for me.

I have not spoken to my Dad since Sam died in August 2006- that was five and a half years ago. He lives over 9 hours away, though it's still in Texas and is self employed. I'm mentioning that now because it's crucial to the rest of the story. When Sam died, I called him and invited him to the funeral. Does one really need an invite to a funeral??? Anyway, I needed my Dad to be there for me. I had just lost my baby and was at the darkest moment in my life.

I've never had a close relationship to my Dad. My parents divorced when I was very young, not even sure how old I was. I never lived with him. My mom left us with my grandparents to live and while we lived in the same town as my Dad I just saw him on the weekends. My mom lived in another city. So basically my grandparents were our guardians and our parents. But my Dad paid child support, on occasion, when he felt like it.

Things were better between us as I got older because I didn't need him to take care of me. I didn't need him to pay for anything for me. I was independent and did things on my own. I moved away to a larger city in Texas to live with my mom. We spoke on the phone, we saw eachother when we returned to visit my grandparents. He and my mom both walked me down the aisle when Mr. H and I married 7 years ago. Heck he even came and spent Thanksgiving at our new house in 2005. We had a decent relationship, though we never really had that typical father-daughter type of relationship.

Okay back to when Sam died. I assumed he would be coming to the funeral. I never asked him to, but we spoke on the phone about it, and I gave him all the funeral arrangement information he would need. As soon as my aunt and grandparents found out that I had lost the baby, they drove all night to come be with us. They all live in the same town. I didn't necessarily expect him to do the same, but I thought with a few days notice he could arrange to be there to see his grandson before we buried him. Instead he called me and said they weren't coming because he had to work. Remember, I mentioned that he's self employed and my step mom works for a church. I'm pretty sure they could have arranged something if they wanted to. Money is not an issue so it wasn't because they couldn't have afforded the trip. He said they would come a few days later and we could "go shopping" to take my mind off of things. I was heartbroken, first by the lost of my son then because of my Dad.

After thinking about this for 5 1/2 years, I have come to see things a little differently. His words hurt me then, but I now understand (or I think I do) that he was probably just uncomfortable with the situation and he didn't know what to do, so coming for a social visit was easier. I now know that he didn't intend to hurt me by his actions and words. What I don't understand though is that my Dad is highly religious. They are a huge part of the church and attend 3 days a week, and both services on Sunday. My step mom works there during the week as a secretary and he is an usher. They preach the Bible, pray like it's going out of style and are quick to point fingers at people and other family members who "aren't good people". How hypocritical can one be? He claims to be a "man of God" but doesn't live by what the Bible says,.Though if you were to ask him he would say differently. My Grandma summed it up by saying "he has religion, not God".

Let me back up about 35 years. My mom and my Dad lost their first child together. It was a girl and she was born several weeks early and didn't survive. No one talks about her. I don't even know much about her other than her name, her birthday and that she was premature. So given this information, I expected him to be more sympathetic towards me and my situation. Perhaps my loss just brought back so many memories of his loss that he just couldn't deal with it??? Maybe so, but he had to have felt some kind of connection to what I was feeling. Was he not devastated or sad, or hurting, or disappointed like I was? It was almost as if he was completely disconnected.

I conveyed my disappointment towards my Dad to my mom. I was completely hurt. I needed my Dad more than ever and once again he was not there for me. If there was ever a time to step up, that was it. He didn't. My mom called him and left him a nasty voice mail, only I didn't know about it until after the fact. Well apparently he saved it and still has it and assumed that everything my mother said to him about me hating him and never wanting to see him again was exactly how I felt. He assumed because she said it, that it was directly from me. He, to this day, thinks that I was sitting right there next to my mom feeding her info so she could leave it on his answering machine. I did not. Am I mad at my mom for leaving that message? No because she was hurt because I was hurting and she spoke from her heart, even if it was out of anger. She did what she thought was best and was sticking up for me. Sure she said some not nice things to him but it's not her fault that we are on the situation we are in. He's been a disappointment all my life, this just sealed the deal.

In October of 2006, I sent my Dad a picture of baby Sam, a packet of Forget-Me-Not flower seeds, a blue remembrance ribbon and the funeral pamphlet with all the burial info on it. That was my way of making an effort to include him. At that point it had been two months without speaking to him and I never heard from him as to whether or not he even received the package. He said and did nothing to acknowledge me or his grandson. To this day, he still hasn't. I'm not even sure that he knew that I was pregnant Jack and lost him too. I wasn't even sure that he knew that I was pregnant with Hayden either.

My brother has a "relationship" with him. My brother says it works between them because my brother doesn't expect anything from him. "If you don't expect anything, you can't be disappointed" he says. Well if you ask me, that's bullshit. How can one call that a relationship? Especially when it's with a parent. I'm sorry, but I need more than that. I expect more than that from my friends and neighbors, much less my father! Isn't that what a relationship is? It's about give and take, it's about respect and courtesy towards eachother. Am I wrong? My Dad treats my brother like crap and my brother keeps going back and calling him and fixing things because he longs for that relationship too. Clearly my brother is the better man.

Anyway, about 3 years ago, my brother told me that my dad was asking about me and was wondering how I was doing. I told my brother that if he wanted to know about me all he had to do was ask. My brother then said that my dad was not going to call or reach out to me because I was "the one with the problem". That sent me over the top! Especially since he was the one inquiring about me, not the other way around.

Fast forward to now. My brother is in town visiting. He lives with my grandparents in the same town as my Dad. He and my Dad see and speak to eachother pretty regularly. My Dad told my brother that he had been having dreams about me and was concerned about me and was hoping that I was okay. He told my brother to really talk to me to and establish how I was doing. My brother told him to call me and ask and he replied that he was not going to call because I needed to do that. He told my brother that he just didn't know when I was going "to come around". I don't get it?! It's not as if he's ever reached out to me to make amends. EVER. Maybe he thinks he has because he's been trying to work things out between us using my brother as a middle man. That's not fair to my brother. And my brother has such a big heart and really wants us to work things out that he tries so hard to convince us both to be the better person and to make the first move. But here's where the problem lies. I'm not sure I care to have a relationship with him anymore and that's sad.

I think in a perfect world, we would have a relationship. We would spend holidays together and he would call me on my birthday. He hasn't done that in forever! But things are not perfect and I've spent way too much of my time hoping for him to change and become a father. Now I do believe people can change and he has definitely turned his life around from where he used to be, but still our relationship is not a priority. As I said earlier, my Dad broke my heart. I still love him and I think of him from time to time, but I am no longer holding my breath waiting for him to come around. I have found fatherly roles in other people around me because he wasn't there. After 5 1/2 years I have accepted that things are the way the are. I have accepted that we may not ever have a relationship and I'm finally okay with that. Thinking about him no longer makes me angry (until now!).

But since Hayden has been born, things have changed. He wants a picture of Hayden. He got his feelings hurt because I didn't send him a birth announcement or a Christmas card with Hayden's picture on it. Why would I? I haven't sent him one in the years past so it's not like I just decided to exclude him this year. But every year I send one to his mother (my fraternal grandmother) and he saw it. I'd be more than happy to send him a picture of Hayden if he called and asked for one, but I'm not sending one if he's asking through my brother. I'm not trying to be stubborn here, I just think I deserve more than that.

There was a point where I had so much to say to him and a wise friend of mine told me that he wasn't worth my time and energy. That being upset and holding a grudge only upset me, it only affected me, not him. And that's when I finally understood that she was right. It's like that whole forgiveness thing. You forgive people to set yourself free not to let the people who've wronged you off the hook. I can't say for sure that I have forgiven him, but I've accepted the way things are and I've moved on with my life.

I guess what upsets me now is that my Dad is bringing up the voice mail that my mom left. And saying that because she said I hated him, that I must. I don't hate him. I've told my brother that and he's told my Dad that but he doesn't believe him. He's even spoken to my mom on multiple occasions and he's never once brought it up to her. He wants me to call and tell him that I don't hate him. My Dad says I shouldn't hold on to the past because "the past will kill you" but that's exactly what he's doing. He's a hypocrite. I've moved on and he's dragging me back to that dark place that I don't want to be. I've asked my brother to stop relaying his messages to me and he's asked my Dad the same thing but they just keep on coming. I keep replaying these conversations in my head and it just angers and frustrates me. My brother thinks it's his fault and it's not.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this. I don't feel that it's necessary for me to call. I'm not the one that has anything to say to him. I've made my peace within myself. I've beaten myself up over this for far too long and I'm done. I have my own family that fulfills me and he's not part of it- that was his choice. I think he wants to be a part of Hayden's life though and I'm just not okay with that. He can't have a relationship with my son without having one with me. I'd rather Hayden not know about his grandfather than to ever be disappointed by him like I have been all my life. I don't ever want Hayden to feel unloved or hurt by that man. And I surely don't think it's my responsibility to introduce Hayden into his life just because they're related. If he wants to know Hayden, isn't that his responsibility to make an effort?

Please set me straight here. If I'm wrong, tell me. Is there something I'm not seeing here? Can some of you relate to his side of the story? I need enlightenment. I don't want to deprive Hayden of a relationship with my Dad, but he's just not a good father and I want to protect him from all the hurt he's caused me over my lifetime. Then I start second guessing myself and think that just because he was a crappy father to me doesn't mean he'll be that way with Hayden. But how do I know? It's just too risky.

Hayden Starts Solids

**Copied and pasted from my other blog**

This weekend last year, Mr. h and I were in New Jersey so I could have cervical surgery in order to be able to carry Hayden to term. I wrote about it HERE, if you'd like to go back and read it. One full year later, Hayden is thriving and doing wonderfully and eating big boy food! He turned 6 months old on Thursday, March 1st. I think he was ready a couple weeks ago to start solids but I wanted to wait til he was a full 6 months old to introduce other foods besides milk. He may have been ready but his momma was not. My baby is growing up so fast!

My mom bought him some rice cereal a couple months ago. His pediatrician said it okay for him to eat it but that it wasn't necessary so we weren't in any rush. But on Thursday he got his first taste and since this is a food blog, I thought I'd share his first food experience with you all. Here goes!

Day 1: Excited to be sitting in his high chair, but has no idea what is to come.

I let him pick the color of his bowl then Daddy and I took turns feeding him with his new spoon that Michelle of One Ordinary Day got for him. Isn't it great? You can get one from Lisa Leonard Designs. Thank you Michelle!

It started off okay, but he really was not a fan of the rice cereal mixed with milk.

Day 2: My mom came over to feed him and Hayden was still not impressed, as you can see. We decided to try a little banana puree since he likes to gum on and lick chunks of banana. He really didn't take to it either, I think because of the texture.

So we mixed the two together and he seemed to like that better.

Then he got silly and started making this face which made us laugh so he kept doing it. He's such a ham.

Day 3: We tried a slice of mashed banana with the rice cereal again yesterday and in return I got plenty of this:

He may have stuck his tongue out in disgust after every bite, but he ate it all!

Today, Mr. h fed him, which meant half of it wound up on him rather than in his mouth, but he finished up that bowl too! We'll continue with the rice and banana for a few more days before trying new foods, but so far so good. Pears are next on the list.

Thanks for letting me share Hayden's first foods with you all. This is just the beginning of all the excitement :-).

"Star of Mommy's Blog"- could not be more true.

Happy Valentine's Day! (2 Weeks Late)

I took Valentine pictures of Hayden a couple weeks ago and forgot to share them with you all. Hey it's still February for one more day. Happy Leap Year!

Jack's 5th Birthday

Tuesday the 21st, was Jack's 5th birthday. It's hard to believe it's been so long. This year I actually had to think long and hard about how old he would have been. Five, he would have been 5 years old. Wow. I can't even imagine having a five year old running around here. My mom was talking the other day about having three little boys around the house, but the truth of the matter is, if we hadn't lost Sam, we wouldn't have had Jack. If we hadn't have lost Jack, there wouldn't be a Hayden. It sucks that that's how things have to work out but our journey is what led us to where we are. I often say I wouldn't trade Hayden for anything, and the reality is I had to trade my two first born for him, only I didn't have a say in the matter.

Notice Hayden's outfit? We got that onesie from Target about 3 or 4 years ago and have saved it ever since for a son that would wear it. Jack's birthday was just that occasion. We also bought the same shirt in size 2T for later on :-)

We started the day off by heading to the cemetery to see the boys. I'm ashamed to admit that we haven't been to the cemetery since Sam's birthday in August, before Hayden was born. So this was the first time taking Hayden. We took Autumn as well and she was hovering over his car seat and caught his attention. He looks at her but not usually with that much intrigue. I just thought it was cute.

In the midst of packing up the entire house for an outing, we forgot the cleaning supplies for the headstones. I guess it doesn't really matter though. We took flowers to the boys and sang to Jack while Daddy told Hayden about his older brothers.

It was so different this year than last. Last year, we shared a grocery store cupcake for Jack's birthday. I was pregnant with Hayden but we were still unsure of how things would turn out- there were a lot of tears. This year, we were sad and missed him as we always do, but it just felt different having a live son there at the cemetery with us. Bittersweet is a good word to describe it, I guess. A few years ago, Mr. H bought an extra plot at the cemetery next to Sam and Jack just in case we ever needed it. That makes me sad to think about it, but he did it for me. He knew if we ever lost another I'd want them all together. But I can't help but think that could have potentially belonged to Hayden. I'm so thankful that he's in our arms and not in the ground. I hope and pray to God that that plot is never filled.

Later in the day, we took Hayden for a follow-up appointment for his kidneys. He got an ultrasound of his kidneys and bladder. His right kidney has improved significantly and the left is still enlarged and fluid filled, but it hasn't gotten worse over the past few months. The doctors are concerned about possible infection, but so far so good. He'll have another checkup in May. He was a good little patient.

Afterwards, we stopped by the Ronald McDonald House to visit with Ronald.

Then stopped to smell the flowers (and bees).

In other news, we got Hayden a Bumbo off of Craigslist. I waited to get him one because I wasn't sure if he'd like it, but so far he does. Sometimes when we hold him, we just tries to get away because he wants to do things on his own but he still wants to be near us. We usually keep it on the floor for safety reasons but he sat on the couch with his Poppa the other day and seemed to really enjoy it. He's such a cheeseball. You'll notice he's hanging on to his feet. That's his new thing. He found them a few weeks ago and loves to play with them. He'd rather play with his toes than any other toy. And his new trick is laying on his back, grabbing his feet and rolling on the floor, only he refuses to roll over completely, he just rolls over to his side, shifts positions, then does it again. After a few minutes, he's moved himself over a few feet.

Who needs teethers when you have cold metal coffee table legs? Yes, that's his soother of choice. Doesn't care for nubby teethers, cool gel teethers or frozen wash cloths. That is what he wants and it keeps him entertained because he can see his refelection in the chrome. He's so funny!

Happy Birthday Jack. We love you!

My Little Penguin

I shared this picture on my other blog and wanted to post it here too because the boy is just too dang cute! He wore this penguin sweater for Christmas but I didn't get any pictures of him wearing it so I put it back on him last week before taking the tree down and snapped a few pics. I think they turned out fairly well for an impromptu photo shoot.

Not only did I want pictures of him in his sweater before he outgrew it, but I wanted a couple pictures of him by himself in front of the boys' Christmas tree. Except he's not quite sitting up on his own yet and we don't have a Bumbo, so I just layed him on his belly on the ottoman and slid it in front of the tree- it was the perfect height.

I also liked this picture because in the background are Sam and Jack's painted ornaments (the porcelain discs above Hayden's shoulder and above the red ornament), as well as Hayden's handprint. I wanted a "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament but never bought one because I thought we would have gotten one as a gift. We didn't. And when I tried to find one, they were either sold out or I didn't like them. So we just made one with supplies we had on hand- a glass ornament, craft glue and white glitter. I think it kind of looks like a Mickey Mouse paw. haha! On the back side of the ornament, I wrote the date in with a silver paint marker.

The Difference A Year Makes

This day last year, we found out we were pregnant. It was a scary feeling. Of course I was happy and thrilled, but the fear overwhelmed me. Years rolled down my face because I didn't know what the future would hold. I didn't know if the baby I was carrying would survive, if everything would be okay. Though I hoped with all my heart, I just couldn't imagine what my life would be like with a living child. A year later, this is the miracle that was growing inside me. Not only did he survive, but he thrived and has grown into an amazing little being. It's amazing the difference a year makes.

This is the stick I peed on a year ago. It still says I'm pregnant to this day.

And this is what we made! Gorgeous little Hayden.

He rolled over for the first time on his own last Sunday. We were so proud of him. I'm sure he would have done this sooner, but I'm terrible at making sure he does "tummy time". Mostly because he hates it, so I always give in and turn him back over. And because he always spits up in this position. He looks rather unhappy in these photos- not because I am forcing him to show off for the camera, but because he had the hiccups. He HATES the hiccups. That second picture in the collage looks likes he's crying out for help. haha!

Well Hayden turned 4 months old on the first of the month. He has gone through a growth spurt and all his size 3 month footed jammies that were fitting last week are no longer long enough. It's like he just grew overnight! I had a couple pairs of jammies in his diaper bag last night. I tried to put them on him and it was like stuffing a sausage. He was a trooper but he was rather annoyed after his third outfit change.

He went to the doctor this past Tuesday for his 4 month check up. He got his DTap vaccination and didn't even flinch. It was 4 hours later when the pain set in. He cried a terrible cry, that left his momma in tears too. It was awful. I had given him Tylenol right after the shot, but forgot to give it to him later in the evening. He let me know, but it was too late. I've never heard him cry like that before. I felt guilty and helpless. Poor guy. Luckily once the meds kicked in he was fine for the rest of the evening. I've learned my lesson.

He weighs just over 16 pounds, which is only about a pound up from last month. His weight puts him in the 73rd percentile, and his height (26 inches) in the 75th percentile. We always tease him that he's got a big ol' noggin, but surprisingly, it's below average in size at the 25th percentile. Who knew?! I guess we can't make fun of him too much :-)

He's still only drinking breastmilk which the doctor says is just fine. As long as he's still growing and I'm producing enough for him, he's just fine to continue on an all milk diet. The doctor said I could start him on rice cereal but that it really wasn't necessary just yet. My mom bought him some but I think I'll hold off as long as I can. Once milk isn't enough, we'll add the cereal. Hayden is a good sleeper. He sleeps for about 6-7 hours, eats then goes right back to sleep for another 3 hours. He also takes about 3 naps during the day. I still don't get anything done, but at least he's getting the rest he needs.

He's starting to sit up on his own too. He sits with me in the recliner (leaning back) and he starts to pull himself up. He's got some good core strength. He's not really interested in sitting much though, he just wants to stand. We joke that one day he's just going to get up and walk on out of here. My grandma says he's just ready to go to school.

This is Hayden and I showering together when he was just one month old. I look back at him now and he looks so tiny. I love our time together in the shower and he loves the water. He just moves his head from side to side (like Stevie Wonder) when the water is falling down on him. He's a funny boy.When he was first born I'd give him a bath in the bathroom sink, but he quickly outgrew that. He still showers with me on a regular basis but he got his first bath in the kitchen sink this past week. Why? Because he had a major poopy diaper.

WARNING: POOPY PANTS BELOW!!!

What a slippery mess he was. And stinky!

And here he is enjoying the bath. Clean and happy! The outfit he was wearing was a whole other story though.

So there you are, Hayden's first couple weeks of 2012. A happy new year it is!