"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

still in the race

Just wanted to say thank you for coming out of hiding and commenting on my last post. I sincerely appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Some of your comments made me a little teary eyed. There were 31 comments and I only know 3 of you in real life. Some of you pray for me, think of me, hope for me and I never knew you existed. You all amaze me and I am in awe of your kind spirits.

When I said I was needy, I didn't mean I was in need of comments. This process of trying to make a baby is time consuming, it's exhausting, it's emotionally draining... I was just feeling alone--a little left behind. And I just needed to know you were out there.

I have my good days and my bad days, although I tend to not show how bad I feel inside. I'm grateful to be TTC because it felt like this time would never come. There are some days it feels like we just started trying and then I realize it's been 7 1/2 months and I wonder what the hell is taking so long, or what's wrong with me.

I'm a little jealous of all the pregnancies that are popping up everywhere, some in blogland and some in real life. None of them are my friends, but they're friends of friends and they keep sharing with me the great news. It is great news and I AM happy for them (I promise) but it's just feels like more pressure on me to make it happen. (Rachel, I'm not talking about you).

I know no one is pressuring me and no one is trying to make me feel badly, it just happens. It's like when you're running a race and you're being lapped by the athletes of the group. I'm being lapped over and over again and sometimes I wonder why I'm still running.

I will reach the finish line. That's my goal anyway.

12 comments:

my3sons said...

Monica,
I pray you reach the finish line VERY soon! Katie

Monica said...

Girl, if I have to carry you myself across the finish line myself, I will. However, I see you crossing the finish line in Hollywood fashion.. in slow motion, to a sappy song, with confetti falling, your arms outstreched and the last few frames in slow motion.

Virginia said...

You'll get there, one way or another. I feel sure of it.

Remember, too, that it takes the majority of couples ONE YEAR to get pregnant--that's not a number you see a lot. If you can, I would recommend finding an acupuncturist--I know a great one in Cleveland who specializes in helping people get pregnant w/ a great success rate. I realize you can't come here, but, if it's possible, keep it in mind.

I'm sorry it's taking so long. Hang in there.

Rachel said...

Thanks Monica, I'm just an over-sensitive type that constantly worries about hurting other's feelings.

Virginia is right, it takes on average a year for a couple to get pregnant. Some of us freakishly don't, but we aren't normal.

I can understand being anxious about the wait, your turn will come though.

Kristi said...

I know you will finish the race too! You will be a mom with a baby in your arms.

I think of you often and hope for the best.

niobe said...

There was a time when I had to basically stop reading other people's blogs for a while because I had exactly that feeling that you describe of being lapped. And I remember all too clearly how it felt.

Reese said...

Cheering you on...

mrsmuelly said...

That's exactly how I felt too - like I was being "lapped". I'm so sorry that you feel that way. Sam and Jack are surely taking their time picking out their sibling. That just means that he/she will be all that more special!
Still crossing everything and wishing on stars :-)

Mrs. Seng said...

Hi Monica,
I know exactly what you are talking about, being "lapped over" in this TTC race, and how pregnancies are popping up everywhere. I work in disability insurance and everyday I talk to hundreds of women ecstaticly calling in to report the healthy birth of their babies (and I hear those healthy babies cooing in the background). Just like you, I AM happy for them, but I can't help feeling like why can't I be one of those happy mothers calling in to report the healthy birth of my child? It's only been 2 months since I lost my babygirl Shia, but I can't tell you how much your blog has given me hope when I thought that hope was no longer an option for me. Sam and Jack have such wonderful parents, I may not know you in person, but I applaud your strength to still stay in the race, my heart will be with you at the finish line cheering you on!

Sophie said...

I know exactly how you feel! Ever since I started ttc I never look at babies the way I used to! Before, I saw them as these cute lovable things that I would eventually have...now I see them as true miracles...glad you're still in the race! I hate running :P; I'm lazy too--I'm just trying to pace myself :)!

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry, I understand all those feelings I've been there too. I just hope I dont cause you any pain. We have all been there and know the feelings. Dont give up and I'm holding your hand even though I am far away. Thinking of you...

Rachel said...

I think this is the longest you have ever gone without posting. My bloglines aren't updating properly, so I thought I missed something. I'm bummed there is no post, but happy I didn't miss anything.