"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Sunday, February 15, 2009

Pile Up On The Emotional Highway

When I have nothing going on or nothing to say I post pictures to fill in the blanks. Then all of a sudden, I have a whole lot to say and I write a post like the one you're about to read.

Valentine's sucked. It usually does. I make a ton of effort to make things nice without spending a lot of money and I get disappointed every year. It's my own fault, I know Mr. H boycotts VDay because he thinks it's a made up holiday. But the way I see it, it's just an excuse to show someone you love them. What's the big deal? You can do it with a post-it that says "I love you" or with a heart written in a steamy bathroom mirror. Instead he worked out in the garage then at one point left and I watched DVR'd Food Network episodes, then made him chocolate covered strawberries then made him a nice filet mignon with bearnaise dinner. I gave him a card and good chocolates, not the cheap kind and I got a thank you.

I feel selfish asking for anything in return, but like I said I'm not asking for material things. His boycott doesn't affect Hallmark or 1800Flowers. It affects me. Whatever, I'm moving on. But I still stand by my opinion that it sucked. And yet I remain hopeful for next year :-P

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My aunt called me tonight to ask how we were doing. I thought she was calling to say Happy Valentine's Day and thank you for the homemade card I sent her. Instead, she said she wants me to take my time and think about what I'd like to do to contribute to her wedding. You know, because she wants me to be comfortable. She said she'll accept whatever decision I make.

I don't know what to do.

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Jack's 2nd birthday is Saturday. I feel like the date has crept up on me. Although I know when it is. I can't forget it. His birthday is 2 days before Mr. H's and I've been thinking about how to celebrate his day. I think it's just so overwhelming to plan a birthday for a baby who'll never see or appreciate it. It's heart wrenching.

I've been trying to not think about it. Trying to pretend that the sadness of the day doesn't exist. Waiting for it to pass. But I know I can't and won't let the day pass me by. I just miss him so much and I wish his birthdays were different. I wish he were here.

January 18th was Sam's due date. January 31st marked the 2nd anniversary of my cerclage that failed. Valentine's Day was also a difficult time for me because it was really the last meal I remember having with family. Times were very tense and everyday was a challenge. You can read more about it here, but actually read it, don't just look at the pictures.

That's it. A lot of emotional stuff going on and it seems to pile up on me all at once. As the Peanuts gang says, "Good grief".

12 comments:

tyfamilyadventures said...

Ours sucked also...Let the emotions flow always here for you..take care
hugs...

Seraphim said...

Oh sweet girl, it all sucks.
And it is what it is
And it sucks.
But it will pass and it will get better. For what it's worth, I'll be celebrating your little boy's day. A candle, release some balloons, cos babies LOVE balloons and maybe I'll make some cupcakes too.
Lots of love to you
and hope.
There's ALWAYS hope xxxxx

my3sons said...

For what its worth, my vday sucked too! My hubby and I exchanged cards and I got him cards from the kids; he forgot to get me one from the kids. We cleaned the house most of the day and ordered chinese takeout for the family! SO romantic! I guess when you have been married a while this happens.

I'm sure that each anniversary date that comes along brings with it its own sad memory, and tears. Like the previous comment balloons are a great idea. Thinking of you as you get closer his birthday. Hang in there:)

Rachel said...

I'm sorry. Sometimes guys are clueless.

Sorry about Jack's birthday. I thought the swirl cookies you took to the RM house were wonderful. Maybe you could do that or something similar.

Becky said...

I'm sorry Valentines day sucked. I could write the same post, though. I don't know why I even get my hopes up. Why do I do that to myself? Year after year, I'm dissapointed. And not because I 'want' something...because he doesn't think enough of me to do anything. Not even going for a walk with me...nothing. It hurts even if it's not a 'real' holiday.

I've been thinking about Jack a lot lately. Especially knowing that his birthday is coming up. I wish I had an answer as to what to do for him...but do what you feel comfortable with. Whatever you decide, it will be perfect. For Dylan and Riley's birthdays we just went to the cemetary with balloons. To us, it fit. And whatever you decide to do for Jack will fit too.

mrsmuelly said...

Okay, I went back and read the other post. Whew! I love the locket...it's beautiful. I'm so glad that you had the idea to get it for Mr. H.

I tend to be a veto V-day person too. I don't like the crowds or the ridiculously expensive flowers that then die. We always exchange cards and try to do something together on the day - we watched a movie at home. Sometimes the day means more to me, but it's pretty unpredictable. I've just come to realize that my DH won't just know unless I tell him - "Hey, you should cook me dinner and bring roses tonight."

Kristi said...

I know I'll be thinking of Jack & his parents on his birthday.

I'm sorry V-Day sucked.

Your aunt is letting you choose what you want to do in her wedding? I find that odd. What if you say that you want to help with the favors & then she says that she has already picked out favors, choose another duty. So you keep going 'round & 'round until you can both agree on something?
Between us in blogland - what do you want to do?

The Nanny said...

When it rains, it pours. And that sucks. :-(

I, too, will be thinking of Jack (and of you and Mr. H) in the upcoming days. I'm definitely going to try to do a little something special on his day, too.

xoxo...

Missing said...

*hugs*
This grief stuff sucks. calendar days, holidays...sad sad...here we go again.

I used to get angry with Dh for the exact same mentality, now, instead of getting stuff for each other on the holidays, we save up and go away a couple times of year. Takes the pressure off him, and yet, we arespending it together. But for a few years, it REALLY drove me nuts and I took it as thoughtlessness

Virginia said...

Tell him what you want. Really. Sometimes it's the only way with men. :-)

I'm sorry it sucked, though, but my weekend was kinda the same. I did get a card and chocolates, but otherwise, we fought a lot. Yippee.

I've never known what to do for Ben, so I light a candle and remember him. Someone I know mentioned that a friend of hers writes messages to her baby and ties it to a balloon and sends it off every year on his birthday. Just a thought.

And hugs.

BasilBean said...

I'm sorry that so many things are hitting you at once. Be gentle with yourself, this is a lot to carry at the same time.

It has been hard to know what to do with the anniversaries. I am glad, though, that I have taken the time each year to write something to William.

I think you are on the right track with manning the guest book. You won't have to spend way too much money on some bridesmaid dress that you will never wear again, which is a real plus. And it doesn't require a lot of time and effort beyond the actual time you do it at the wedding.

I don't think it is selfish of you to want something for Valentine's Day. It's too bad that Mr. H boycotts it, because I agree with you that it is a nice opportunity to tell someone that you love and appreciate them. My feeling about holidays is that we need to communicate in advance what our expectations are, so we can try to be on the same page--or as close as possible. After almost 9 years of marriage we are still working out most of the holidays.

Sending you warm hugs and belated Valentine's wishes of love.

Jaded Girl said...

i'm sorry about your valentines day. my husband and i also consider it an excuse for retailers to make money, so over time we have tried to become creative rather than spend dough.

i'll be thinking about Jack on Saturday. Monday is Emi's day.
It all really just sucks!