"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Monday, February 2, 2009

A Promise Kept -Part 3

I meant to post sooner, but I've been sick and have felt like poo run over by a semi. Pretty picture I've painted, huh?

If you need to get caught up in this little mini-series, then read Part 1 and Part 2 first.

We stood in the stairwell after leaving our last appointment and we both held each other and cried. I think we left there knowing our limits. We made a promise to each other--to love each other and to do our best to keep each other happy--to keep our family whole and full of love.

It was like a light bulb went off for us and though we never spoke about our last appointment again, we just knew we didn't want to go back there ever again.

Things changed. We were happier. The pressure to have a baby and a perfect life lessened. Mr. H still wants a "prefect" life and I still desire to have a child, we have found a nice balance between the two.

It has been nearly 2 years since Jack died. Though I never spoke my thoughts aloud, I desired to be pregnant again by the end of 2007. I wanted to try again. I felt I could do it and I needed to prove to myself and everyone else that I could do it. Mr. h wanted to wait. At this time we were going to group counseling (with the guy who quit us) and we tried to work through our feelings and reservation of trying again. It didn't really get us anywhere. Mr. H wanted to wait a full year to TTC. So we waited. February came and went and still nothing.

A few more months passes and Mr. H kept changing his mind about wanting to try again. I think initially he decided to wait a year because it seemed so far away and because he hoped that by the time came around he would be ready. He wasn't and rather than telling me, he just kept putting me off. He didn't know how to tell me he wasn't ready for fear of upsetting me so he just avoided any and all things that had to do with babies and baby making. I waited patiently month after month until I couldn't take it anymore. Which landed us in therapy this last time. The whole idea was to find a nice compromise between what he and I both wanted. We found that together.

In November we tried for the first time to conceive. It was wonderful. It was unexpected and beautiful and...it just was. It was what and how and when we needed it to be. I still have reservations talking about it because I feel like I'm going to jinx things. I feel if I don't put too much weight on the situation that it won't hurt as badly when Mr. H changes his mind or when we don't conceive as soon as I'd like.

It's just all so new to me right now. I haven't done this in a long while and I find myself freaking out just a bit- in a good way. So if you're the praying type- pray for us that this works and the wee one that is trying to be made strives. Or light a candle, chant or sprinkle some baby-makin' fairy dust our way.

I am still hopeful.

*
*
*
*
*

BTW, Congratulations to JGirl and Coggy on the births of their new beautiful babies.

21 comments:

The Nanny said...

I am praying, lighting candles, chanting, AND sending some baby-makin' fairy dust your way. And I am so hopeful and so excited!

Rachel said...

I am glad you are still hopeful! I am the praying type, and I will be praying for you.

I know it is a big decision to start trying again, and I am glad you are both on the same page at the same time.

mkv said...

I've been hoping for this time for so long for you. Prayers will continue. xoxo

Kristi said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm very happy for you both and am keeping you in my positive thoughts.

Amy B said...

Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your feelings. Praying for you and sending good thoughts and wishes your way - you deserve it!!

niobe said...

I'm hopeful and thrilled that you've reached this point together.

my3sons said...

I am the praying type also! SO, I will be praying that you suceed in the baby-makin really soon! Nobody deserves it more that you two! If I had some fairy dust I would sprinkle that too! Good luck to you, and have FUN trying:) Katie

Becky said...

I'm praying! I'm praying! And I'm praying that when we get there in April you'll be on bedrest : )

Missing said...

I am so hopeful for you both! *hugs*

Lori said...

You know me girl. I'll be praying and thinking about you/ya'll. Heck, I would even come and lay my hands on you if I thought it would do any good!

Reese said...

Oh, Monica, I swear I am near tears when I read this.

Lighting candles and sending white light and everything your way....

Reese

Hennifer said...

I'll be doing whatever I can to support you! What happy news! And can I just say that I feel that means you need to shed a little light on your blog again!

Yay for being hopeful! and keeping hope in your heart!

Monica said...

Babydust coming your way.

Seraphim said...

What a wonderful post! Praying and wishing for you xxx

BasilBean said...

I am so glad that you shared this with us, because you can bet that I will be sending LOTS of prayers your way.

I'm here for you any time you need it, feel free to e-mail if you want to "talk." In many ways I feel like you and I have walked along a similar road and I have so much hope for you.

mrsmuelly said...

Prayers, candles, eyelash wishes, shooting stars...whatever it takes. You will both be in my every thought.

wannabe mom said...

Thank you so much for sharing the news. I am hopeful and will pray for your family. I didn't realize all that was going on behind the scenes, you and Mr. H seem very connected and in love and I'm glad things are better and looking up.

Jaded Girl said...

i am so glad you both had the unexpected moment, and unexpected is indeed the key word here. Monica, he is getting 'there' absolutely getting there and on his own too. you are on your way.

Virginia said...

Ah, I wanted to comment earlier...but, better late than never, right?

I am so happy to hear this news from you! And excited, and scared, and everything else...and crossing fingers, toes, eyelashes, praying and hoping you soon get the news you want.

froggy mommy said...

I am keeping you guys in my prayers every night. I am so hopeful for you!

Coggy said...

Oh Monica what a beautiful post. I can't tell you how happy I am to read that you and Mr H are able to move forward together and TTC. I have waited so long to read this. You are a wonderful person to give Mr H the space he needed while having to hold back on your dreams. I have every single thing crossed for you that this will not be a long wait. I'm so excited for you both. Much love x x x
P.S please email me when you post itsastrangeworld@yahoo.co.uk