A Promise Kept -Part 3

I meant to post sooner, but I've been sick and have felt like poo run over by a semi. Pretty picture I've painted, huh?

If you need to get caught up in this little mini-series, then read Part 1 and Part 2 first.

We stood in the stairwell after leaving our last appointment and we both held each other and cried. I think we left there knowing our limits. We made a promise to each other--to love each other and to do our best to keep each other happy--to keep our family whole and full of love.

It was like a light bulb went off for us and though we never spoke about our last appointment again, we just knew we didn't want to go back there ever again.

Things changed. We were happier. The pressure to have a baby and a perfect life lessened. Mr. H still wants a "prefect" life and I still desire to have a child, we have found a nice balance between the two.

It has been nearly 2 years since Jack died. Though I never spoke my thoughts aloud, I desired to be pregnant again by the end of 2007. I wanted to try again. I felt I could do it and I needed to prove to myself and everyone else that I could do it. Mr. h wanted to wait. At this time we were going to group counseling (with the guy who quit us) and we tried to work through our feelings and reservation of trying again. It didn't really get us anywhere. Mr. H wanted to wait a full year to TTC. So we waited. February came and went and still nothing.

A few more months passes and Mr. H kept changing his mind about wanting to try again. I think initially he decided to wait a year because it seemed so far away and because he hoped that by the time came around he would be ready. He wasn't and rather than telling me, he just kept putting me off. He didn't know how to tell me he wasn't ready for fear of upsetting me so he just avoided any and all things that had to do with babies and baby making. I waited patiently month after month until I couldn't take it anymore. Which landed us in therapy this last time. The whole idea was to find a nice compromise between what he and I both wanted. We found that together.

In November we tried for the first time to conceive. It was wonderful. It was unexpected and beautiful and...it just was. It was what and how and when we needed it to be. I still have reservations talking about it because I feel like I'm going to jinx things. I feel if I don't put too much weight on the situation that it won't hurt as badly when Mr. H changes his mind or when we don't conceive as soon as I'd like.

It's just all so new to me right now. I haven't done this in a long while and I find myself freaking out just a bit- in a good way. So if you're the praying type- pray for us that this works and the wee one that is trying to be made strives. Or light a candle, chant or sprinkle some baby-makin' fairy dust our way.

I am still hopeful.

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BTW, Congratulations to JGirl and Coggy on the births of their new beautiful babies.