Happy Halloween!

An Explanation

I'm sorry for the last post. Well not really sorry, but I didn't mean to make any of you feel like I didn't appreciate your friendship. Sarah, you in particular.

I just get in my ruts, at least a couple times a month, where I feel let down by the world. It's a stupid selfish feeling and it's all because I can't have what I want. I know that you can all relate.

I just feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck sometimes. Looking at me you couldn't tell, but my spirit is crushed. I feel defeated. I know that some of you can relate to what I'm feeling at this very moment and some of you have no idea what's running through my mind. And that's okay. My last post wasn't meant to be a roll call to see who actually read my blog, but it did confirm who doesn't. And that hurts a little.

It just seems that everyday is a roller coaster ride for me. I'm up and I'm down. I cry then I'm over it and move on. I'm exaggerating a little bit. Not every day is like this but enough to make a difference. According to my boss there's a "baby explosion" happening in this country. And she feels the need to tell me weekly about all her pregnant friends and family, including the one who is pregnant with twins and is naming them Juan Pablo and Pablo Juan (no lie). Every week. "Everyone is just getting pregnant!" Well no, not everyone. I haven't told her what's going on with us because I don't want her to know our business and I don't need the questions that follow. And just think if I had told her a year ago when we started TTC, there would be questions, and feeling sorry for me. And would it make her think twice about opening up her mouth about all the preggos of the world? Probably not.

It's not just her friends that are pregnant either. It's everywhere. It's on many many blogs that I read too which makes me want to shut the laptop and never open it back up. But then I remember that you all are my support system and that would be like turning my back on you and that's not fair. At the same time, it hurts to read some of your blogs. I can't relate at this moment to your parenting problems, or your crying babies and sleepless nights. I can't relate to your growing bellies and that renewed excitement. I can't relate to your nausea so please excuse me if I don't read or comment on your blogs as much. I try, I really do. I subscribe to 130 blogs and I try and read all of them when updated, but sometimes I open up my reader and I'm stuck at the first paragraph unable to read any further. It's paralyzing for me. But know I'm still here.

That's all for now. I just felt like I needed to explain myself a little better. There have been other things but mostly the feeling of being lapped again. I feel like I'm in a different category all together. I just want others who can relate and tell me I'm not alone. I want others who struggle just the same and while I know they're out there it doesn't make me feel any better. As Rachel said, there isn't anything you can do to change my situation or make me feel better. I don't expect you to, because I don't even know how to help myself.

It just seems that my life is one big waiting game while the rest of the world moves on and lives their life. I want to move on and live my life too and I'm not sure how to do that.

Presence

I realize it's been a couple weeks since I last posted but it's not like anyone reads this anymore anyway, well except for maybe two of you. Thank you Kristi and Nanny for checking in one me. I've had a lot going through my mind the past week or so but the thoughts have been my own. I felt fine keeping them to myself ...sort of.

I have emailed a couple friends and I confided in another friend in person. At this point I don't really want or need to talk about what's going on but I felt I owed you (or the vast universe) an update. So here I am. Hello. how are you?

I find myself really thinking about the boys lately. I've always associated the signs of Fall- pumpkins, Autumn leaves and Halloween with Jack. I've never understood why I connected the two because Jack was born in February. But I think the connection is rather obvious now that I think of it.

We found out we were pregnant with Jack right after Halloween 2006. Right after this picture was taken :-) His name is part of Jack-o-lanterns and every time I see one or hear someone say the word, I think of my boy.

In fact when we went to pick out our pumpkins last week and I was so excited to be there. Pumpkins in all their orange globe glory make me smile. When we walked into the pumpkin patch there was a woman taking a picture of her two boys on the hay stacks with the mini pumpkins. that was a little rough, but I turned a blind eye and walked to the other side to find my perfect pumpkins. Then I heard that same woman call for her son "Jack" to come sit with his brother to take a picture. That was a stab in the heart and a few tears were shed in the middle of the pumpkin patch.

Then of course there's always the blog that you click on only to find out she's pregnant with a boy named Sam who's due at any moment now.

I have a hard time deciphering between the presence of my sons and the world just being a cruel place.

While The Feelings Are Still Fresh

I've had tender breasts for 2 weeks.
I thought this months could be it. Where have you heard that before?
I didn't want to say it outloud for risk of jinxing myself or being disappointed and looking/feeling like an asshole later on.
I sat and fed Baby M today and admired his sweet face.
I wondered if I would be feeding my own 10 month old in a year and a half.
I was waiting for a few more days to test.
I was dreaming about what a nice quiet and private weekend Mr. H and I would have together to relish in our news.
News that I made up in my head.
I was thinking about quitting my job, and what a perfect time it would be since I have off the entire month of December anyway.
I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing the "bad" underwear.
The same pair of underwear I have worn and gotten a visit from Aunt Flo for the last 4 months.
I vowed to myself to throw them away once I got home.
I went to the bathroom before I left work and...well you know.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like an idiot.
Why can't I do this?!
What am I doing wrong?!
Did I mention that this is our 12 month of trying?
I'm afraid of the secondary infertility title.
I don't want the extra burden or expense.
Why is this so difficult?
I feel worthless. Utterly worthless.

Please don't tell me you're sorry.

Family

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that a friend of mine took our family photos. Well I got them today and I absolutely love them. Like big puffy heart love them!

Lori, you are so incredibly talented. Thank you so much!

If you live in central Texas and need family photos I highly recommend you contact Lori asap!

A Broken Heart

Please take a moment to visit Ms. G. She needs our support right now, more than ever.

Thinking of a friend on her birthday...(Updated)

Update: Well I'm a dope and got my dates mixed up. Kristi and Sara's birthday is tomorrow. Kristi, that just means you get double the love!

And a special happy 2nd birthday to Andy!

Kristi, you and Sara are on my mind and in my heart today.

Miss you,
Monica

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P.S. Did anyone else catch C.SI: New Y.ork last night? In the beginning when the guys car broke down in a bad part of town, he calls for help and tells him he's by Jack & Sam's Storage.

That made me smile :-)