Back and Forth

I think I go through different stages in my grief. As we all do. In this case I'm referring to finding out about someone's new pregnancy or baby. Believe me I'm thrilled for you (whoever you are) but it's like a punch in the gut for me.

At first it used to be really hard and I would cry over their great news. Then I got to the point where I could handle it and was hopeful for them and their news made me smile and I processed it well. I'm back to the point where hearing or reading about such news causes me much anxiety. I'm mean like serious, butterflies in my tummy, raised blood pressure and on the verge on a panic attack anxiety.

If I fail to congratulate you or comment on your blog or slap a smile on my face I'm truly sorry. I AM happy for you. I am. I wish you all the best. But just thinking about it makes my stomach churn (as it is right now!). Things will change again in the future but as of right now I just can't deal with it. Forgive me.

Focus

"Focus more on your desire than on your doubt, and the dream will take care of itself. You may be surprised at how easily this happens. Your doubts are not as powerful as your desires, unless you make them so." — Marcia Weider

I wrote down this quote several months ago, though I don't know where it came from or why exactly I felt it spoke to me.

Or maybe I did.

Moms Day Out

I debated with myself about writing this post. I always fear that when I talk about someone they're going to find out and it will end up biting me in the ass. However I'm not talking about this person in a bad way, just as I see it. That just so happens to not be so good :-)

Mr. H's cousin invited me to lunch today. She has a 3 1/2 year old that was born just days before Sam. I love her I really do. And while we have a few things in common and we get along well, we just aren't that much alike. For instance she is 12 years older than me and is a mother to 3 living children. That is who and what she is-- a mother.

She brought her child along with us to lunch and I knew this so it wasn't a surprise to me but it was so hard to not look at him and wonder about my Sam. They would be the same age, had he lived. Would they be friends? Would his mom and I be closer? Would we have play dates? Just the thought of that is sickening. I just don't know. But today made me realize what I am not. Or rather what I do not have.

We live fairly close to one another so she picked me up and we went to the mall since she and I both had a couple things to return. After that, we went to Gy.mbor.ee, Chi.ldrens P.lace, The Di.sney St.ore, we waited so her wee one could get on a carousel in the middle of the mall, we browsed the windows of Bu.ild A Be.ar and we had lunch in the food court. After that we went to a larger department store so I could look for something to wear for the funeral. When we left we picked up her kiddos from school.

Now I don't want to say that she was being selfish in wanting to go to these places because that is her life and those are her interests. Those are the places she needs to go...but I have no business in there whatsoever! In fact most of the time I was watching the stroller or making sure her child didn't run out of the store while she was shopping. At one point she handed me her Starbucks and asked me to hold on to it so she she could finish looking. It was my day off yet I was still running after a 3 year old. This bothered me. A lot.

Not to defend her or her actions but maybe this is what she and her friends do together???

Of course I said nothing. What could I say? I don't fault her for being a mother. I don't fault her for not knowing what it's like to be a childless mother. And while she did try to make small talk about us TTC, she just doesn't get it. We live in separate worlds and yet just a couple miles in between.

Guess What?

Chicken butt. ha!

Just kidding. On the first day of the year while Mr. H and I were out in our front lawn trying to snap pictures of the fireworks our redneck neighbors were lighting off, in the freezing cold!, I mentioned to him that I would love one day to go to Washington DC on the 4th of July to see the fireworks. I lived there as a kid and I've seen them and they truly are amazing. I wish he could see them and I wish I could see them again. I know I'd appreciate so much more.

Well last week Mr. H asked if I'd like to go to DC. Uh, yeah! Except we're not going in July and we're not going alone. My MIL's cousin passed away and he was a Vietnam Vet and is been buried at Arlington Cemetery. I didn't know him but I heard he volunteered for 2 tours in Vietnam and that is truly something to be proud of. I think it's an honor to be buried there and we feel honored to have been included.

When I lived there, we literally lived right across from the cemetery. Like we could walk outside the building and cross the street and we were there! How cool is that? But I've never been to a military funeral despite being so close. And even though I've been to the White House and The Smithsonian, I don't remember any of it. I lived there 20 years ago!

So we're really looking forward to heading out of here and getting away for a few days. We'll be leaving in a couple weeks and so far the airfare and hotel are booked. We've bought warmer coats and long underwear because I'm quite certain I'm going to freeze. I don't do cold weather.

Anyway, if any of you have any recommendations on what to do other than the usual attractions or great places to eat, please let me know! We'll be there for 5 days. woo hoo!

Turn Your Head to The Right And Scroll Down

This was the view from Mesa Verde National Park in Colorado- June 2008.

Calendar Issues

Went back to work yesterday after being off for 5 weeks. I was kind of dreading it to be honest (big surprise!) but the kids were actually well behaved and dare I say it, a delight to be around. Maybe it's just because I missed them :-)

I've thought a lot about what I want to do concerning TTC. On the 23rd, I called in a Rx for birth control but I can't make myself go pick it up. I don't usually pick them up (mr. h does) but I can't seem to ask him to go get it either. I called it in when I was still on my period and thought I would take it as soon as it was over since that's when I'd need to start it but then it felt wrong to start taking BC during the holidays so I held off. Maybe next month, but I really don't know.

After the one year mark of TTC hit, I told myself that I wasn't going to go to the doctor and that I would be okay TTC on our own without medical help until the end of February. That gave us 4 more months. Well now we're down to 2 months and February doesn't seem so far off. I'm feeling a little pressured by the calendar.

For 7 months I was charting my saliva and checking for "ferns". I continued to do this and didn't see any real patterns for ovulation. According to Ovulite, there are 3 phrases of ferning. #1 is no ferns and not fertile, #2 is some ferns and somewhat fertile and #3 is lots of ferns and fertile/ovulating. In theory, around ovulation is when you would see lots of ferning. And again in theory, ovulation would occur mid month around the 15th day. Well I collected my drops of saliva first thing in the morning before eating or drinking and I would receive peak readings (#3- fertile) right after my period and it would stay that way several days in a row. I marked the days with a number 1, 2, or 3 and I had a lot of 3's all over the place but no real pattern. When I went to the doctor I told her about this and she said I was either doing it incorrectly (you spit on a slide and view it after it's dry under a microscope- what's there to mess up?) or I wasn't ovulating. I'm going with the second.

She suggested I buy a Fertility monitor (the one with pee sticks) and use it daily. I told her I used a friend's monitor and she suggested we get our own. The thing is I can't afford the monitor or the sticks! And talk about pressure. That was worse for me, which is why I started using the Ovulite in the first place. I just can't do it. I stopped charting a few weeks ago and it's been liberating. I rarely ever think about doing it, which has been nice. And I think Mr. h feels less pressured about trying to perform and making a baby. That in itself has been an issue. I minor one, but an issue in itself. This whole thing is just stressful.

We still haven't scheduled the appointment for the sem.em an.alysis. I know in my heart the problem doesn't lie in him. It made me feel better at the time thinking that I could have been the "normal" one but I know I'm not. One day at a time. One day at a time.

We did manage to get to the cemetery to see the boys. We made it out there the day after Chrsitmas. It was a beautiful day. We cleaned their headstones, wished them a Merry Christmas and gave them a kiss. Then we went to say hello a couple of their friends- Logan, Evan and Tyler. Below is the newest addition to Mr. H's villages. I love it.

I was originally thinking that I would get on BC in December take it for 2 months and get off it just in time for our anniversary. I was hoping we could make an anniversary baby but that plan is obviously out since the BC is still at the pharmacy. I may go get it and just keep it for when I feel ready to take it and then again maybe not. Maybe I won't need it.

And I know you are trying to be positive and encouraging when you say "this is [my] year" but that's hard to read because I was told that and I started to believe it LAST year. I just feel more pressure. Not your fault in the least and I thank you for being there for me. I just wish time and cycles weren't an issue. Damn the calendar.

mr. h just asked me if I was "still hopeful". I want to be and somedays I am.

Happy New Year!

I wish you all a 2010 filled with more of the things you love and desire and lots less heartache and sorrow.