Sunday, October 21, 2007

My name is Monica...

...and I judge people. (all the voices say, "Welcome Monica")

Mr. H and I went to the mall today. I haven't been to the mall in several months, maybe even a year. Anyway, we went because he needed to buy a new pair of dress pants for the anniversary ceremony next month and to get a couple pair of pants hemmed. The alteration place that I really like closed but we were able to get some black slacks.

Between walking from the now-closed alteration shop and the department store, I walked past three young girls, one of which was about 6 months pregnant. It was obvious she is still a teenager, maybe 15 or 16 years old. She certainly looked like it with the exception of her growing belly. I took a few steps before I made a comment (did you think I would let that one go?) I looked at Mr. H and said "Now why is it the ones who want and deserve a child, don't get one, but girls like her who can't take care of one get one?" He was very quick to put me in my place and I didn't like it. He said "Don't judge her, you don't know her story." That really pissed me off, because I wanted him to agree with me and he didn't. But he's right. Who am I to judge her for being in the position she is in? At least she didn't have an abortion, right? I don't know her story and I don't really care to, but it makes me wonder. I have read and have been told that after losing a baby, you shouldn't judge expecting mother's or be jealous of them, because you don't know their story. You don't know what they've had to go through to get where they are. I agree with this statement. I tell myself this often, but today it totally slipped my mind. All I could do was judge her and I didn't even have to think about doing it. It just came out.

Is this what losing a baby (or two) has done to me? Am I now a jealous mean" judger" of people I don't even know? I don't want to be this person.


Monica said...

I wish I could help you on this one, but I taking being judgmental to new heights. And not to brag, but I'm damn good at it. I think that it is just a part of the grieving process. The grief you have over Sam and Jack will take many forms, sadness, hopelessness, anger, and jealousy. I don't think you should be upset with yourself or hate yourself for these feelings. They are only natural. But you can try to work on it, but don't beat yourself up about it because then you will only feel worse. It has gotten somewhat better with Andy, but I'm still jealous of other women who didn't have to bury a child.

meg said...

I am so jealous of anyone who can have a baby (a live baby). And I do find myself judging girls who are pregnant (like what you describe here). I know it's wrong, but I do the very same thing.

And I soooo do not want to be that person, the "jealous, mean judger of people" that you write of. But right now, I am.

Kristi said...

I'm a judger too!!
The other day we went to the store. Sitting out front was a young girl (17-18?), she appeared pregnant to me, she was slouching, the rest of her frame was thin, just had a belly. But she was smoking! I get so angry at women for smoking while pregnant.

I did everything right throughout my pregnancy - no smoking, no drinking, ate well, took my vitamins, exercised, etc...and I lost my baby. WHY??

Monica H said...

Oh Kristi,

Thanks for reminding me of pregnant smokers. When Sam and I went to see you in the hospital, as we walked out there was a woman (huge woman) walking out in the parking lot wearing a hospital gown. I felt badly because I realized we had parked in the "expectant mothers" parking and this woman was walking further than we parked. Then as we got closer to our car I smelled cigarette smoke. I jokingly said to Sam that she was on her cigarette break, only I did not see one in her hand. As we pulled out of the parking lot, she started puffing away. UUUGGGHHH! Are you sure it's not okay to judge? No, I don't know her story but she could be killing her child. Bitch!