Thursday, October 4, 2007

A Better Life.

Do you ever wish you could leave you life behind and start over? Or move far away and become someone else? Have different responsibilities, or better yet, no responsibilities? I just want a redo. I want a real life get out of jail card. "Jail" being my current state. I don't really have it that bad. I know there are starving children and homeless people all across the world and I'm not comparing my state of misery to theirs. I just wish that I could do things over- better.

Some people say that they don't have any regrets, because everything happens for a reason. I agree with this to a point. I do believe everything happens for a reason, but I still have regrets. I regret not being able to save my children that my body destroyed. I'm glad they are a part of my life, but part of me wishes that I had never gotten pregnant with them. I don't say this because I'm selfish but because I feel like they deserved better and I let them down. I know I would have been a great mother to them. I would have tried my best, anyway. But I feel that if they were born to someone else, they could have had a life. A better life.

I know I didn't ask for this to happen. No one does. I don't blame myself (entirely) for our children dying and neither does my husband. But if he were married to someone else, he too, could have had a better life. He didn't ask to be married to a nut case who couldn't reproduce. Why does he have to suffer? He of course would say that he is not suffering and that he loves me, but he didn't/doesn't deserve this. I know it's "for better or worse...", but why was he dealt the worst. This is the worst. Why is this our life?

I often wonder: "If this wasn't my life, where would I be? What would I do with all my time that I am currently spending grieving? Would I be happy being someone else? Doing something else? Living a different life?

I am grateful for my life and ALL that I have. I thank God everyday for my MANY blessings. I TRY not to take people and things for granted. I just wish sometimes that some things were different- better.


meg said...

I so want a start over!

I could have written this, I really could have. I'm so sorry for your losses too. This is really, really hard to live with. And I find myself asking, why is this my life too?

mkv said...

I agree. Thinking of you...oh, and yes, Dr. B. is the same one you are talking about! ;)

Monica said...

I can understand why you feel this way. You do deserve a "do-over" on somethings. I know how much you miss Sam and Jack. But I can't help think how lucky they were to have you as their mother for their brief time in our realm. I don't know anyone else who would love them and cherish them as much as you do. Nothing I can say (or a medical professional either) can take away that feeling of failure and guilt. But remember, you did everything you could and more than ANYONE else would or could have done. You did not deserve this. This should have happened to someone else. I'm so sorry it happened to you.

Kristi said...

I totally get where you're coming from. This wasn't "the worst" that DH & I ever imagined when we took our wedding vows - maybe tight months financially, repeated car troubles, but having Sara die? That never crossed our minds.

I'm sorry any of us have those thoughts. ((HUGS!!))

Monica H said...

"This should have happened to someone else" I wish this never happened to anyone. I would never with this state of sorrow and pain on anyone. I know you didn't mean it like that, but it sickens me to know that there are parents all over the world feeling like this, only some of them worse. I wish I could take away their pain and send mine far, far away while I was at it.

When I spoke my vows to my husband, I never thought that "in sickness and health, for better or worse" meant that my body would kill and deliver 2 babies that we would later have to bury. It's not fair, but I'm in it for the long haul. I have to be strong. If someone told me that this was going to be my life, I still would have taken the leap. I am a better person because of it, I'm just in a rut, a deep rut that I'm trying to find my way out of.

The Nanny said...

Thinking of you & hoping you have a better day today...