Sunday, July 13, 2008

Bleeding Heart

I'm not sure what to do with this blog anymore. I don't feel like I'm writing for me anymore. I don't feel like I can say what I want or need to. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be felt sorry for. I don't want to upset anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to worry anyone with my feelings or thoughts. But I feel like I'm censoring myself.

I don't feel like my words are enough. They're not entertaining enough. They're not sad enough. They're not happy enough. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I'm not pregnant. I'm not close to becoming pregnant. I don't have a baby to dote on. I don't feel like I belong anymore.

I feel everyone around me is moving on. And I am standing still.

I am standing still.


The Nanny said...

I understand about the blog thing. I censor myself 99% of the time and though I've been wanting to write so, so much lately...I haven't, for fear of being judged or thought weird.

I could tell you that you can write whatever you want to and we'll always read, we won't judge you, etc., but I know that doesn't make it any easier. (But it is true.)

I'll still read no matter what you write, that's a promise. You've become such a good, supportive bloggy friend to me that I hope to be the same to you. In the meantime, just as you've sent me kind, comforting thoughts, I send you the same.

mrsmuelly said...

I censor too. I am totally there with you about "not happy enough" or "not sad enough". I feel like I can't write my true feelings most of the time just because I can't get them out of my head. It all just swirls and swirls. I think about things and how to write them down...to express them. Then, when I sit to write my blog, it's like my mind goes blank or the thoughts just get swept under the rug. Of course, the next morning it all comes swirling back.

As a friend, I must tell you to do what you need to do. As a deadbaby mama, I want to tell you to stick around because I "enjoy/appreciate" the company.

I'm so sorry that you feel like you are standing still. I sometimes feel that way, but I will be on the journey to another baby soon. It is all just truly not fair...to any of us.
I'm just sorry. I don't want you to feel this way.

mkv said...

Censoring is what keeps me from posting anything other than surface level topics as I am doing right now on my blog. It's just not worth it to me, to be judged, like you said. I've often thought of starting another blog, completely anonymous, where I can cuss, scream, and really let it all loose. But, alas, I'm lazy so it will just stay swirling around in my head. As for your blog, I hope you continue it and the recipe one too! xoxo

theviewfromthisplace said...

You know Monica, sometimes i feel the same way too. about the blogging. but you know blogging to me is a very personal thing at the very end. for example when i become preggo again, i don't wish to censor it. this is MY blog, you know? this is all i have to be me, and if i censor myself, it's not fair to me.
you may have a few options:
develop a private blog
or just censor some of the content, make some of your posts private on here - i do that.
i know how you feel about everyone moving on. i was pregnant twice - with others i knew pregnant as well. now their babies are making it into this world, and i feel like life always has a reason as to why i can't and it sucks. but my dear as long as you are movning forward with your plans, you are going somewhere! as tempting as it is, don't live your life hoping to be on someone else's schedule. you had the joy of being pregnant twice with your Sam and Jack. Your body CAN do it, and now you are armed with more information for the future. Finally surround yourself with reminders (blogs, books, support groups...etc) that other women, some with even more losses, do go on to have their babies. unfortunately this is our fight - our babies. everyone has a cross to bear, and i think we know ours. just know that it takes a lot for me to be weirded out, in all honesty i am a very morbid individual, as my husband says. seriously, i don't think you could ever write something that would have me thinking...but whatever. i'm sorry you are in this state of mind. i really wish i could just reach out and hug you.

Monica said...

Ditto exactly what J. said.

Wherever you decide to go, I'll follow you. I'll be one step behind, there if you need me to catch you.

Your time is coming Monica, I just know it. You'll do whatever it takes to get there and I will help you. I've told you before, if we have to go the baby stealin' route, I'm driving the getaway car.


Lori said...

Ditto ditto what J and Monica said....although I'm not sure about driving a getaway car (unless Sam gets his Mustang working).
I know we talked about this at lunch, and I feel the same way, too. Thing I will start a private blog so I can just rant and rave and not worry about anyone getting their feelings hurt.

Kristi said...

I also agree with J.
I know we're at different points on this path, but I'm also here for you!

Rachel said...

I am sorry you feel that way, I have always enjoyed reading your blog.

If you do decide to quit writing, I hope you will still stay in touch!

Devon Rene said...

I think that's the hardest part. Everyone else's life goes on and ours stands still. Freaking still.

I find I censor myself often. I hate the pity parties and the "tip-toeing" around..I hate it all.

Hugs to you. Just wanted you to know you weren't alone.

christyna said...

fortunately my blog is completely anonomous BUT even if it wasn't I wouldn't watch what I say anyway. I have no filter in real life I refuse to have one here. Love me or leave me is how I live my life. I stopped caring a long time ago about people's easily hurt feelings and what makes other people happy, especially when its the people who make me miserable. At some point in your life you need to take your happiness in your hands and fuck everyone else and fuck their happiness or feelings. I am so sick of others blaming, accusing, judging, and assuming we have something to do with their happiness. get over it people.

You are at a cross roads Monica. Only you can decide where to go from here. i too hope you stay or start an anonomous blog BUT support you in anything and everything you do and always will.

You may feel like you are standing still, but i doubt it very much. Think about what time of year it is and what that does to you. and go back and read your oldest blogs and see if you've stood still, if you're standing still. I prefer to think of all of us as 1 step forward 2 steps back. 2 steps forward 1 step back. always moving, but never quite always forward.

I hope you find clarity and peace and I hope to be in touch with you for a long long time no matter what you decide. You are not alone, standing still or not, you're never alone :)

Becky said...

I completely understand what you are saying. We've talked about this...I feel the same way. Even in deadbabymama land, I have to censor myself because if people really knew how I felt they would think I was some sort of freak.

Whatever you do decide, though, I'll keep reading. Always. I love your pictures and your words. You understand me like very few do in so many ways.