"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Trying

Thank you to each and every one of you who commented on my last post. Thank you for supporting me through all this yuckiness, that is currently my life.

I'm not going to stop blogging. That was never my intention. From this moment on, I'm going to *try* to write from the heart, unapologetically. I just feel/felt that my initial "support system" of fellow bloggers is gone and I need you guys. People IRL don't get it! Sometimes I feel you're the only ones I can turn to because you do. This blog has saved me (and Mr. H) from my own self. I'd be lying if I said I only wrote for myself. I write for you guys too. I write because I feel better after releasing those emotions that get all bottled up. I write/read/comment to support y'all through whatever it is you're going through. I try anyway.

It's kind of crazy, but I feel that even in blogland, I don't have a place. Some would say it was just my insecurities, but my opinion is valid. Have you ever noticed that when someone has a loss, everyone is there to comfort them and offer kinds words? Or when someone gets pregnant, everyone is thrilled and offers words of encouragement? When they have a baby, people come out of the wood work to ogle and say how cute your baby is and tell you what a wonderful mother you are? But when you're in the in-between stages, it's almost as if you don't have an identity. And people get tired of supporting a "whiny-woe-is-me-grieving-deadbaby-mama". I know you will NEVER admit it, but I know you're thinking I should move on. I almost deleted that last line, but I'm trying my best to say how I feel, without holding back.

J said that as long as I was making plans towards becoming a momma, that I was progressing. But there are no plans being made. There is no talk even of TTC. Mr. H gets frustrated with me when I bring it up. So I *try* not to because I don't want to upset him. I don't want him frustrated with me and vise versa. He knows how badly I want a baby, though he doesn't understand it. He may never understand. I will go several days when I don't even mention TTC, or babies and I know he's thinking he's off the hook. I know he's hoping I somehow forgot about my desires to have a baby. I bet he sighs a big sigh of relief when I don't "bring it up".

And this is another reason why I don't say what I want. Because I don't want y'all to think my husband is an asshole. He's not. He's the only person I'd ever want to be my husband and I love him with all my heart. But sometimes he pisses me off and that's when I need to blog. I need to blog about him when I'm frustrated, but I don't want anyone to judge him either. I know some people judge people by their actions or their words even if it's second hand knowledge and they don't even know the person. Hell, I do that. But I don't want anyone to think he's being insensitive or selfish. I know why he is the way he is. He was raised that way and he too has lost two babies. I am not alone in my grief or my desires/needs. He feels them too, just at different times and in different ways. Please keep that in mind and be kind.

* * * * * * * * * *
Today is the 15th. That means I have exactly one month before Sam's 2nd birthday and it's stressing me out. I want to do something special for him- to honor him. But everything I think of is not good enough for him. I know whatever I decide to do is really for me and Mr. H because he'll never be here to see or enjoy it, but still I feel the need to do something. To show the world how much I love and miss my son.

**Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions to honor Sam on his birthday? I'm running out of ideas (all thoughts and ideas are welcome even if you have never had a baby or a loss). What did you do for your baby on their birthday/anniversary? Please, I need help!**

12 comments:

Rachel said...

I am glad you are going to keep writing.

I am sorry you are in limbo. I understand why Mr. H is hesitant about TTC, he is worried about you. I already know that you know all the options about having a child. Maybe you need couples counseling or something, the desire to have a child isn't going to go away over time. It may help Mr. H understand better how important this is to you, and help you understand his reluctance.

Never apologize for what you write, this is your blog, if people don't like it, they don't have to read it.

As far as ideas, you have done a great job honoring your sons so far. The Z family, tied balloons on a tree that they bought to honor their daughter. http://zoromski.blogspot.com/2008/05/lydias-balloons.html I think that is a great idea.

theviewfromthisplace said...

Oh Monica,

Thanks for your honesty and candor. if there was a no-bullshit award for blogging i'd fucking give it to you in a heartbeat. even though you are not actively ttc, it's still a time of major decision. this is your 'before' stage. whatever future plans you two will make as a team (no other way), will be influenced by the 'now'.
you really do love your husband, don't you? even in your differences of opnions. and thanks for reminding me that our husbands/partners really do *hurt* as well. sorry for generalizing too much as to where you two were at. no matter what, there is progress, just time moving forward is progress. i can only comment on myself so i will say that the pain i feel today is not the same i felt after losing Emi or Daniella. i never thought i would live through another day; another breath. it was all too too painful. and somehow i have. somehow i had the courage to try again. and i choose to try again (crazy right!). i feel stronger and really do feel that you are stronger too, even now. my dh and i had major issues. he was adamant about trying again after our second loss. i wanted to talk about adoption - just talk - and he almost flipped his lid. he feels like we have every chance to have a baby and does not want to consider adoption. i felt like killing him, but i love him. he suffered, suffers now and loved those girls every bit as much as i do. his feelings need to be honored and so the sentiments of your dh. he's probably scared to death of another loss, i don't blame him, aren't we all?
in terms of honoring your son, you honor him every single day. every sentiment and raw painful emotion is born out love for both Sam and Jack. i did not know what to do. i lit a candle and bought flowers for Emi. i prayed a lot for her, but at the time the pain was not the same; there was no desperation, as i was pregnant with Daniella. When Daniella's due date rolls around in September - may God help me b/c i don't know what i will do!
hugs,
and i'm so glad your sticking around.

Kristi said...

I get frustrated for you because of the situation, you can't really compromise on this. And it's not like you want a new pet or a new car. You & Mr. H. both have valid fears & wants.

I'll add more later...

Kristi said...

Some ideas for honoring Sam: lighting a candle ( I know I will), special order ribbon with a message, like "Remembering Sam", wear a loop of it, give a few inches of ribbon to family & friends to wear also; custom order a postcard with a picture that reminds you of Sam, write a message & mail it out to family & friends. (email me, I'll suggest a printing co.), bake one of your yummy cakes for Sam's nurse, release butterflies.

You'll find a way to honor him.

tyfamilyadventures said...

Always here for you know matter what..The blog is a much needed outlet and don't feel sorry for anything you write..

mkv said...

Glad you're going to continue writing. I check your blog several times a day, but don't comment as often because I never feel like I have anything to contribute other than what other people have already written. I think you have the most creative ideas and have always admired the way you celebrate special days. I know you'll come up with something that is just perfect. xoxo

Kristi said...

Another suggestion - I read it somewhere - ask family & friends to do an act of kindness in Sam's memory & tell you about it later, so you know the effect Sam's life has made. It could be a donation to a charity, donating blood, just having more patience & being a more considerate driver.

Beth said...

You could go and do all the fun things you would do with him on his 2nd birthday. Take pictures of it (because you are super good at it!) and scrapbook (or post) your photos.

I can't say I know exactly how you feel but not a day goes by that I don't think about my 3 angels. I just passed (July 1) my last due date and it was tremendously hard for me. I can only imagine what you must be anticipating for sweet Sam's impending birthday.

I think the best way to honor and remember someone is to do it with a celebratory heart. Yes it will be hard but you will know that you did it out of love and ONE DAY you will show your children all that you did out of the love you have for them.

I hope this helps....if only just a little even.

JGirl2005 said...

Please keep blogging.
I know it helps you, but it helps others too.
We all get upset with our DHs. No one is perfect. My DH isn't perfect and I could use my blog every day to bitch about him.
But we love our DHs don't we.
Thanks for saying Hi to Ty today for me. ;)

Monica said...

Monica.. let's go down to the Ronald McDonald House and drop some stuff off. You and I can send out letters and such to friends about what they need and then we can pick it up and drop it off. Next, we can volunteer somewhere in the double R in the name of Sam. Whatever you decide to do will be perfect because it is you.

Sam... well I can't say anything about Sam. I think he'll come round soon. He's getting there, just at the pace that glaciers move. But he's a good guy and he'll do the right thing by you. Honestly, I think he's doing this to have some control right now because he knows that when you do get pregnant he'll have NO control. Oh.. and just drop me a line if you want me to do what we talked about in group. HAHAAH Father Amy was hilarious wasn't she?

mrsmuelly said...

It's weird b/c you seem to write about things that I'm thinking in my head. Have I said that before? It is almost eerie to me.

Anyway, I am totally there with you on the thoughts of everyone flocks to blogs of births, infants, pregnancies, or losses...but to those in between, we are stuck. (I wrote that post today) It may be hard for others to listen (or read) our "stuck" point of view...but I understand.

As to DH, they have seen us hurting. They want to protect us because that is their job. Sometimes you can just "wring their necks" but you still love them.

I have been thinking a lot of the bday stuff as Cooper's 1st is coming up on the 30th. Other than the balloons and cupcakes, I thought that DH and I would go by 1yr old gifts for him. We will then donate these to a nursery school in his name. This is something I plan to do each year (buying gifts for the age he would be). I know you will find something wonderful to do for Sam.

christyna said...

I won't lie sweety. sometimes I just don't know what to say. Yeah loss is loss but your losses compared to mine are so much bigger and cut so much deeper. and don't you try to tell me otherwise, I am ok with that. I didn't know what my baby was, i didn't hold it, didn't see it and didn't name it. So when you are in limbo and feeling bad I sometimes say nothing (even though I'm thinking of you and hurting for you/with you) and I should at least say that I suppose.

Your husband is wonderful, and even when you are pissed at him you can hear. feel and see the love you have anyone who seesor says otherwise is just interjecting their own feelings that have nothing to do with you guys.

as far as next month, I honestly have no idea. You did an amazing job with both boys last time. I did tell you that we will be honoring him here, my son and I. something simple, a gesture and you know why. I think you need to simplify your "ideal plan" don't make it about being good enough, or about the world remembering and don't think that he doesn't see, and know what you do. Be his mother, love him and let that love be shown in any form you feel is appropriate. you will feel it in your hearts when its the right plan. perhaps a fire at dusk, trumpet playing. place some notes or a letter or two in the fire from you guys and let the ashes of those notes float on the breeze up to heaven. Your boys know you honor them everyday. They love you for it I am sure of that.

much LOVE and huge HUGS.