Time

Mr. H's maternal grandmother passed away yesterday, rather quickly and unexpectedly.

She had difficulty catching her breath on Tuesday and we thought that was a direct result of not doing her nebulizer 5 times daily and not getting any exercise. It could have been those things and maybe not. The EMS was called to check her vital and was declared, in good health.

The following day (Wednesday) they admitted her to the hospital for a follow-up because she still could get a deep breath. She was later diagnosed with a p.ulmonary e.mbolism, which is a blood clot in her lungs. I don't know if she knew she was going to die, or if she could even comprehend what was going on. She was on oxygen, M.orphine and A.tivan.

My MIL called me yesterday (Sunday) to tell me she didn't have much longer because the clot had moved and 15 minutes later she passed. It just happened so unexpectedly and we're still kind of shock.

Since the funeral home is backed up with customers (crazy!) my MIL can't meet with the director until tomorrow. The funeral will be sometime this week, but no earlier than Thursday. We'll be travelling 4 hours to get there. I should know more tomorrow afternoon, hopefully.

Though, I wasn't close to her, please keep Mr. H and his family in your thoughts.

She was with us for 88 years and will be missed.

Pear Blossoms

I'm a week late, but so what. Happy Spring!

I couldn't decide which one I like better. Which one do you like and why?

Storms

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass.....it's about learning how to dance in the rain" Author Unknown

Thank you for all your comments on my last post. I needed and appreciated them.

On Sunday, what I thought was my period, seemed to dissipate. It was almost watered down and pink, then brown and then nothing! And then I thought "I can handle this." and then Monday it came full force. So, needless to say, I've had many ups and downs in the last few days.

The thing is, I don't know if I was pregnant. I hoped I was. I somewhat believed I was and I became even more convinced with each passing day. But I was too chicken shit to pee on the stick. I honestly hoped that I would be pregnant and I could ignore it for a few weeks. In my mind that was easier to bear, than actually knowing.

If I tested and it was positive, then I got my period, I'd be devastated. So, in a way, I felt like I was doing myself a favor. If I didn't "know" then I didn't have a reason to be upset. But now it's too late and every time I go to the bathroom I investigate the contents on my tissue and my mind goes there. I should have tested but I didn't and I couldn't.

We'll see what happens next month.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Last May, we had some scary weather, that involved lots of wind, a tornado warning and lots of hail banging on our kitchen windows.

Today, we had a similar occurrence. Only it was daylight, and not as windy, so I went outside to take pictures ;-)



Can you tell where Autumn likes to pee?


This reminded me of a snowball fight. Packing up your snowballs and piling them high, ready to take aim against the bullies in the neighborhood, or in my case, my older brother :-)


And this is our front flower beds. They look like they're covered in packing peanuts!


How's that for a hail storm? Gotta love Texas weather...

If Only You Believe

My period is 3 weeks late. I've been a nervous wreck for 3 long weeks. Every day without a visit from AF is a blessing. I've told one person and she immediately got excited. Something I wanted to feel but have been too afraid to do.

I've been worrying myself, exciting myself, stressing myself, wondering 'what if" for 3 weeks. And today I finally broke the silence in a very inconspicuous sort of way (I pointed to the calendar) and told Mr. h I was late.

I let myself feel and believe in...you know.

Then today I got my period. That's what happens when you believe out loud.

Man In Black

This is my FIL and today is his 68th birthday! These pictures were taken at a military funeral at the H family cemetery last year. In Texas it is customary for all the men to wear cowboy hats and boots at funerals, no matter the weather or who passed away. It's just an unwritten rule.

Happy Birthday B!

Sierra

Rachel asked in the last post who this black doggie is. This "little" girl is Sierra. She is Mr. H's dog... or was his dog. This is my in-laws dog.

Everyone meet Sierra.

She is named Sierra because when she was a puppy she travelled through the Sierra-Nevada Mountains before she got to Texas. She was previously owned by a fireman whose dad was Mr. H's math tutor. He couldn't keep her at the fire house where he was living so his dad (the tutor) brought her back to Texas and Mr. H and his parents adopted her.

Sierra is a 14 year old Rottweiler/Labrador mix. She's an oldie but a goodie. She's got a tough exterior but she's a softy at heart. She a protector and an alpha dog. Emphasis on the Alpha. And she LOVES LOVES LOVES to chase squirrels. So much so that she tore a ligament in her leg and have to have surgery :-(

I took these pictures a couple years ago for our Christmas photo. They pose so well when I hold treats right above the camera :-)



She is also Autumn's best friend. Notice I said Autumn's best friend, not Autumn is Sierra's best friend. Autumn drives Sierra nuts because she's always trying to give her kisses and Sierra is just too cool for that. And also because Autumn is so hyper and these days Sierra just wants to chill. Who could blame her, she's only 98 in people years! When Sierra comes over, like she did this weekend, Autumn gets so excited. But when she leaves, Autumn is down in the dumps for a couple days. She just mopes around the house- it's so sad.

These next two pictures were taken on our trip to Durango last Summer.

And lastly, Sierra is also Mr. H's best friend. Did I mention she was a protector? This was taken on Thanksgiving Day 2007. Doesn't Mr. H look so cute in his bibs?

Like I said. Softy. She's such a sweet girl.



Thanks Rachel for asking about her!

TTC Distractions

I've been kind of quiet lately. Which I guess is a good thing because it means things are pretty uneventful. When I first started blogging it was to release my feelings, to help alleviate some of the grief, or help it along anyway. It's been 2 and a half years since Sam died and 2 since Jack. My grief isn't what it used to be. I never thought that I would rise above the overwhelming sadness and I have.

I can't say that I've gotten over my losses or my boys, but I'm moving forward. You know the cliche saying "Time heals all wounds" well it's not true- as you all know. But there is a quote that I read long ago that has stayed with me. "Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that heals" And over the past 31 months I have cried, prayed, screamed, plead, yearned, missed, loved, and lived. It's been a long journey to get here and it feels safe.

We've been TTC for 4 months now and it feels good to be making some progress. To know that we're building our future one day at a time. But I'm scared shitless. I'm not scared of conceiving and I'm not scared of the pregnancy. I'm scared to lose. I almost feel like I did when we were TTC Jack. I felt hopeful and full of information that would save our baby. I didn't feel the least bit of skepticism. I honestly believed that that pregnancy would be different. People even believed and told me it would be different. I believed them. We planned for it we took precautionary measurements to bring him into this world and our plan failed.

I'm starting to feel hopefully optimistic again. I'm equipped with even more knowledge, we've found better, more skilled doctors and we've properly grieved (well, we're not quite through grieving, but you know what I mean.) Hell, we bought a cemetery plot. I'd say we're more than prepared. I feel like we're ready, like our time has finally come and I just don't want to be disappointed again. I don't know how to do this all over again. I just can't.

So please bear with me as I post pictures of my pets, cake, jewelery or flowers, basically anything and everything that is completely unrelated to TTC. It's my way of coping when words fail me. It's a distraction that keeps me from stressing.

Thank You Nanny!

The wonderful Nanny of The Online Nanny/College Girl Diaries also celebrated and remembered Jack on his birthday. She and her roommates (thank you ladies!) went all over her city and wrote his name in colored chalk anywhere people could see it.

According to the pictures, the weather was beautiful and sunny. His name was written on old trees, sidewalks, around monuments, on brick walkways, and steps. A grounds keeper even walked up to them and asked him who Jack was. When Nanny told him, he was saddened by the loss.

While taking pictures all over DreamSchoolCity a little squirrel followed them around, just checking things out. So sweet and curious- just like I think Jack would be.

Thank you Nanny for being so creative and remembering Jack. It means so much to me.

Thank You Sarah!

Sarah from Living la vida what the? and her son honored Jack on his birthday all the way from Australia.

They made cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to him. Her son recommended they add white chocolate chips because "Little kids love melted chocolate chips". How cute is that? And what a smart boy.

The cupcake picture was taken next to her special candle. I'm sure Jack would have loved them.

Thank you Sarah for remembering my Jack!

Thank you Katie!

When I wrote about missing Jack on his birthday a few readers and friends mentioned that they would celebrate him on his birthday as well.

Katie from Maine went on a weekend getaway with her family to Jackson, NH. She took a few pictures and sent them to me.




Thanks Katie for remembering Jack!

Oh and the recipe for Jack's Rainbow Cupcakes is finally up!

#4

Yesterday was our 4th wedding anniversary, but as of the 3rd, we've been together for 10 years! It's seems like a lifetime, but at the same time it feels like just yesterday when he was walking up my front walkway to bring me a yellow rose.

It was a very quiet day. I made him his favorite breakfast- cinnamon french bread french toast. We hung out most of the day and watched TV. We didn't exchange gifts but we decided we were going to treat ourselves to new crisp white sheets and pillows. We bought pillows last weeks, so we need to find some good sheets. If you guys have any suggestions, let me know!

I bought Mr. h one of those singing cards from the bookstore. I bought it about 6 weeks ago and stashed it away. I went into the office and barely cracked the card open so he wouldn't hear it. I usually find those cards pretty annoying and I despise the people that stand in that card aisle and open up every obnoxious card. BUT, this card played our wedding song so I got it. When I gave it to Mr. h, he opened it and it sounded like a broken record. It kept repeating the first 3 words over and over. It was hilarious but a little sad. Stupid card. I was able to finagle the wires so it would play the entire song, but it's still a dumb card with a lot of thought.

He decided to make me a card so I gave him a stack of card stock, scrapbook stickers, colored pencils, scissors, a glue stick and a paper trimmer. It was so sweet and totally his idea.

We went to see a movie, since it's a cheap date and because it's one of the first things we did when we first met. This is the first movie we saw together, and this is the second. Last night we went to go see He's Just Not That Into You. It was funny, but a little ironic seeing as it was our anniversary. What's even funnier is that it was his choice. I wanted to see Gran Torino. A little stint of role reversal, I'd say :-) Then we went to eat a fajita dinner. It was a nice evening.

Our grooms cake was chocolate cake layered with chocolate mousse and strawberries. It is honestly the best cake I've ever had. I decided to make a version of that cake, but used homemade chocolate pudding and sliced strawberries in between the cake and topped it off with chocolate wafer cookie crumbs.



Visit here to see last year's 3rd anniversary.

The Closest I've Come

I've always wondered what breastfeeding was like. The sensation, the satisfaction, the frustration, the nurturing, the bond.

I felt robbed of my inability to breastfeed. My breast became engorged, full and ready to feed. They became hard and knotty. They were round and large. The nurses and everything I read online urged me against rubbing them, against stimulating the nipple, against letting the overly warm soothing water hit them. I did all of these things I was urged not to do. I wanted to feel what it was like. In a way, it was curiosity but it was also a form of punishment.

I asked my mother and my mother-in-law what it was like. My MIL said it "feels like someone is sucking on your nipple" and my mother said it felt "like an orgasm". Maybe to them that's what it was like, but to me it'll be something different.

Today after I lay LD down for his nap, I tried to put down his brother too. He wasn't fussy, but he wasn't exactly happy either. He needed to sleep. He tried to get there and I rocked and swayed, I sat and stood. I walked and hummed. My usual method of holding him on my left shoulder, placing my right arm underneath his bum and folding my left arm across his back and cupping his head wasn't working.

I finally sat down, propped up with pillows behind me and folded my right leg over my left knee. I held him across my belly and his head rested in the crevice of my elbow. I rocked him softly, admired the curves of his sweet face, and listened to his sighs. His eyes fluttered until they were completely still. His cheek grazed up against my breast and he began to suckle.

I provided him a place of comfort.

It's the closest I've come to knowing what it's like.

Public

I don't like being private. I feel anxious about my return to the "non-private" world. But it feels right, for now.

And I missed you guys.