The Grass Is Greener

I remember a time when I was excited to get a visit from Aunt Flo.

Not so much anymore. At least not at this very moment.

It reminds me of this painted pony we saw in Durango last summer eating the grass on the other side of the fence.

Appointment and a Sunset

My appointment yesterday went okay.

When I made the phone call to make the appt. on Monday, the receptionist said I needed to see the nurse practitioner for my annual exam (since it had already been 18 months since the last one) then from there I could schedule another appt to discuss other issues with my OB. I agreed because at least I didn't have to wait several weeks for the appt.

The nurse practitioner was very nice, friendly and informative. She was a little too skinny and her Barbie pink toes peeked out from the opening in her peep-toe heels. She had long blond hair and tried to show the world she was in her thirties. Clearly the gray forming at her roots proved otherwise. But like I said she was nice.

She felt me up, made jokes about what a pro I was at spreading my legs, then tickled my cervix with a cotton swab. They did a pregnancy test which was negative and took blood to check my thyroid and hormone levels. The results should be back in 2 weeks, but more than likely sooner. I sure as hell hope they don't send be a "normal" card, like they did here and here. Bastards.

I asked her about my cycles being so wonky and she said that anything between 21 and 35 days is considered normal. But for the last 3 months they haven't fallen into that category. But really there isn't anything they can do until the blood work comes back, so I wait. Truth be told, I don't really care about my period, I just want to ovulate but since my cycle isn't regular I don't know when or if I am. She suggested I start temping or checking my mucus consistency. She recommended by name the OvuLite, ovulation predictor using saliva. This is also the same product that my friend Lori suggested- thanks Lori!) I was waiting to buy anything since I thought I was pregnant, but since I'm not I think I'll do some research on it then purchase it wherever I can find it cheap!

I asked her if I needed to schedule a follow-up appt. with my OB and she said I didn't need to unless I got pregnant or in November, which ever comes first.

That's all I know for now, but I'll leave you with a photo of the sunset last night. It was stunning.

A Bust

So I actually thought I got pregnant this cycle because I'm 2 weeks late, as of today. It took me a lot to finally break down and pee on the stick, because I was afraid but I tested yesterday and it was negative. So disappointing, but I'm okay.

This time was different though. I actually had pregnancy symptoms. I hope I wasn't making them up in my mind :-) My breasts were sore (they're still sore), I was tired, I was late. I don't know, I just felt like this was it, and it's not. Of course there is a chance of the test I took being wrong, but I doubt it.

I think mostly, I'm frustrated with my cycles being so "off". Two cycles ago AF was 3 weeks late, last month it was a week early. This cycle I'm late again. I called my OB this morning and made an appointment tomorrow morning with her nurse practitioner for an annual exam. From there, I'll schedule another appt. with my OB to discuss TTC, ovulating, my wacky cycles, etc.

Fun stuff, no?

Thank You.

One year ago: Memorial Day

"Still" Update

This is an update for the last post.

On Wednesday (the day after I wrote that post) A's friend went into labor at exactly 29 weeks. She delivered both babies, one stillborn and the other thriving (weighing in at 3.7 lbs. and breathing on her own).

A went to go see her in the hospital yesterday and I asked her how she was doing. She said she seemed pretty together until about 20 minutes into the visit and all she did was cry. She kept wondering about her baby that died. She didn't understand why she had to die and she kept making promises to care for her even if she was sick, if only she lived.

Her husband and A. both told her she was being selfish because she shouldn't wish for a "sick life" for her daughter. They just don't understand. A. also said "she needs to get over it" because she has another child to care for. I quickly corrected her and told her it has been nearly 3 years for us and we're still not over it.

It's so frustrating to try to talk to someone who clearly doesn't get it and doesn't really care. Even though she sees first hand what her friend is like, it doesn't register. The father is in "taking care of business" mode and it making phone calls left and right. I think this is clearly a coping mechanism. Sad thing is, he has no idea what is waiting for him.

They plan to have a funeral next Friday (which seems like a long way away) at "some cemetery" that has a baby section. This baby, Luci, will be a neighbor of Sam and Jack.

Still

On Friday the smaller tw1n stopped moving. On Monday, there was no heartbeat.

They will treat the pregnancy as a single and proceed as "normal" unless she has any further complications, then they'll do a c-section.

11 weeks to go and she'll have to make arrangements for one tw1n while she brings the other into this world.

She is beyond devastated and my heart goes out to her.

Sincerely, Monica

I have a confession to make.

Whenever I found out someone else was pregnant and I wasn't, I used to sing this song. It made me laugh, if only temporarily. It was what I needed.

I don't do that anymore. Whenever I hear that song on the radio, I still chuckle a little bit, but I don't think of any of you. Aren't you glad?

I also have to admit, that whenever I heard or read of another pregnancy, in real life or in blogland, it stung. It hurt because it wasn't me and I so badly wanted it to be. I also know that no one can stop living their life just because I was still hurting, and the same thing goes for me.

I remember a time when everyone was getting pregnant but me. Hell, we weren't even trying so there was no way we could get pregnant. That in itself was hard. This is what I wrote just over a year ago, in this post:

"I feel like I've been left behind. Almost every week, I read of a new pregnancy or a new birth. I am thrilled for the new mothers or soon-to-be mothers because I know the long road they took to get there. I know the heartache they went through to get where they are. I am happy for them because it's a dream come true, but it becomes increasingly harder to read. Then I get upset and start to feel sorry for myself. Then Mr. H wants to know what is wrong and I don't want to tell him because all he is going to say is "stop reading blogs if they upset you". He has a point, but I'm still going to get upset over my own life and not being pregnant and he doesn't want to hear all that. So, I continue to read because it gives me hope that it will happen someday."

A lot has change over the past year and I know my time will come. It's been 6 months so far and we're still trying. And that's okay. We've made and are still making progress towards our future, and that's all I ever wanted.

I just hope that when ever my time comes that there are no hard feelings towards me. I know a few of you out there, are currently trying, are going through IVF, are waiting to try again, or are still in a place where you so badly want a baby in your arms and don't. Please know I think of you all. I pray for you all everyday and I wish you the life you want and so badly deserve.

I thank you all for supporting me on this journey and I wish this person a very sincere congratulations!

A Week In Review

Okay, so this post is about my week from last Thursday til now.

I worked in the kitchen all day Friday, Saturday and most of the day Sunday. We had my mother, mother-in-law and grandmother over for brunch for Mother's Day. There was a total of 10 of us, so needless to say I had my work cut out for me. But it was nice and not too stressful. I planned ahead and did most of the work (setting the the table, baking, chopping, etc) ahead of time.

It was also my brother's 14th birthday on Sunday, but we celebrated the day before. I also had to bake a cake for that too. Exhaustion is a word I would use to describe my weekend.



I think, in a way (in a big way) that I kept myself busy to avoid thinking about the obvious. It seemed to have worked, thus far, but who knows what the days ahead of us hold? My goal was to celebrate and honor the mothers in my life by feeding them and making them things and having a welcoming home. I did that. The day was about them. I acknowledged myself as a mother, but it wasn't my holiday.



Later in the evening, Mr. H and I went to visit the boys at the cemetery and to see Mr. H's grandmother, it was her birthday as well. She would have been 94 this year.
______________________________________________

Last Thursday I went with A. to take the boys to get their picture taken for Mother's day. Of course, the pictures turned out wonderfully. It's one of those places where they take the pictures and print them in the same day. So after they were printed and we were about to leave, A. decided it would be a good idea for me to take a picture with the boys. I liked the idea, but I wasn't thrilled. I wanted to take a picture with my two sons, not hers.



On another note, L.D is being potty trained. Let me rephrase that- I am potty training L.D. They're leaving on vacation at the end of June and she's wanted it done by then, but she's made absolutely no effort to do so. He's not going to do it himself, so that leaves me. But it's been difficult because I also have the little one to take care of while she "works". On Monday, I sat on the edge of the tub for 48 minutes waiting for him to pee. And he did it! And he was so proud of himself, and I of him. His mom said "yay" and went back to work.

He ended up telling me he needed to go again and I took him. A big step for a 2 and a half year old, if you ask me. He hasn't been consistent over the last few days, but that's to be expected, he's still learning to listen to his body. The problem is, A gives him no credit. On Monday after 15 minutes she was ready to give up and take him off the pot. Today she was bitching because he only said he needed to go once and peed the rest of the time in his diaper.

Who the fuck cares lady! It's day 3 and he's just learning. No thanks to her!

Also they went to the library to check out potty books. The only one they found was titled "Sam's Potty".

Sometimes I feel like life keeps shitting on me.

Ladybugs

I think Mother's Day is a very bittersweet day for us all. A day that should be spent with our children opening gifts made by their little hands and getting a bunch of hugs and kisses along the way. For many of us, that is not our reality.

To those of you missing your children, those of you trying to conceive and those of you wanting to have children and can't. To the grandmothers, stepmothers, aunts and sisters that cared for us along the way, and to the mothers who birthed us. To the fathers that acted in the absence of mothers and to all the women that have influenced our lives in one way or another.

I wish you all peace on this Mother's Day.

6 Months and Counting

A few of you have asked about the status of us TTC. I don't mind the interest or the questions, it's just easier to write about it here than to answer the same thing several times in emails.

So... as of today, May 1st, we are at 6 months and counting. Last month I thought I could have been ...with child, then AF showed up 3 weeks late and ruined it for me. This month was a bust too. I started a week earlier than I should have. It lasted a week then stopped, then 2 days later I started spotting again.

So we wait and see.

Anyone have any suggestions on ovulation predictors/methods. I've tried OPK's and they're too expensive for me to keep up with and I did it for 3 months and never saw the egg. Anything you did that worked?

BTW, today is also my Dad's birthday. Happy Birthday Asshole.