"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Thursday, September 27, 2007

Inconsiderate Jerks

****WARNING*** negativity down below along with a really long post. If you manage to get down to the bottom, thank you for reading ****

I first wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented and supported me through the last couple (difficult) days.

A family member emailed me about my "How are you?" post (down below) and she said she has never seen this "angry" side of me before. Whatever. I clearly stated in the last paragraph that I am not angry, and I'm not. I believe what I wrote. However she is starting to piss me off. She also mentioned that she "didn't know that was how I felt about God". What way? Confused ? I am sad and frustrated because I do not understand and I may never understand why my boys are in Heaven. Isn't that normal? Does she know someting that I don't? Maybe she could enlighten me. She also said that whomever I told "f**k off" to was obviously an important person in my life or I would not have gotten upset. Whatever, again! That comment was made to whomever feels like my losses are insignificant. Maybe she was offended because she thought I was talking about her. I wasn't referring to her, but now I am beginning to understand why she was affected by my post. Maybe she is paranoid because that's how she feels and her secret is out. Who knows? I was just pissed that she had the nerve to judge me by how I felt/am feeling. This is MY personal space in the world, where I can say or write or feel ANYTHING I want without having to explain, apologize, or justify my words. The great thing about this blog, is that if you don't like or agree with it you don't have to look at it- simple concept really. I was hurt by her comments.

And by the way, my Mom told me today that this same person was hesitant to come to Sam's birthday balloon release in August (which explains her last minute RSVP) because "isn't that a little much?" (her exact words). That REALLY pisses me off. If it was too much for her to comprehend she didn't have to come. It's not like I asked for birthday gifts, it was a frickin' remembrance ceremony in honor of my son who died. We had a balloon release and had cupcakes which I made and paid for. All she had to do was come and pretend to enjoy herself. How difficult is that to understand? Why is that going overboard, why is that "a little too much"? I hurt and that is how I grieve. I guess because it is different from her type of grieving it must be wrong. How close minded and ignorant must one be? I lost two, 2, dos, a couple (not one, but T-W-O) sons in a span of six months and I am entitled to do whatever I want in order to keep my sons' memories alive and in order to heal. I should not feel compelled to watch what I do or say or feel because she may not approve. How dare she?!!!

Speaking of jerks, my Dad called me today. I was at the hospital with my mom who was having jaw surgery and my phone rang long enough for the caller ID to register it, but I guess he hung up, because there wasn't anyone there and he didn't leave a message. Coward (but I give him props for even thinking about calling). I haven't spoken to my Dad since last August because he said hurtful things to me after Sam died and didn't come to the funeral because he had to work (he's self employed). I don't think he meant them to be hurtful, but they did hurt, and he made no apologies for them. He thought since I was the one that was mad, I should be the one to call him. He'll be waiting a LOOOOOOOng time if he's waiting for that phone call. I have no desire to speak with him. He doesn't even know about my second loss of Jack. I don't even think he knew I was pregnant with him either. It was his choice to not be a part of my life, so I make no apologies for his lack of knowledge or relationship with me.

I'm sick and tired of being in one-sided relationships with people. All my life I have always done for others and given 110% of myself to people just to get knocked down. I remember peoples birthdays anniversaries etc. I send cards, and sometimes gifts, I am thoughtful and considerate. I send out holiday cards every year with thoughtful messages, not just a signature. It's time consuming but it's worth it for me to show my dedication to them. He doesn't even remember my birthday if my brother doesn't remind him. I could easily be forgotten by him if it weren't for my older brother. A person I used to know is the same way. I don't call her a friend because she's not one, but we went to school together and were close for a long while until I realized I was the only friend in the duo. Why? Why do I try so hard and get nothing in return? Why don't I deserve to be special every once in a while? Why don't I deserve to feel important or appreciated? (This is not a feel-sorry-for-me post, I'm just pissed at certain members of my family for not caring even a little bit) It's not fair that I am the only one who finds it important to maintain a communication and respect for people when they could not care less. I feel like an idiot for trying so hard to love and give and it's not even acknowledged.

I am no longer going to try so hard. If you don't like me for me, then you're not worth investing my time in. That is what Sam did for me. He gave me the strength to be myself and to not put up with peoples' crap. He showed me what is really important and I miss him dearly. I'm just saddened that it took losing him to figure that out. Was that my lesson to be learned?

5 comments:

Monica said...

"A little much"??? Wow! She REALLY doesn't get it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I think it might be best to just distance yourself from her for a while to keep her from hurting you further.

About you.. what can I say that I haven't already said. You are such a kind and compassionate person. I can easily see others (how can I put this without making you sound like a schmuck..) abusing it. I also think you are just one of those rare persons who lives to make others happy.. I should say making others happy makes you happy. But the sad part is is that they need to be there for you. You know that one dorky country and western song out now? The one that is called, "You find out who your friends are". I think that it is times like this where your really learn that. The patriot Thomas Paine wrote it more elonquently, "These are the times that try men's souls, the summer soldier and sunshine patriot will in the time of Crisis shrink from service" meaning when the shit gets hard, some people run. Others don't. As hard as it may be for you, you gotta cut those "sunshine patriots" out. I wouldn't change who you are, but just ask yourself, "is this person really committed to me?" BTW, the charge for all this great advice is free. The next session I will charge.

HAHAHA!

BTW, I am going to wait a few weeks to update your new blog on my blogroll, but I did at it to my bloglines so I will see when you have posted.

K? Bye!

Becky said...

Monica,

I'm so sorry that your family treats you this way. Unfortunately, I have discovered the same things about family after loosing Dylan and Riley. First, my grandmother (who I didn't have a great relationship with to begin with) asked to see Dylan's picture. When I showed her, she said "Oh Beck, he's not very cute, is he?" I was devestated! Then at his funeral, she made comments to DH's Grandmother that we were making such a big deal out of this. Only what she didn't know was that DH's grandmother suffered a stillbirth nearly 50 years ago and still hasn't 'gotten over it.' And before we left for his funeral, she made comments about my weight and that I'm to emotional. As she put it, "Just like your mother." Needless to say, we didn't invite her to Riley's memorial service. I didn't want to deal with the added grief, and now almost 18 months later I don't go out of my way.

The thing is, I was just like you. Always sending cards, remembering birthdays...it was always me making the phone calls. I got tired of it. My best friend didn't even call after we lost Dylan. I didn't talk to her for almost a year until out of the blue she emailed me and told me she was pregnant. She knew we lost Riley too. But she was about 24w along when she told me. I was devestated and I literally had an anxiety attack. How could she not be there for me when I needed her the most in my life, but she expects me to be there for her? After that she sent monthly updates like I cared...I blocked her emails because she's due any day and to be God honest I hope that her baby dies. I have never felt such bitterness and hatred for a person that I once cared about until she deserted me like she did. I swear that I won't feel like being friends with her again until she burries her baby. And we all know that's unlikely to happen...apparently the only people that happens to are the good people in life.

But on the other hand, I have a friend who hasn't let a day go by that she hasn't called since we left the hospital after Dylan was born. Even if I don't answer, she leaves a voicemail. Just to check in on me. And even when I avoided her, didn't want to talk, and refused her to come and visit...she did it anyway. And for that, I will never forget.

I wish that I could offer more advice. I realize that I might not have helped much...but know that you aren't alone. I think we all feel the same way. The whole situation sucks. And I wish that you didn't have to go through it too.

I've dealt with it by writing those people out of my life. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but I have. I no longer give 110%. I just can't do it anymore. I think there comes a point in your life that you have to think about your own family first. Allow yourself to say NO. When you get there, it's a great feeling!

Kristi said...

I too feel like some of my relationships have changed after losing Sara - it's not worth my time to invest my energy in "friends" who can't/don't return that energy. Talking with women in our other group, most feel the same way.
On the flipside, we do find out who our friends are & hopefully find new ones. : )

meg said...

Monica,

I'm so sorry how this family member treated you. If you read back in some of my posts, I have posted a few times about how hard it has been to talk to some of my relatives. And how awful they have been.

And you are right, you blog is here for you to write whatever you want. It's for you. I know I feel like that about mine. It may not be pretty, but it's mine.

Family members are always putting their 2 cents in about *how* we should be dealing with all of this. But they're not here, living it moment by moment, like we are.

I'm glad that you found my blog and hope so much that we can be a comfort and support to each other. That's what is so great about this blogging community. You can find the support you need--even if that support is missing from your real life.

theviewfromthisplace said...

"isn't that a little much?"
hmmm...a little too much is losing your first and second born child.
thank you very much.
my father does not know of ANY of my losses - that's how tight WE are.
good for you! kick ass! i have felt like Emi taught me to be selfish and care for myself first and that Daniella taught me to 'not sweat the small stuff' and that life can ROYALLY suck. i'm just a regular ray of sunshine.