Public Service Announcement

I'm going to be with my Grandma for her surgery tomorrow. She is having a mastectomy and reconstruction on her right breast. She visited us over Easter and she said, "This is the last time my boob will ever be here in this town", then she got sad. I did that too. I remember every little thing or place I could link the boys to, I did. "I remember driving here, when I was pregnant. The last time I ate such and such I was pregnant. When we did this, I was pregnant." and the list went on. It's been a year and a half since Sam passed away, and I still find myself doing that from time to time. So, I understand her grief. It's just sad to me that she is experiencing this type of grief before she has even experienced the actual physical loss. But I get it. Like us, she's already lost her innocence. I guess it would be like us knowing we were going to lose our babies, but we just had to wait it out. She has said to me many times over the past few weeks that it has been so stressful and exhausting for her. In many ways, it's only beginning, but in some it's over. I hope to never write about cancer again. If the two topics are ever mentioned in unison, I hope it's to say that "My Grandma beat cancer!"

(.)(.) - Save your boobies!

Get a mammogram, and give one too!

"Whenever I See Your Smiling Face"

This song has always reminded me of us. Mr. H played it for me several years ago and it instantly became "our song". He just liked the song for the song but I liked it for the lyrics- it just made so much sense. "I thought I was in love a couple of times before with the girl next door, but that was long before I met you, now I'm sure that I won't forget you". He thought he was in love with the girl next door, until he met me :-)

This is not the original artist and some of the lyrics are missing, but I liked this guys enthusiasm (isn't he great?), so I'm posting this one instead. To hear J.ames T.aylor's version, click here.

Do you and your love have a special song? What is it?

My Bookshelf

This was posted on Niobe's blog and I thought it was interesting. I wasn't going to participate initially because my books aren't that interesting, but while I was taking care of LD yesterday, I set my camera down on the nightstand while it was still on and I saw this in the view finder. I can't say the books are that interesting, but I like that angles and the colors. I just used the word "interesting" 3, now 4 times in this paragraph alone! Now that's interesting :-)

I hadn't really noticed until now, but my miscarriage/loss books are next to my sappy "Chicken Soup for the Bride's Soul" book. I don't think those two books should ever be together.

Butta Fingas

What the hell is the matter with me? I keep dropping things in the toilet. A couple weeks ago, I dropped my paycheck in the toilet, while we were at the spa getting a massage. Today I dropped my heart locket in the toilet (after I used the bathroom-yuck!). And then right after that, I dropped a tampon fresh out of the wrapper straight in to the bowl. What's next? I laugh but I really wanna cry.

BTW, someone told me today that I shouldn't let the loss of my boys consume me because it wasn't healthy. Why didn't I think of that?

Rosey Cheeks

For the last couple weeks, my skin has been terrible! I have the occasional breakout, but it has been yucky everyday for 2 weeks now. So I made a doctor appt. with a dermatologist to see what was going on. The breakout seemed to spread from my face to neck to my chest. I didn't change any products, I didn't use anything differently, I didn't start a new bottle of anything (thinking the formula changed). I didn't do anything different, so I didn't understand why my skin was acting up. It was kind of embarrassing and I was a little self-conscience so I decided to take action.

Mr. H printed out a list of recommended docs in my insurance network and I just left it on the desk for about a week. Then after that, I said I was going to make an appt, so I stuck it in my purse in which it remained for another couple days. When I searched the list, I noticed there was a doctor named Robert Jackson!!! It was a sign, so I made an appt right away. I went to see him this morning and he says I have r.osacea- bleh! So he wrote me a scrip for a $135 tube of cream- that's crazy talk. Insurance covered a portion of it, but it still came out to over $100. Mr. H asked why they called it r.osacea and not "Rosey cheeks" I thought that was funny. Rosey cheeks sounds so much more pleasant doesn't it?

Anyway, when we were leaving the pharmacy parking lot after picking up my meds, my car decided it was going to act a fool and it started making this nasty grinding noise which Mr. H thinks is the torque converter. Don't know what that is? Me neither, but it costs about $400 plus labor! So we headed home instead of to my mom's house for dinner and switched cars. We have 3 cars, but I can only drive one since I don't drive a stick. So that meant that Mr. H was going to have to drive me around everywhere while my car was getting fixed or I was going to have to borrow a car. So I am now pimpin' out my MIL's Caddy (and I secretly love it!) but I do miss my car already.

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Easter wasn't so bad after all, but it still wasn't as great as we all wished it could be. My Grandma came in to town to visit for the weekend. Her mastectomy and reconstruction surgery are scheduled for April 2nd. She needed to get away so she and my Grandpa took a road trip. It's been nice to have her here even though I have been so busy and haven't been able to spend as much time with her as I would like. She leaves for home on Wednesday, then I will fly up to see her next Monday. I'm hoping that this will be her last surgery and she will be cancer free. I can't take the stress of it, and I can only imagine how she feels everyday.

It's been interesting though because the loss she feels towards her breast and the disease she has makes us grieve in very similar ways. We've been able to connect on a different level than others because the loss of my boys and the loss of part of her body are relatively similar- emotionally. People have said stupid shit to her as they did me, like "You'll have another one" or "At least you had it for as long as you did" or "It was meant to be". All bullshit, I tell ya. She fears death and a loss of hope as have I. She feels no one can relate as much as they try, as did I. All the commonalities have really caught me off guard, because I never thought that a loss of a baby would at all relate to a woman with breast cancer. But it just goes to show that no matter what your hardship, grief is still the common factor.

Easter Expectations

I imagined this Easter to be much different than last year. I expected the grief to subside. I expected happiness in life and in the holiday to resurface. It isn't and it hasn't. I should be posting a picture of my two curious, (probably clumsy if they're anything like me) full of life boys running through the grass in their oh so cute, way too expensive cuddly Easter outfits with appliqued fuzzy lambs and bunnies in search of the golden egg. But I'm not and I can't. This will have to do instead. Perhaps next year.

Happy Birthday Sam T. We miss you!

Infertile??? Not So Much.

I've been taking care of LD for a couple months now. The day after Jack's birthday, which was a Friday, I went to work. I was talking to A, LD's mom, while she was doing dishes and I was feeding LD his afternoon snack. I asked her if she planned on having more children and she replied, "we're trying, but I have fertility problems" then went on to say she was "infertile". I said, "oh, me too."

I hadn't mentioned anything about my losses to her before this day because I didn't know how she would respond. I didn't know if she would sympathise with me, if she'd understand, or if she'd freak out, so I kept quiet. But as she was talking about herself, I told her about my losses. I told her when they were born and how old they were, etc. and she was shocked. She said, "oh wow, you actually gave birth to them!" Well, how else are they going to come out? And yes, she did feel sorry for me, which I didn't want.

As I was talking to her that day (a month ago today) she said she had chronic pain due to Level 4 (?) Endometriosis (sp?). She only has one son, LD- 15 months, and is 32 years old. She has had 2 surgeries on her uterus and needs a hysterectomy in order to be relieved from the pain. She wants more children, so she deals with the pain. Her doctor told her it would be impossible to have children on her own without IVF. I'm not sure how long she was infertile, but she proceeded to say that it only took her 1 month to get pregnant on her own. I'm not quite sure how that makes her "infertile", but okay. So as I understand it, the doctor diagnosed her as infertile before she actually tried to get pregnant??? I 'm not really sure. But it seems weird to me that she would throw that word around so casually, if she never attempted to get pregnant, then with only trying for ONE month, she got pregnant. I understand she may have complications with her body, but her fertility hasn't been compromised.

I don't mean to say that having Stage 4/Level 4 (whatever the correct term is) Endometriosis is not a real problem, because I'm sure it is, but by no means is she infertile. How do I know this, you ask? Because she's pregnant.

Good Friday? Yeah sure.

More Than A Card

I've been in a funk lately. With people being sick, dying, others being born (which should be a happy time, but it's just so hard!) and holidays, I really miss my boys. My aunt sent me a card today from H. allmark. They now carry J.ourney cards that address topics such as infertility, miscarriage and depression, cancer etc. That's truly remarkable, because no one wants to talk about these things and there's not a card to talk about them either. So thank you H.allmark for stepping up. And thank you Melinda for thinking of me and having faith and believing that we will have our "third child, to keep forever." I needed this card today.

"A Special Offer Just For You"

I just got an e-coupon from the place where I paint ceramics.

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Dear Monica,

Mother's Day is just around the corner. We have some great projects sure to please that Mom or Grandparent. Present this coupon when you create any HandPrint or FootPrint project. We appreciate your business, and hope you will shop with us again!

* * *
I haven't even gotten through Easter yet. Thanks for the reminder.

The Fight- Part 2

I first have to say that I think Mr. H is a very handsome and incredibly sexy man :-) He got his feelings hurt when he read I thought he was ugly. But you have to understand that when I first met him, he was not my type, he was in another relationship, and I was in the middle of lusting over a huge crush. Oh, Corey!

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Okay, where did I leave off? Oh, that's right the date we went on where I convinced myself we were only friends. My curfew was at 10pm (how lame is that?) so around 9:30 we started to head out towards the parking lot. We went downtown and there is very limited parking there, so we parked in a church parking lot and walked about a block to our destination. (I can't even think of the name of the place). As we were walking down the street in the direction of Mr. H's truck, HOLDING HANDS, AN and her friend come walking towards us! "Holy shit" is all I could think of at the time!

We are now in front of the church at the time and she (crazy-ass AN) comes charging at me like a bull screaming at the top of her lungs "You B*tch!" over and over and over. In front of a church! (God, that's so embarrassing- I can't believe I'm telling this story!) She separated us and wanted us to tell her what was going on. Her friend just stood to the side and kept saying I wasn't worth it. I guess she felt compelled to add in her two cents. She asked both of us, separately, if we had kissed. Mr. H (in true guy fashion) lied and told her no. She then asked me and since I didn't know what Mr. H had said and because I didn't want to lie to her, I said yes. Big mistake! I should have lied, but we were in front of a church! She wasn't pissed at him. Oh no, she was mad at me. Mr. H didn't do anything wrong, it was all my fault. Isn't that how it usually goes?

So this is where "the fight" comes into play. She leaned into me and grabbed my hair and started pulling it! She pulled out chunks of my hair and she tried to bang my head on the stone wall we were sitting on, but she didn't. I did not fight her, but I pushed her off of me. I wasn't going to tackle her down (although I could have) and beat her ass just because she was beating mine. I was at fault and I understood why she was angry with me. I guess you can say I deserved it. She pulled off my necklace and threw it into the street (in front of a church!) and repeatedly called me obscene names. Some would say that I didn't defend myself, but I'm not a fighter- I'm a lover. Where was Mr. H in all of this drama? Sitting on the sidelines watching I guess. **Mr. H, if you're reading this (and I know you are), where were you and why didn't you try to protect me you jerk?!? And don't just laugh it off, I want an answer. I deserve one after all these years, don't ya think? And don't say "I'm here now and that's all that matters" either, cause that ain't gonna cut it.**

After she calmed down slightly, from raging bull to a calmer raging bull, she insisted she and her friend take me home. She didn't want Mr. H to be anywhere near me. Are you kidding? If I had gone with her, I would not be here today typing on this blog. She probably would have run over me and left me on the side of the road to die like roadkill. Obviously, it was an easy choice for me- I went home with Mr. H. I didn't cry or say a single word the whole way home. By this time, it was well past my curfew and my mom was pissed. Once I saw my mom, I cried like a big baby. For the longest time, my mom did not like Mr. H because she said he wasn't a man and didn't step up for me. She was right. But things have changed and he is an awesome husband and I'm so lucky to have him. Really, I think he should be lucky to have me.

The next day, AN called me up and said we could still be friends (oh lucky me!), if I left Mr. H alone. She and Mr. H (according to her) were going to work things out and get back together. She felt she couldn't trust me around him anymore. I told her that I would leave him alone, but that I couldn't guarantee he would leave me alone. And as you know, he's still bothering me to this day. He called me the next day to see if I was okay and he came over to see me. I was fine, but my head was a little sore. Later that day or the next day, he walked next door and gave AN all her stuff back and they called it quits. She was heartbroken all over again. We started to hang out more and more "as friends" until it turned into some thing more. Since then, there haven't been any more fights. And in case you're wondering, AN turned into a coke whore and started hanging out with some really odd people. I don't know what she's doing today, but every once in awhile, when we go to my in-laws house, she'll be next door visiting her grandmother. If she sees Mr. H, she'll wave at him and smile (when I'm not there of course).

Moral of the story: Don't cheat and get caught! No, I'm just kidding, I do not advocate infidelity. Truthfully though, do not stop in front of a church or you'll get your ass beat! I really do believe though that we are meant to be together, and even though we have a slightly sad and hilarious story about how we met, things worked out because we followed our hearts. Awww!

Green Thumb

This is what happens when you dye eggs without gloves.

Homemade Irish Cream

Make some this weekend just in time for St. Paddy's Day!

The Fight- Part 1

This day, 9 years ago, jump started our relationship. Well, kinda. On this day, in 1999, Mr. H's grandfather passed away. He and his dad had left town to attend the funeral and to be with family. His mother was already there with her father when it happened. When he came back to town our relationship changed from casual friends to something more.

Let me back up a little to February '99. Mr. H was dating AN (A. nna N. icole look-alike. Not nearly as pretty, but with boobs to match). Mr. H and AN were neighbors. AN and I were friends. We were not best friends, but she was part of the click that we hung out with. This is how Mr. H and I met. We actually met in October 1998, but I was NOT interested in him and I thought he was ugly. I know that sounds harsh, but I was not attracted to him at all. When I would go over to AN's house after school, he would coincidentally show up. I never figured that out, until the day he called me at home. I still didn't know who he was, until he started talking to me at AN's house a few days later. She walked in the room, very accusatory, wanting to know what we were talking about. (Remember, I still didn't like him at this point). Maybe she knew what was going on, but I didn't.

AN's and Mr. H's relationship was not as strong as it once was. They were fighting more and not spending as much time with each other. They didn't know what each other's schedule were like, they just kind of slowly drifted apart, but never officially called it quits until later. We went on our first date on March 3rd. A couple weeks later, we were into the thick of it all the while Mr. H and AN still hadn't broken up. (I know, I know. Spare me the "you're going to hell" glares. I wasn't much of a friend to her and I know that.)

Forward to March '99 -Spring Break. AN and I as well as a couple other friends were planning on heading out to the coast for spring break. We had this planned (although not all the way through) for a few weeks. Stuff came up with all of us, and we didn't go anywhere. We just hung out with each other for the week and did our own thing. AN's excuse for not being able to go to the coast was that she was visiting her mother in New Mexico (her parents are divorced) for the week. Mr. H, being her neighbor, thought she was out of town as well, because that's what she told him and because she wasn't home the entire week. They didn't speak or see each other the entire time. None of us spoke to or saw her either, so we assumed she left town like she said.

During the couple of weeks that we were hanging out together, from March 3- 16 (?), he attempted to kiss me many times. I refused all of his advances because I wasn't going to kiss him until they officially stopped dating. I felt badly. I felt that that was me being a "friend" and I wasn't going to kiss her boyfriend. (I was such a naive little girl back then.) Eventually, I gave in after many attempts and everything changed from then on. I was falling for him. After his grandfather died, he came back to town and called me up towards the end of spring break. He wanted to hang out so I went along for the ride. I didn't see any harm in it. We went downtown to talk and play pool. We had a good time, although I still felt nervous in the pit of my stomach, because I knew we shouldn't have been together. But I convinced myself that we were friends, and that's what friends did.

Edited to Add: This story is to be continued...

Tulips For You

She Had To Go

"...And walking by a piece of furniture and thinking 'there's no way she dusted that'." That's because she didn't.

Mr. H had to go meet her this morning at 8am so she could follow him to our house since she wasn't familiar with the area. She started cleaning right away as I was asleep on the opposite side of the house. I didn't really hear her, but I knew she was there because Autumn stood at the door trying to get out to go play with her.

When I got up this morning, she was dusting the blinds with a S.wiffer duster. Come on, that's *my way* of dusting cause I'm lazy. I don't mind her dusting the blinds with a duster, but not the rest of the furniture in the house. Mr. H gave her dusting rags, cotton towels, and furniture polish. He walked her around the house and said he wanted the entire house dusted, vacuumed, mopped, wiped down, etc. She said "okay". She was fully equipped with everything she needed to clean this house. And she had the nerve to walk by the entry table and dust the edge of the table with a duster rather than taking the stuff off the table and wiping it down. I'm not even that lazy. Mr. H had to tell her to re-dust several things in the house and only until then did she use the furniture polish and towel. She did vacuum the whole house and cleaned one bathroom 90% of the way. She half-ass dusted and cleaned the tile in the entry. She "dusted" the coffee table, but didn't move anything. She merely wiped the exposed edges down. I don't clean that way and if I'm going to pay someone else to do it, I expect it done properly.

She was referred to us by Mr. H's friend (D) and his wife (M). She has been cleaning their house amd their daughter's house for the past 3-4 years! She came highly recommended and their houses are spotless. I don't understand why she was such a slacker for us. She usually cleans their house for $70 week (2x a month). She didn't not come over on Saturday like she said she would to give us an estimate. Our houses are approximately the same size, so I assumed it would be relatively close to what the other couple pays. D and M called on Saturday to let us know she would be coming over to clean our house this morning. She wanted $100 because she had to drive so far. WTF? I'm not paying for her gas. She knew where we lived and decided to come clean our house without visiting ahead of time. That's her problem. Maybe that's why she did such a shotty job.

At about 1pm and after "working" for about 4 hours, Mr. H handed her $45 and told her to take a hike. She left happily and waved "okay goodbye". What I don't understand is that they raved about her. M says "she can clean a bathroom so well you could eat off the toilet." (she left a toothpaste ring in the sink). "She sweeps the front porch everytime she comes over". "She cleans our windows and dusts all my collectibles." Hell, I couldn't even get her to clean the desk (which I cleared off for her) much less my collectibles. I am so done with her, so she had to go. I'm sorry Rachel and Meg, but you really don't want her to come to your house. You'd kick her out after getting frustrated with her and then you'd have to finish cleaning yourself. (BTW, Thanks honey for mopping the floors- they look great!)

I left work early because LD ( the 15 month old) was sick and had to go to the doctor at the last minute. Mr. H and I went to have an early supper and on the way home I saw this. It has been raining like crazy today and the clouds finally parted and made for this interesting photo.

Edited To Add: I have been wondering lately if the reason she didn't want to be there was because she saw all our deadbaby stuff. We have pictures and footprints and such through out the house, but more so on the table she didn't dust. ???

Awkward Is...

...Having a new cleaning lady come to clean your house while you're still asleep.
...Eating breakfast and reading the paper while she's scrubbing your filthy toilet.
...And walking by a piece of furniture and thinking ''there's no way she dusted that''.
...Reading your email and fooling around on the computer while she's on her hands and knees cleaning the tile floor in the room right door.

I keep adding to this list because it keeps getting increasingly more awkward by the moment. I'm feeling a little worthless this morning.

True or False?

Here are the answers you've all been waiting for...lol.

1). I used to live on a boat.

TRUE- When I was younger (10), we lived in A.rlington, VA. My mom was dating a C.ongressman for over 10 years, but they never got married (this topic really deserves an entire post all on it's own). Towards the end of their relationship, they got into a fight and we moved out of his condo. He had a house boat on the P.otomac River in D.C. called the Y.ellow R.ose. We lived on that for a while before we moved back to Texas.

2). When I was younger, I wanted to be an eye model.

TRUE- I never really thought I was pretty growing up. I was teased as a child because I had big eyes, they called me a "rana" which is spanish for frog. I was also different because I was the only one who didn't have brown eyes in my family. But I learned to like them and thought even though I wasn't "model" pretty, I had pretty eyes. I wanted to be a "contact" model.

3). I was born with perfect teeth.

FALSE-I wish this were true, I could have saved my mom a few thousand dollars. I wore braces for 2y7w3d. They were painful and ugly, but I'm grateful for the smile I have today even if my teeth are slightly off center.

4). I love The G.odfather. I've seen the trilogy at least a dozen times.

FALSE- Monica (A Pregnancy After a Stillbirth) may kill me for this, but I've never seen The G.odfather. Any of them. I own the trilogy, just never seen it. Don't really have a desire to either. I have seen the horse head in the bed part, and where they blow up the car, but that's it.

5). I sucked my thumb til I was 5.

FALSE- I don't know if I ever sucked my thumb, but I did suck my toes ;-) I used to deny this until my mom took a picture of me doing it.

6). I've never gotten a speeding ticket, although I drive like Mario A.ndretti!

FALSE- I have gotten a speeding ticket, but only one and it was a speed trap. So technically it wasn't my fault. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, and I do drive like Mario, but that's a learned habit from a husband who drives race cars for a hobby.

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Edited To Add: Please stop by to say hello or send good baby vibes to Becky at Life With Love And Loss. She had to have a TAC (transabdominal cerclage) placed yesterday. The procedure is pretty invasive and can be risky, but she would do anything to save her baby. She will be in the hospital until Sunday, but she is currently doing well. She could use all the prayers and good thoughts she can get, so please make an effort to visit her blog.

The One That Really Counts

Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary. We wanted to get married on our dating anniversary, but who wants to get married on a Thursday? So we settled on a Sunday evening instead. It just sounds romantic...(sigh)! This is where we got married and also where we stayed last year for our 2nd anniversary. It used to be an old mansion, then it turned into a rehab facility (appropriate, huh?) then restored into a boutique hotel. It was supposed to be sunny and warm and it was cold and rainy. We planned on having the ceremony in the back courtyard at sunset, but Mother Nature forced us indoors. We got married in front of a fireplace in the main dining room. It was intimate and beautiful. When we were taking pictures, my Dad ran out to his car to get an umbrella to shield me, my hair and my dress from getting wet. I thought it was supposed to just be as a protectant in between photos, but the photographer loved it. It turned out to be one of my favorite shots. I look at these photos of our wedding day and I see ignorant bliss. We never knew what life was going to hand us, but we never thought it would be this. I wonder if we will ever be as happy as were on that day 3 years ago.

Drip

Don't you just love the gradual fade from dreary and gray to vibrant and new. This is not some form of clever symbolism meant to reflect on personal growth (how clever would that be, though?). If it were, I'd be the puddled weed. What would you be?

9

Today we celebrate our 9th year dating anniversary! Woo-hoo!

We went to of the local area parks for our first date which looks out over the lake. I remember Mr. H showed up in front of my house in his dad's truck after school. He walked up the porch carrying a long stemmed yellow rose as I was peeking out the living room window. I've been smitten ever since. This is also the place where we got engaged after 6 years of dating on Father's Day 2004. We haven't been back in awhile but looking at the pics makes me want to climb the 100+ steps to get there. Happy 9th my love!
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Our conversation last night at midnight:

Me: Happy Anniversary!

Mr. H: SH*T. DANG. Yeah, I guess it is our anniversary.

Me: (rolling my eyes while walking away)

Romantic, huh?
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