Tamale Party

Every once in a while when my Grandma visits everyone will gather around and make tamales. We've been doing it for several years but usually my grandma does all the work. My Mom had to have jaw surgery and my Grandma is visiting so she can take care of her so we decided to make tamales. The ones on the right I made plus about 3 more dozen. They're so time consuming but worth it. If you don't know what tamales are, they are corn masa (dough) filled with pork, or beans, or other meats and wrapped up in a corn husk then steamed. Fantastic! That's all I really know how to explain them. And my Grandma's are the best I have ever had.

We made about 21 dozen so far and we still have more to do. Did I mention they are time consuming?

Here is my aunt, grandma, and Mr. H making tamales. While my mother is watching TV pretending to work. She just had surgery so we'll let it slide.

A man in the kitchen is so SEXY!

Inconsiderate Jerks

****WARNING*** negativity down below along with a really long post. If you manage to get down to the bottom, thank you for reading ****

I first wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented and supported me through the last couple (difficult) days.

A family member emailed me about my "How are you?" post (down below) and she said she has never seen this "angry" side of me before. Whatever. I clearly stated in the last paragraph that I am not angry, and I'm not. I believe what I wrote. However she is starting to piss me off. She also mentioned that she "didn't know that was how I felt about God". What way? Confused ? I am sad and frustrated because I do not understand and I may never understand why my boys are in Heaven. Isn't that normal? Does she know someting that I don't? Maybe she could enlighten me. She also said that whomever I told "f**k off" to was obviously an important person in my life or I would not have gotten upset. Whatever, again! That comment was made to whomever feels like my losses are insignificant. Maybe she was offended because she thought I was talking about her. I wasn't referring to her, but now I am beginning to understand why she was affected by my post. Maybe she is paranoid because that's how she feels and her secret is out. Who knows? I was just pissed that she had the nerve to judge me by how I felt/am feeling. This is MY personal space in the world, where I can say or write or feel ANYTHING I want without having to explain, apologize, or justify my words. The great thing about this blog, is that if you don't like or agree with it you don't have to look at it- simple concept really. I was hurt by her comments.

And by the way, my Mom told me today that this same person was hesitant to come to Sam's birthday balloon release in August (which explains her last minute RSVP) because "isn't that a little much?" (her exact words). That REALLY pisses me off. If it was too much for her to comprehend she didn't have to come. It's not like I asked for birthday gifts, it was a frickin' remembrance ceremony in honor of my son who died. We had a balloon release and had cupcakes which I made and paid for. All she had to do was come and pretend to enjoy herself. How difficult is that to understand? Why is that going overboard, why is that "a little too much"? I hurt and that is how I grieve. I guess because it is different from her type of grieving it must be wrong. How close minded and ignorant must one be? I lost two, 2, dos, a couple (not one, but T-W-O) sons in a span of six months and I am entitled to do whatever I want in order to keep my sons' memories alive and in order to heal. I should not feel compelled to watch what I do or say or feel because she may not approve. How dare she?!!!

Speaking of jerks, my Dad called me today. I was at the hospital with my mom who was having jaw surgery and my phone rang long enough for the caller ID to register it, but I guess he hung up, because there wasn't anyone there and he didn't leave a message. Coward (but I give him props for even thinking about calling). I haven't spoken to my Dad since last August because he said hurtful things to me after Sam died and didn't come to the funeral because he had to work (he's self employed). I don't think he meant them to be hurtful, but they did hurt, and he made no apologies for them. He thought since I was the one that was mad, I should be the one to call him. He'll be waiting a LOOOOOOOng time if he's waiting for that phone call. I have no desire to speak with him. He doesn't even know about my second loss of Jack. I don't even think he knew I was pregnant with him either. It was his choice to not be a part of my life, so I make no apologies for his lack of knowledge or relationship with me.

I'm sick and tired of being in one-sided relationships with people. All my life I have always done for others and given 110% of myself to people just to get knocked down. I remember peoples birthdays anniversaries etc. I send cards, and sometimes gifts, I am thoughtful and considerate. I send out holiday cards every year with thoughtful messages, not just a signature. It's time consuming but it's worth it for me to show my dedication to them. He doesn't even remember my birthday if my brother doesn't remind him. I could easily be forgotten by him if it weren't for my older brother. A person I used to know is the same way. I don't call her a friend because she's not one, but we went to school together and were close for a long while until I realized I was the only friend in the duo. Why? Why do I try so hard and get nothing in return? Why don't I deserve to be special every once in a while? Why don't I deserve to feel important or appreciated? (This is not a feel-sorry-for-me post, I'm just pissed at certain members of my family for not caring even a little bit) It's not fair that I am the only one who finds it important to maintain a communication and respect for people when they could not care less. I feel like an idiot for trying so hard to love and give and it's not even acknowledged.

I am no longer going to try so hard. If you don't like me for me, then you're not worth investing my time in. That is what Sam did for me. He gave me the strength to be myself and to not put up with peoples' crap. He showed me what is really important and I miss him dearly. I'm just saddened that it took losing him to figure that out. Was that my lesson to be learned?

Bunny's New Name

Hazel is the official leader in the poll with a majority vote of 50%. Thank you all for voting on his name. However Mr. H did not approve. He said it was a girl name and it was inappropriate. I kinda agree. I love the name, but since we found out he really IS a boy (I saw his stuff), it doesn't really fit. He likes the name August, and so do I so that is what we will call him. Sorry Lori! We chose the name August because it is a special and bittersweet month for us. This is the month our whole lives changed. It's the month our hearts were shattered and grew back even bigger. It's the month Sam was born in. It's the month Jack was supposed to be born. It's the month we got our bunny. Maybe the month of August doesn't always have to be associated with heartache anymore. We can now think of the month as a new beginning, of love and a new life for our bunny named August.

It's Finally Here

"How are you?"

I get this question quite frequently. When I say 'what do you mean ?' they say 'you know, how are you?' Well, here's how I really am.

I am fine.

That answer is never good enough. Although it is partially true. I feel physically fine other than the fact that I have a bladder infection and I feel like I have to pee all damn day long. I decided to take A.zo (an OTC med to ease the symptoms-it works) and on the label it says it may discolor urine so be sure to take precautions concerning undergarments. I thought nothing of it and completely disregarded that comment. I was completely SHOCKED when I went to the bathroom and the toilet bowl was stained with my orange urine. I pee orange and not because I am a University of Texas fan. It ranges in color through out the day from bright yellow to deep red orange. It's really odd and frankly, creepy. In the morning, I have to turn the light on to take a better look, because I keep thinking I have started my period. I have not.

I have not had a period since July 11th. That's not normal for me. I don't know why I have not started and I should go to the doctor, but I haven't because I don't have a doctor to go to. I quit my doctor because I feel like she let my baby die and I don't want to go back to her. She is a fine doctor, if you are normal, but I am not. My insurance expired and Mr. H and I are getting new insurance, but there is always that waiting period. I now have to find someone else who is willing to care for me and can help me obtain a child.

I want an asterisk by my blog name. On the miscarriage/stillbirth blog site, the blog owners who have children or who are in their subsequent pregnancy after a loss get an asterisk by their names. I want one. I want people who are about to read my blog know that there is life inside me. But there isn't.

I am okay with my friends being pregnant. I am truly excited for them and I can't wait for their babies to be born (because I'm going to steal one on them). In the beginning it was hard to accept, because I wanted to pregnant along with them. They deserve to be parents to living children as much as I do and I wish them the very best. I know it will happen for us, I just wish _______ (fill in the blank).

It is not hard for me to see babies or pregnant women in public. I don't mind it at all because they deserve to have that happiness and I just pray that they never have to go through what I have. They deserve their innocence. I wish I still had mine. It is hard to hear women bitch about their pregnancies. I don't care about your swollen feet, and your indigestion. I wish I had it that bad. I once read that morning sickness was a sign of a good, healthy pregnancy. Maybe that explains why I was never sick. I just thought that God spared me the nausea because he knew what was going to happen and he didn't want me to suffer too much. Ha!

****WARNING***This may be too difficult for some to comprehend and it may offend you. If you are that type, please don't read the rest of this entry****

Speaking of God, I thought he was kind of like Santa Claus. I thought he always knew what you were doing and what you were thinking and feeling. Well then why is it when I prayed to him during my pregnancies, he didn't understand me? I prayed for a healthy baby. How simple is that? I didn't want to be selfish and start requesting stupid shit like the 10 toes, eye color, or the gender. I just wanted a healthy baby. Well I got that. I got two of them. My boys were perfect. They were completely healthy. But they were dead. I guess I forgot to pray about that. I should have been more specific when I prayed to God. Next time I will pray for a normal, healthy, living, breathing on it's own, baby boy or girl (but not a mixed gender) from my own womb that will belong to me and my husband. Oh, and that I will live long enough to live out my dream of being a mother.

Also, miscarriage vs. stillbirth. This is a touchy subject for me. I know technically a miscarriage is a loss of a pregnancy prior to 20 weeks gestation. I fall into this category. A stillbirth is a loss of a pregnancy after 20 weeks. It's simple. But not really. I hate saying that I had a miscarriage because I feel that that term somehow discounts life. Like the loss was not really a child, not really real. Those two babies were very real, they are my children and regardless of when I lost them, it was still a loss of a dream, of hope and of lives that once grew inside me. People hear the term miscarriage and they automatically think that there was a clump of cells in my body that is no longer there and it's no big deal. Like I didn't lose a baby at all. Well let me tell you something, they may have been a clump of cells as you are and I am, but they also had beating hearts and fingers and toes and personalities. They were very much real, only too small to make it on their own. So fuck off and don't look at me like my losses, my clumps of cells, are insignificant.

****Safe to continue reading****

Other than these slight frustrations, I am okay. I am not an angry person. I am not a jealous person (all the time). I smile and laugh daily. I am not depressed. I am sad that my boys did not make it. I think about them everyday, all day. I miss them more than you know and more than I could ever explain. I am hopeful for the future. I know that I am a mother to children who are not here with me and that I will be a mother to other children as well. We will start trying again when it feels right for both of us regardless of the timing. It could be tomorrow, it could be next year. But I think about building a family several times a day and sometimes it hurts. I know ankle biters are in our future somewhere down the line and I can't wait. In the meantime, I am happy with my husband, my furry children and my angel babies. We have a beautiful home and don't want for material things. I have a great supportive family and I am fine.

Karrot Kupcakes for Kristi

My friend Kristi asked for a good cookie recipe, since I had posted a recipe for my dog. How about a good moist cupcake instead? Since it has carrots, it's healthy, right?

1 cup sugar
1/3 cup vegetable oil
2 tbsp. fresh orange juice
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 large eggs
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. salt
3/4 cup plus 2 tbsp. flour
1/4 cup shredded coconut
1 1/2 cups shredded carrots
1/2 cup chopped walnuts or pecans

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a bowl, combine sugar, oil, orange juice, vanilla and eggs. Stir in baking powder, soda, cinnamon and salt. Add the flour and mix. Stir in shredded carrots, coconut and nuts.

Spray a muffin tin with nonstick spray or line with muffin liners. Distribute the batter evenly. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the centers comes out clean, about 25 minutes. Let cupcakes cool then frost generously with cream cheese frosting.

Cream Cheese Frosting

8 oz. cream cheese, at room temp.
1 cup powdered sugar, sifted
1/4 tsp. vanilla extract

In a medium bowl, whisk cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla together til creamy and smooth. Use immediately or store in refrigerator in airtight container.

Autumn's Birthday Cookies (For Dogs)

1 cup rolled oats
1/3 cup butter, softened

1 cup boiling water

3/4 cup cornmeal

1 tablespoon sugar

1/2 cup milk

1 egg, beaten

4 oz. shredded cheese (1 cup)

4 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled

1 tablespoon chicken or beef bullion granules

2 cups white or wheat flour (plus more for kneading)

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Spray cookie sheets with nonstick spray. In a large bowl combine oats, butter and water. Let stand for 10 minutes to soften oats. Stir in cornmeal, sugar, bullion, milk, egg, cheese and bacon. Mix well. Add flour one cup at a time, mixing well after each addition to form stiff dough. Dough will be sticky.

On floured surface, knead dough and add enough flour (1-2 cups) until dough is smooth and no longer sticky. Knead for about 4-5 minutes. Roll out dough to 1/2 inch thickness, cut dough into shapes using your favorite cookie cutter. Place on cookie sheets about 1/2 inch apart. Cookies will not spread.

Bake for 35-50 minutes or until golden brown. Bake time varies depending on the size of your cookies. Cool completely. Place back in hot oven then turn your oven off. Leave cookies in oven for at least 4 hours to remove any moisture in your cookies. If you don't want to do this step, cool cookies and place in airtight container in your refrigerator to reduce spoilage. Makes about 3-4 dozen cookies, depending on size.

Something To Look Forward To

Autumn Turns 3 and Bunny Acts Up

Saturday was my little girls birthday. I call her my little girl, but she is my dog. She is so sweet and if you have dogs, you know they are like second children, only in this case she came first. I love her and spoil her rotten (but she is disciplined) so on her birthday (September 15) I made her doggie biscuits. I made them out of oatmeal, cornmeal, cheese (her favorite) and crumbled bacon. I cut them into bone shapes as well as pumpkins, acorns and fall leaves. Her name is Autumn so it was appropriate. The pictures below are of her acknowledging the cookie I had in my hand, jumping up for it, and eating it. She loved them!

Bunny had to be the center of attention on Autumn's Day (of course). I guess that's what siblings do. Now I have something to look forward to. I woke up Saturday morning to find Bunny's cage a mess. He moved his litter box to the other side of the cage, knocked out half of his litter, and spilled his water all of his cage and the floor. His new trick is to peer over the edge when I open the lid of his cage. He stretches completely out and leans forward. He's going to give me a heart attack. I shoo him back into the cage and he goes right back to the edge. Little daredevil. Here are some pictures I took of him Saturday as I cleaned his cage. He immediately went to the corner to hide behind the box. He kept threatening to jump, so I put his box over him and sentenced him to bunny jail. Do you think he learned his lesson?

LL Bean Wishlist :)

Monica and I are lovers of all things LL Bean. I don't like to spend a lot of money on clothing, and I don't like trendy, overpriced, uncomfortable attire either. That is why I rely on the quality and homey comfort that Leon Leonwood Bean has to offer. This whole thing started because Monica said she wanted a red pea coat from Bean and I happen to own and love that coat :) We've been back and forth talking about our mental wish lists and she sent me hers, so here is mine as well.

My List:

p.12- Fleece Pullover in "Purple Lotus"
p.74- Slippers in "Cayenne/Clear Blue"
p.102- Adirondack Coat in "Claret Red"

p.156- Town and Field Bags in "Tweed"

p.217- Corduroy Coat in "Bramble Berry"

p.220- Mary Janes in "Deep Coffee"

p.229- Supima Cotton Robe in "Larkspur"

p.243- Zip Front Cardigan in "Deep Red"

p.244- Quarter Zip Pullover in "Evening Blue" and Pants in "Black"

(I have a set of their fleece lounge wear and it is so comfy)

p. 249- Cotton Big Shirt in "Black Currant" or "Spruce"

p.277- Cashmere V-Neck in "Saltwater Blue"

Her List:

Monica (A Pregnancy After A Stillbirth) said...
My catalog came too.

p. 17-Chamois shirt in "cayenne"

p.87 Comfort mocs in "cranberry"

p.107 Fleece jacket in "periwinkle"

p. 170 Fleece blanket in "celadon"
p.213 Pea coat in "vintage red"

p. 249 Shirt in "saltwater blue"

p. 259 Corduroy shirt in "silver blue"
p.265 Flannel shirt in "thistle"

p. 267 Oxford shirt in "lake stripe"

p. 276 Cashmere turtle in "lake"

p. 278 Turtle in "pale violet"

OK, that's my list. All I really want is the pea coat. What's your list? _______________________________________________

**If you have the LL Bean Christmas catalog feel free to make your wish list, then all we have to do is send our husbands to this blog site :)

Happy Dreaming!

My Boys- Sam and Jack

It occurred to me that although I write about missing my boys, you don't know much about them as individuals. Here we go.

SAM

Samuel Andrew who we call Sam was born August 15, 2006. We named him after his father and my grandfather who passed away several years ago. Two very special people. This was not the original name we picked out for him, but after seeing him and holding him, we knew he was a "Sam". Sam was born early at 17w1d. He was born at 8:49 am weighing a mere 5.1 ounces. He was 7 3/4 inches long. He looked exactly like his Dad. He was long and almost muscular in his legs and arms. He had a nose that closely resembled his fathers as well. He looked nothing like me. Although he did have my full lips. I bet he would have given great "drool-y" kisses. He had perfectly beautiful feet and toes. In fact, the first part of him that I felt was his foot falling outside of me. He had long slender hands that no one else in my family has. I wonder if he would have been great at playing the piano? He was fully formed only too small to live on his own. He was my first love. I had a normal pregnancy, it was great in fact. I never had a day of morning/noon/evening sickness. I felt great when he was growing inside me. He craved everything I saw on TV. He also really liked chocolate covered peanuts, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and craved T.aco Bell all the time. He was a real healthy eater :) I did have frequent gas and burped all the time, but that's to be expected when you're eating all that stuff. My.lanta was a huge blessing, my husband was grateful for it. On the day of his funeral, we had heart shaped peanut butter sandwiches and chocolate covered peanuts. I will always be grateful to him for teaching his father and I how to love deeper, for showing us the simplicity and beauty of all things around us, and for giving us the strength to continue living. He is my greatest teacher.

JACK

Jackson Robert is our second son, who we call Jack. He is a special blessing and a wonderful younger brother. We always liked the name Jackson, (named after my husband's grandfather- a special man) and Robert is a family name belonging to my husband and my FIL. They are the strongest men I know and it felt appropriate. He was born early at 16w4d on February 21, 2007 at 3:07am, weighing 5.0 ounces. He was slightly longer than Sam at an even 8 inches long. He, once again, looked like his Daddy and older brother only he had my nose and mouth. Every other feature resembled his Dad. He became very photogenic having to take weekly photos and was sentenced to baby jail in my uterus (cerclage) at 12 weeks. He wanted out and finally broke free after 4 weeks. I think he was listening too closely to the dialogue as I watched P.rison Break. We loved watching that show together. He never gave me problems with morning sickness either. Although he thought it funny to give me gas as well. I think they teamed up on that one. He did not like spaghetti which is funny because Sam didn't like lasagna. Those were the only foods during my pregnancy that made me sick. They are not fans of Italian foods (they get that from their father). Jack loved Mexican food, especially the homemade stuff my Grandma would make (tortillas, enchiladas etc.) when she visited. He, too, was a huge fan of T.aco Bell just like his parents and brother. Jack touched our hearts in so many ways. He is teaching us patience and how to love each other. He has allowed me to open my heart and to never take anything for granted. He gives me hope for the future and brings me peace when I need it most. He is my guide to all things beautiful.

Jack's hand print on Mr. H's surgical mask

___________

My love for them grows each and everyday. They have ways of "appearing" throughout my day. When I am down they send out signs to let me know they are here. Butterflies hovering, dragonflies fluttering, bunnies hopping by, the beautiful sunsets, a twinkling star, the spontaneous falling of snow, a bud of new growth. They are life. They are my life. I am blessed to their mother.

Chicken Pot Pie

I love cooking and baking and trying out new recipes, so I decided to add a new label to this blog featuring things I have created in the kitchen. I hope you enjoy and maybe even try out some of the recipes in the future. Kristi (Not What I Expected) was talking about making pot pies and trying to make things in advance to prepare herself before the baby comes. We talked back and forth about making, baking and freezing pot pies, and I had to have one. Here is my very easy and yummy version of chicken pot pie that I made last night.

Chicken Pot Pie

1 pkg. (2 crusts) P.illsbury Roll Out Refrigerated Pie Crust

2 cans cream of chicken soup

2 boneless skinless chicken breasts, cooked and cubed

1 bag frozen vegetables (I used peas, corn, carrots and green beans)

Roll out thawed crust into pie dish. Place half of your chicken in bottom of dish, top with half your veggies and 1 can cream soup. Layer remaining ingredients. Top with additional pie crust (you can do fancy lattice work or simply lay rolled out dough over pie) and crimp the edges to seal in filling. Be sure to make vent holes in your crust if you roll out your top crust. Brush with melted butter or egg wash (optional). Bake on cookie sheet in a preheated 425 degree oven for 60-75 mins.

Rock The Vote

For the whole two people who voted on Bunny's new name, will you vote again? I needed to add a name I forgot to the poll and it made me start over :( This time you can vote for multiple names. How exciting!

Wall of Life

These are their certificates of life we had framed as well some other things that are special to us. There is a cross my mom gave us after Sam was born that says,"Children are a gift of the Lord", a small jeweled cross and a heart of wings. This is in the hallway across from our bedroom so I can look at it everyday and smile as I walk by.
It makes my heart smile :)

It's just a figure of speech...

My little brother (Aaron-12 years old) is staying the weekend with us and he cracks me up. He is currently in the garage helping Mr. H do man stuff (getting sweaty). Aaron came inside to get a box fan and a towel. Here was our conversation:

A: Hey Nana, Mr. H needs a fan and his white towel!

M: Why?

A: Because he's sweating like a dog and it's hot in the attic!

M: Ha!Ha! Aaron, you know dogs don't really sweat right?

A: It's just a figure of speech...

M: Ha!Ha! (still laughing)

A: Grow up Nana!

I had my 12 year old brother tell me to grow up. I think that's funny. He makes me laugh, little twerp (sp?). It also makes me think of the time I made him some homemade cookies (people in my family aren't much into baking), he said, "I like your cookies better, because they're made with warmth and love and the others (store bought) are made by cold, heartless machines". Where does he get this stuff? It makes me laugh just typing it. What a goofball, but I love him. Now, I'm going to go make him some homemade cookies and wait for something funny to blurt out of his mouth. He's a growing boy, he'll appreciate them.

Penguins, Elephants, and Dragonflies Oh My!

HinkaDinka! That's the name of my husband's imaginary friend (when he was a child, not a current friend). I think that is so cute and mighty creative. Now, why can't we think of a name for our bunny. We still call him baby bunny. He deserves a name, but it's just not coming to me. I don't like names like Snowball and Fluffy, and I don't want a name like Max either. I want a name that says something about his personality and why we got him. He's feisty and stubborn, cute and cuddly, playful and really smart. It seems the only names we can think of are really corny and cliche - Marshmallow (not my choice), Brulee', Oatmeal (Oatie for short-because he looks like it and he loves to eat it). I want to call him Finn or Finch after our nurse we had in the hospital who helped deliver Sam and watched over me when Jack was born. Her last name is Finch and I just love her. I don't know...

Also, I'm officially addicted to A.mazon.com. They have everything! I am really into elephants because they remind me of the boys, so I searched for elephants and numerous pages of zoo like fun produced. They have baby bedding titled Animal Antics and I love it and I want it now! It has elephants and penguins and dragonflies on it. Anyone who knows me, knows that is a prize combination. I am not pregnant and I don't know when I will be, but I want this for our future nursery. Some would say that's a little crazy, maybe even risky, but I can't help myself. We never decorated a nursery for the boys, and I want to be able to do that for our future children and personalize it for them when they come. I'm not going to paint the walls a baby pastel, or have the nursery fully decked out before I even get pregnant, but I want to have it and save it for when that special moment arrives. My husband did not tell me I could not order the bedding, but I'm sure he thinks I'm nuts. I have the web page minimized on my computer and I look at it every couple of days just to make sure I still like it. I don't want to make this an impulse purchase, so I'm going to think about it a little longer, then we'll see.