Withered Away

Just like my boys, here one day and gone the next.

Monday:Tuesday:

.

Like my title? That's what we're going to talk about. You could hardly wait, right?

Wednesday: very faint, minuscule amount, though noticeable amount of pink showed up on the tissue.

Thursday: a little longer streak of pink

Friday: small amount (a p.antyliners worth) of old brown stuff showed up.

Saturday: had intercourse to jump-start it. Ooh, another dot of pink!

Sunday: Nothing.

Monday: Nothing.

What the hell? Has anyone ever had a cycle like this? And no, I have not tested, and I'm not going to. Although, I'd love to! I'm not. We have been careful to not get pregnant (wah!) so I don't want to get my hopes up. Any suggestions, thoughts or opinions?

Green With Envy

+= Aparagus Gruyere Tart- mmm!

Busy Bee

I was tagged by Beth at Kindred Hart Photography a couple days ago. There are no exact rules for this meme, but I'm supposed to list 10 things that have been keeping me busy.

1. I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and I am really enjoying it. I highly recommend getting one for yourself and for a friend. I got mine from C.ostco for $9 as opposed to paying full price at the book store. Go get it and read it!
2. I'm still taking care of LD 3-4 times a week. He's a good kid, but he's been a little shit lately. If he doesn't get his way, he attempts to bite- a habit I'm trying to break. And he takes huge drinks of water, but instead of drinking, he opens his mouth and it spills all over his clothes. His mom just changes him when his clothes get soaked. I take away his water.
3. I'm trying to find paint colors for both my bathrooms. All the rooms in our house are "summertime white" I think it was the default color for all the houses in this town. I don't mind white walls because we have colorful furniture and rugs, but the bathrooms could use some color. I want to find a coordinating color for our master bath that looks good with our bedding- a grayed blue green. And a nice cafe au lait/tan/sandy color for our palm tree bathroom. It's been harder than I thought.
4. Of course I've been blogging. It is so time consuming to read, write and comment on almost 40 blogs. If I don't leave comments, it's because I'm overwhelmed by the amount of blogs to read.
5. It's a lot of work to keep my husband fed. He's not picky about what he eats, but to cook and bake for him (almost daily) without getting bored with the same ol' thing takes time and thought and planning.
6. We have a nice home (in my opinion). It's not small, or too big and we are comfortable in it. But our landscaping was a mess! I say "was" because we just had it redone and it looks fabulous. The people who lived here in this house before we moved in 2 and a half years ago planted a whole boatload of stuff. The man of the house, was in charge of landscaping at a huge company in town. So he would have his crew men come to his/our house and plant stuff in the flower beds. There wasn't really any structure, though. He just put stuff in the ground wherever there was empty space. Sounds like a pretty sweet thing, really, but those plants grew and grew and grew-into each other, turning into an overgrown mess. I attempted to "garden" but I don't have a green thumb whatsoever. So we had a landscaping company come out last week to weed, prune and transplant, remove what we didn't want and mulch. I finally feel the the outside matches the inside- pretty.
7. We (when I say "we", I really am only talking about myself) are planning a vacation in June. LD and his mom are going to V.enezuela for 3+ weeks, so I will have time for myself. I have been looking for vacation homes, and things to do in Colorado. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears :-)
8. Obsessing over my skin and keeping it clean. My face still hasn't cleared. Well it did, but it came back. I have gone to the doctor twice (two different doctors) and called once. I have tried 2 creams and an antibiotic. It is definitely better than it was, but it's still yucky. My face was looking really great and clear, but last Saturday we went to the farmer's market and next door they had an Earth day fest. I got some sun and that aggravated things again even though I had sunscreen on. Damn sun.
9. I take pictures almost daily. Whether it's a new growth in the garden, something I made in the kitchen, a recent trip or of the pets doing silly things, I keep my camera close by. I like discovering new angles of everyday things. It's fun and I like sharing with you guys.
10. And of course, I spend a great deal of my time thinking about my boys. I miss them and I dream of them. I hope for them and myself. I grieve them. I wish and hope and dream of a day when I will be okay. When I won't be so sad. When I won't be reminded of what I have lost. And that in itself takes up about 90% of my time.

I tag Monica, Mrs. Muelly, Rachel, Kristi and Becky! I want to know what keeps you ladies busy other than the obvious :-)

A Little Pink For Earth Day

Texas Redbuds (which are really pinkish purple) from bud to bloom.

Revealed

ATTENTION: Before you scroll down or open up your blog reader, be forewarned that there is a beadbaby picture below. I have to post it. I need to. And I make absolutely no apologies for it either. If you don't want to see it, don't read this post.

I have been good. I haven't been overly emotional. I haven't really cried, even at our support group on Thursday night where there were two new couples in the group. Other than the slight, unexpected things that make me sad, I have been okay with my grief. I feel like I'm making progress and I am "growing" into a stronger person. That being said, I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. Let me explain, I often look at the boys pictures. I have them throughout the house, on our entry table, in the office, I have them rotating through our screen saver. I see them all the time. But last night, I was organizing the pictures on our computer into their appropriate folders. I opened up Jack's folder and browsed through them. I was okay looking at them. I opened up Sam's folder and I was okay until I saw a certain picture. A picture that I have seen many, many times. But last night it spoke to me.

And

it

made

me

so

incredibly

sad

and

tearful.

The kinds of tears that fall down like a heavy rain storm, that you can't even breathe through. Tears for the sadness on Mr. H's face and the loneliness in his heart. Tears for the vulnerability in Sam's body. Tears for the helplessness.

And here comes the rain again.

Breaking Bread

Jack's Building

My last few posts have been downers so here's something uplifting. On the way home from Jack's birthday dinner we noticed something special about the building next door to the restaurant. It was dark so I didn't take a picture of it then, but I went back a few days later. Coincidence? I don't think so.This was the sign in the window telling about the store location. It was a general store, furniture and undertaking, a cafe, an auto shop, a glass shop, a pet shop and a toy store. Interesting history huh? You can click on any of these pictures to enlarge them. This was the old mosaic tile on the floor in the entryway. And a picture of the drainage system just because it was neat. In my last post I was upset at seeing Jack's name on a bib for sale at WS. It just caught me off guard because I wasn't in that mindset. Whenever I see the boys names anywhere, I take a picture or cut it out because it reminds me of them, but seeing a bib with an embroidered name on it just made me realize what I was missing. I didn't expect that emotion while looking for spatulas on sale.

Constant Reminders

I came across a bib with Jack's name embroidered on it while perusing the sale section at W.illiams S.onoma. Cooking stuff doesn't have anything to do with babies, or so I thought. I can't seem to escape the everyday reminders. Will it ever end?

This sucks.

Make A Wish

I'm feeling a little better than I was in the last post. I do have to say that I love my aunt and I think she's a big-hearted person. We are just so different in how we do things and I forget that she's not me and I'm not her. My grandma (despite what I feel) is not suffering and if she needs anything they are there to assist her. They wouldn't take care of her the way I would, but she'll be fine. I have to let it go. I can't keep stressing about something I have no control over.

* * *

Several months ago a friend (from a support group) announced to me she was pregnant. While we were having lunch, I commented that I liked her necklace. Well little did I know that she had one for me! The necklace she was wearing was a wishing necklace. You're supposed to make a wish, then put it on. The charm that hangs from the linen/silk thread will fall off after several weeks of wear, then your wish is supposed to come true. She made a wish, then found out she was pregnant. It works right?

I hesitated to put it on right away. I felt like I needed to make my wish "good"- as opposed to a not good wish??? I treated it as if it were my last dying wish and I didn't want to waste it. I didn't want to be selfish or obvious in my wish, so I took time (several more weeks) to really think about it. It had to be perfect. On the day my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer, I pulled that wishing necklace out of it's shiny pouch and made a wish. I cried a good wet cry and said a prayer and put that necklace on. I don't like things around my neck when I sleep so I opted to put it on my wrist instead. After a couple months, the angel on the faded blue thread around my wrist fell off in the shower. I heard the subtle clink on the tub floor, but I didn't realize what it was. I stepped out of the shower and was drying off, I turned around and saw something tiny and silver next to the drain. It was my angel. And my wish did come true.

The topic of making wishes on inanimate things reminds me of my aunt (a different one than the one discussed in the last post). You know those "getting to know you" emails that everyone forwards to you where you're supposed to answer simple questions about yourself like your lucky number and what color your bedrooms walls are painted... Those annoying things you feel obligated to forward to everyone on your email list. Anyway, one of the questions on the list was "Do you wish upon stars?" My aunt said "no".

Wha??? I understand not buying a piece of jewelry to make a wish upon. But a star? Those are free! Why wouldn't you wish upon a star? I thought everyone did that. You know "Star light, Star bright, First star I see tonight, Wish I may, Wish I might, Have this wish I wish tonight" I am in disbelief. Or maybe she is.

Stars, a loose eyelash, a piece of jewelry, birthday candles, a penny in a fountain or a wishing well. What do you wish upon?

Burdened

Today has been frustrating to say the least. Not the entire day, just a good portion of it. I didn't post right away, because I thought this post would turn into a total bitch fest and I didn't want that. Don't be disappointed, there's still plenty of bitching going on here, but much less than if I had started writing earlier this evening. I have allowed myself plenty of time to cool off, now here I am.

I have an aunt (who is a few years older than me) who still lives at home with my grandparents. This is her decision and my grandparents don't seem to have a problem with it...so my opinion isn't really necessary here. She now has a new boyfriend and she is completely smitten with him. She has spent most of her adult life single or with men who were not so good for her. Because she found this new guy who she's been dating for a few months, she spends a lot of time with him. I think this is great for her. She needs to move out and get a life of her own (and I said I wouldn't insert my opinion here...ha!).

Anytime anyone has ever hassled her about still living at home, she says she's there to take care of her parents. My grandparents never really needed taking care of, but since my grandma is an emotional wreck, she needs someone there at all times. She may say she can do things by herself, or she wants to be alone, but that only leads to depression and more crying. I (and others in the family) think that she still lives at home, because she has it made in the shade. 95% of her meals are prepared for her by my grandmother, her laundry is done for her by my grandmother. Her sheets are washed for her (until this said boyfriend started spending the night and my grandma finally put her foot down and said she wouldn't do it anymore). The house is cleaned by my grandparents (sometimes she helps out with dusting and dishes but she has to be asked to do it). My brother lives with them too and granted he should probably live on his own too, but at least he pays a huge portion of their bills.

My aunt just quit her job a couple weeks ago. She was unhappy and her working situation was less than ideal. So she quit. This seemed to have happened at just the right time since Grandma was going to need help with cooking, cleaning and other stuff around the house. She even said that now she would have more time to be with her mom. Well the entire time we were there to visit her, she never lifted a finger to help out my Grandma. And when we asked her to, she said she'd have plenty of time to do all those things after we left. We left on Sunday and it's now Thursday. She spent the last 2 days with her boyfriend. Which means, she took care of Grandma for 2 days, then took 2 days off. WTF?

She called me today while I was working and asked me to call Grandma because she was upset and couldn't find any clothes that didn't make her look flat. I would love to help her, but I am 9 hours away. What am I going to do from here? And why isn't she there with her to help her with these things? She said she was on a job interview and was working on her resume. That's great, but I thought she was there to take care of her parents. Apparently not. I couldn't get a hold of anyone to call my Grandmother, so I called my Mom. My Mom is a hard ass and she can be rude at times (most of the time), but her intentions are usually good. She texted my aunt and said this "Why are you in "A" when Mom needs you at home? Is your boyfriend or your alleged job hunting more important? I think you need to rethink your priorities" She (my aunt) responded by saying "For your information I'm about to go into a job interview. Mom is my priority unlike everyone who left" I don't care if they want to exchange words between them, but I don't understand why she had to drag us all in it. Why did she have to imply that we didn't care and Grandma wasn't our priority because we had to go back to our homes and our jobs and our families? That pisses me off. My Grandpa asked her to not look for a job so soon because he needed help at home. I guess she realized she would actually have to "care" for someone other than herself and she'd rather work instead.

I called my Grandma when I got off work and she was upset. Not because she couldn't find anything to wear for her upcoming appointment, but because we were all ganging up on my aunt. We were being hateful and rude and my aunt didn't deserve that. According to my Grandma my aunt does a lot for her. And I'm sure she does a lot of things for my Grandma when we're not there, but she shouldn't be doing laundry and cooking and emptying out her own grenade by herself. She needs help damn it and the person who should be stepping up isn't. Before I left, I gave my aunt a hug and said "Take care of her." Her response without hesitation was "I don't have a choice."

I could go on and on and on about this aunt's attitude and the bad taste she left in my mouth, but I won't. I just feel sad because I feel like my Grandma is the one getting gipped.

Recovery

I came home last night to an immaculate house. Mr. H missed me and worked his butt off this week to make things perfect for me. He bought a hammock stand for the hammock we got over Christmas and put it together. He hung up a rack we got from I.kea for our laundry room. He vacuumed three times, dusted, mopped, gave Autumn a bath, washed the sheets, did several loads of laundry, mowed the lawn and detailed my car inside and out. Everything is spotless and it makes me so happy to know that he did it all for me. Thank you honey so very much. On top of all that, he bought me a laptop! Am I spoiled or what? I asked for one for Christmas, but didn't get one. I figured we'd get one in the future, so I was absolutely surprised to come home to one. I love it- and I'm typing on it right now!

My grandma's surgery went well- kind of. She actually had to have two surgeries. She went in on Tuesday morning and had the mastectomy. Everything went well and she was out of surgery by 10:30 am. She went to recovery and then to her room. She opted to do reconstruction on her breast. This means that they had to completely remove her breast, nipple, and a few lymph nodes. This turned out to be a blessing because the pathology report stated that there was another cluster of cancerous cells in her breast that they missed. Had they done another lumpectomy, she would still have cancer. I am pleased to announce that she is cancer free!!!!! Back to the reconstruction, after they removed this breast tissue, they had to scrape the muscle off her ribs. Then they placed an expander under the muscle. The expander will be filled with fluid every two weeks until the breast is the desired size. This process could take up to a year. It will slowly stretch out the skin so the expander can be removed and the implant can be placed. They will then reconstruct the remaining breast so it matches the new one. I asked if she would have a nipple and they said that they would gather the excess skin to form a nipple, then they would tattoo on an areola to match the other. How cool is that? My grandma is going to have a tattoo! That's bad ass!

They placed a drainage tube under the muscle to drain any excess blood and fluids. She was filling up her "grenade" (a plastic holding container that holds approximately 4 oz.) every hour. The doctor was concerned with the amount of fluid that was draining out of her. She examined her at about 5pm and noticed that her chest was swollen and was bleeding internally. They took her back into surgery at about 9:30pm and she didn't come out of recovery until about 1:30am Wednesday morning. They didn't find what was causing her to bleed, but they removed the excess blood and stitched her back up. She stayed in the hospital until Friday at noon. She's now filling up her grenade about one and a half times a day, which is great. The amount of fluid will decrease daily until the tube is removed after 10 days. She's okay physically, as she is on pain killers and muscle relaxants every 4-6 hours, but emotionally she is a mess. She is distraught over her appearance and cries every time she is awake. The medication has her sleeping about 16 hours a day, and when she wakes up, she's just sad. I so wish I could take away her pain and sadness. I know one day she will be okay, but it will take time, and even then she will never be the same. It's times like this, I wish I could speed up the clock.

I'm glad I'm home, but I wish I could still be with her to take care and comfort her. Thanks everyone for all your support and well wishes. My grandma and I appreciate them more than you know.