Wordless Wednesday- Coat

(at Ralph Lauren in Durango)

Conversation in Aisle #8

I don't mop. I never have.

Well, no I take that back, I have mopped a handful of times in my entire life (mostly with a sponge mop and once with a string mop) and several other times by hand or with a Swiffer, but I don't like to mop. It's labor intensive and well, boring.

Mr. H mops...or he tries to :-) No, he does a good job, but he hasn't found a mop he really likes yet (is that possible?). We wants a janitor supply mop and bucket and I refuse to let him buy one. Where would we put it? We're not mopping an auditorium, so I don't really see the need.

He wanted a "real" mop, not the sponge based ones that I recommended. So, when I went to visit my grandmother, he bought a "real" mop. But now he doesn't like it, because it's hard to wring out and rinse (uh, yeah, that's why I recommended the sponge variety!). So I told him they made "real" mops that had a self wringing feature to them. He grew curious and we went to go check them out.

We went to W@l-Mart to get a few things and stopped to look at mops. As Mr. H was inspecting the different types of mops (and I was standing around looking disinterested) a man came up behind us.

He says to Mr. H in his foreign accent: "Is that a good one?"
Mr. H shrugs his shoulders and says: "I don't know."
The man looks at me and says to Mr. H: "Well she's a woman shouldn't she know?"
Me (while glaring): Phssst. I.DON'T.MOP.

How rude!

We left the aisle with me cursing the man and didn't get a mop. Do you have a favorite or know of a good one?

I Saw The Sign

We're here:

Licence Plate:

Street Sign:

Tractor Crossing:

"STUFF" For Sale:

Mechanic Shop (one of our nicknames for Autumn):

Worms for Sale:

Tire Store Building:

Can you tell the two apart?

A Law Office:

A Medical Office:

Going Home:

Home At Last!

Please disregard the last line of this sign- we are not all proud!

Wordless Wednesday- Eyes

Life In The ER

Bunny had his first trip to the ER this weekend.

At about 2 am Sunday morning, he started wheezing. At first I thought he was just mad at something (Autumn) and was making funny noises. If he feels threatened or if we change his towel out when he doesn't want it, he grunts. But we listened and it sounded like he was coughing.

Mr. H rushed over to check on him and he was still wheezing. He was sitting in the corner of his cage in his litter box, still. He picked him up and he could feel and hear a rattle in his chest. He looked to be struggling for air. He had a long string of mucus hanging from his nose and mouth and I immediately panicked.

I thought he was going to die.

Mr. H held him while I looked up an emergency clinic in the area. We knew of one, but they don't see "exotic animals" (rabbits) so they referred us to a different clinic over 15 miles away. There wasn't anything closer and I feared he would stop breathing on the way over there.

I held him wrapped up in a blue gray cotton towel and held him close to my chest the whole way there. We drove about 90 mph the whole way there til we got pulled over by a patrol. We told her it was an emergency and she let us go, only because she had taken a dog there to the same hospital that was hit by a car earlier in the day.

I kept listening to his breathing and he sounded fine. He wasn't in shock or distress. He just wanted to look outside the window. We got to the ER and they took him to triage. They assessed him and didn't see or hear anything wrong. They think it was just a mucus plug that he needed to get out. Since it was a first time occurrence, they didn't want to put him on antibiotics. Apparently, the antibiotics can upset their stomach, cause vomiting, diarrhea and appetite loss. They suggested x-rays of his lungs if we wanted them ($170). But they were pretty sure this was just a one time thing. They have a prescription on file if we need it, so we just have to watch him closely.

All I could think of was that he was going to die and this was God's way of telling me I wasn't meant to have boys.

But he is fine.

A Little Secret

I have a lot of little secrets whirling around in my head, but I'm afraid of being judged so I don't say anything.

How about you? Now is your chance to say what you want without holding back. There are a couple rules though:

1). ALL secrets must be ANONYMOUS! You may reveal anything you like- something tragic and sad, funny and humiliating, dark or light. ALL secrets small and large are welcome.

2). Don't judge or make cruel comments about anyone's secret.

That's it! Now let loose and have a good weekend!

Edited to Add: BTW, I don't know how to check IP addresses so all secrets will remain anonymous!

My New Mantra

Trying

Thank you to each and every one of you who commented on my last post. Thank you for supporting me through all this yuckiness, that is currently my life.

I'm not going to stop blogging. That was never my intention. From this moment on, I'm going to *try* to write from the heart, unapologetically. I just feel/felt that my initial "support system" of fellow bloggers is gone and I need you guys. People IRL don't get it! Sometimes I feel you're the only ones I can turn to because you do. This blog has saved me (and Mr. H) from my own self. I'd be lying if I said I only wrote for myself. I write for you guys too. I write because I feel better after releasing those emotions that get all bottled up. I write/read/comment to support y'all through whatever it is you're going through. I try anyway.

It's kind of crazy, but I feel that even in blogland, I don't have a place. Some would say it was just my insecurities, but my opinion is valid. Have you ever noticed that when someone has a loss, everyone is there to comfort them and offer kinds words? Or when someone gets pregnant, everyone is thrilled and offers words of encouragement? When they have a baby, people come out of the wood work to ogle and say how cute your baby is and tell you what a wonderful mother you are? But when you're in the in-between stages, it's almost as if you don't have an identity. And people get tired of supporting a "whiny-woe-is-me-grieving-deadbaby-mama". I know you will NEVER admit it, but I know you're thinking I should move on. I almost deleted that last line, but I'm trying my best to say how I feel, without holding back.

J said that as long as I was making plans towards becoming a momma, that I was progressing. But there are no plans being made. There is no talk even of TTC. Mr. H gets frustrated with me when I bring it up. So I *try* not to because I don't want to upset him. I don't want him frustrated with me and vise versa. He knows how badly I want a baby, though he doesn't understand it. He may never understand. I will go several days when I don't even mention TTC, or babies and I know he's thinking he's off the hook. I know he's hoping I somehow forgot about my desires to have a baby. I bet he sighs a big sigh of relief when I don't "bring it up".

And this is another reason why I don't say what I want. Because I don't want y'all to think my husband is an asshole. He's not. He's the only person I'd ever want to be my husband and I love him with all my heart. But sometimes he pisses me off and that's when I need to blog. I need to blog about him when I'm frustrated, but I don't want anyone to judge him either. I know some people judge people by their actions or their words even if it's second hand knowledge and they don't even know the person. Hell, I do that. But I don't want anyone to think he's being insensitive or selfish. I know why he is the way he is. He was raised that way and he too has lost two babies. I am not alone in my grief or my desires/needs. He feels them too, just at different times and in different ways. Please keep that in mind and be kind.

* * * * * * * * * *
Today is the 15th. That means I have exactly one month before Sam's 2nd birthday and it's stressing me out. I want to do something special for him- to honor him. But everything I think of is not good enough for him. I know whatever I decide to do is really for me and Mr. H because he'll never be here to see or enjoy it, but still I feel the need to do something. To show the world how much I love and miss my son.

**Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions to honor Sam on his birthday? I'm running out of ideas (all thoughts and ideas are welcome even if you have never had a baby or a loss). What did you do for your baby on their birthday/anniversary? Please, I need help!**

Bleeding Heart

I'm not sure what to do with this blog anymore. I don't feel like I'm writing for me anymore. I don't feel like I can say what I want or need to. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be felt sorry for. I don't want to upset anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to worry anyone with my feelings or thoughts. But I feel like I'm censoring myself.

I don't feel like my words are enough. They're not entertaining enough. They're not sad enough. They're not happy enough. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I'm not pregnant. I'm not close to becoming pregnant. I don't have a baby to dote on. I don't feel like I belong anymore.

I feel everyone around me is moving on. And I am standing still.

I am standing still.

Bundle of Boy

Please head on over to see the new bundle of boy, Wannabe Mom has brought home. He is absolutely beautiful and I'm so glad he has safely entered this world. Congrats!

Wordless Wednesday- Grave

It's Complicated

And no I'm not talking about this lovely bit of reality TV.

I'm talking about my grandma and her surgery last week. I spoke to her on Friday and she was in a great mood and feeling fine. She was laughing and watching I Love Lucy reruns while I was talking to her on the phone. It was so good to hear her laugh. It's been a long time since I've heard that. A long time since it was sincere.

She slept most of the day Saturday and was not feeling well, but never said anything to anyone. She started to run a fever (102) and her breast started to hurt and swell. In the wee hours of the night she started to call for help because she just couldn't hide her pain anymore. My aunt called her doctor (who is out of the country) and was referred to a different doctor who took off for the weekend to Mexico. She ended up getting a different doctor (who apparently was HOT!) to care for her.

He ran tests to check for infection. Put her on antibiotics and admitted her to the hospital for two nights. She should be going home tomorrow depending on her progress. When they inserted the drainage tube last week, they put in a smaller gauge tube than her previous surgery. They didn't expect much fluid to drain from her incision so they put in a smaller tube. Well what happens when she lays down is the fluid doesn't drain at a steady pace and when she gets up it drains but clots. (it's kind of like when you're on your period and you go to sleep. When you get up in the morning, it all wants to come out all at once). Except, the fluid and blood solidifies into tiny, sometimes stringy beads. You have to squeeze them out and work them down the tube into the vessel. We think this has happened. And the fluid is not draining out of her body, resulting in swelling. Retained fluid resulting in infection and infection resulting in an overnight stay at the hospital an hour away from home.

I've called her a couple times and she was asleep. I spoke to my grandfather (who never really says much and always forgets to pass on messages) about my grandma and he said he'd call later to update me. He didn't, so I don't know anything more. I just hope and pray that she gets better. This is way too much for anyone to deal with. God, I hate cancer.

* * * * * * * * * *
While you're here, please visit Erica. She is a mother of two young boys who got into a minor car accident earlier in the year. She was going to physical therapy and was having constant headaches. Her doctors discovered she had cancer at the base of her skull. Soon after, they did surgery on her brain, neck and spine. She still doesn't have feeling on her left side of her body. She is in pain constantly and can't take care of and play with her children like she'd like to. She never complains about anything, but I know it must be so hard. Please pray the cancer is all gone (she has an appt. on Wednesday). Just stop by to give her a few words of encouragement. Have I mentioned I hate cancer?

Also visit JGirl. She lost a son last year at 16 weeks (?). She got pregnant earlier this year and had an early miscarriage. She is pregnant again at just over 11 weeks. She had an emergency u/s today because she was bleeding and they think he has a subchorionic hemorrhage. Please visit her and offer her some supportive words. She could sure use some friends and your prayers right now.

Sometimes when you feel like you have no control, always remember there's still hope. I hope.

Happy Birthday!

* * * * * I love you Momma! * * * * *

Dandelions: Before & After

Happy Independence Day!

Thinking of you and you.

The 3rd on the 2nd

Today was my grandmother's 3rd surgery.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, she had a lot of dead tissue and wasn't healing properly. She was in pain and was having to constantly nurse her open wound.

When she had the first surgery (lumpectomy) in February, the breast tissue was "weak" so they had to use filler tissue called fascia. I believe it's lab grown tissue, but I'm not completely positive. They stitched the fascia into her other tissue hoping it would grow into one cohesive mass. It did.

In April (mastectomy) they placed an expander in her breast. The idea was for the breast/incision to heal, then they would expand the breast over a years amount of time into the size she desired or until it matched the other breast. It's been 5 months since her first surgery and 3 months since the last. And she still has an open non-healing wound! Until today...

The surgeon wanted to close her wound, so she went back in for a minor surgery today. They removed the dead/damaged tissue and closed the wound. When they were in there, they realized the expander was growing into the fascia and that's what was causing her pain. They had to remove the expander altogether.

She is currently at home and recovering, yet again. I was worried that she would be upset about not having the expander in. She was really upset (and understandably so) about not having her breast. The expander was the only thing that was keeping her sane because she knew at the end of all this, she would have a breast again. Without the expander there, she can't do that.

She has the option of placing the expander back in after she has totally healed from today's surgery. But that means ANOTHER surgery and I don't know if she's up for that.

I'm just glad that she's okay. That she's still alive.