Trusting

I found this at Hallmark a couple weeks ago while I was looking for a gift for my mom. I read it and knew it was going home with me.

This statement has been one of the hardest things for me to accept. Because I don't understand why this is my struggle. I don't know why I am where I am, but I have to trust that it's all part of a bigger plan.

I keep this on my night stand and I read it before going to bed and again when I wake up. "Trust God, You are exactly where you are meant to be."

I'm trusting God and believing this is the truth.

Where ever you may be, however you may be feeling. I wish you all a peaceful and beautiful Christmas.

Many blessings to you,
Monica

Hope

I came across a quote that I scribbled on a yellow notepad a couple years back. I stashed it away and came across it this weekend while looking for something that I never found. Perhaps this is what I was looking for and didn't know it.

"When the night is cloudy, I still believe in stars,
Even when the darkness blocks the light.
They're shining out like beacons on the other side of hope.
You can see them when you hold your heart just right."

- Selia Qynn

When One Thought Leads To Another

This just happened.

I just went to bed. I lay there trying to clear my mind.

I started to think about coffee, which reminds me of a drive-thru shop in the neighboring town.

The coffee shop reminds me of the ceramic shop. I haven't painted pottery in over a year...maybe two.

I see myself sitting at the table with a full pregnant belly.

I am painting a name plate for the nursery.

The color paint is pink, and her name is "Layla".

When A 4 Year Old Makes You Cry

I love my job. I love the kids I nanny for. Sure, I bitch sometimes about it but who doesn't complain about their job from time to time? I think mostly the reason I complain is because I think they take their kids for granted. But my reproductive path is very different from theirs, so I can't expect them to understand. I can only hope they'd be sympathetic and considerate of my feelings and for the most part they do and are. But sometimes it's the ones you least expect to hurt you that do.

I'm talking about the little one-- the 4 year old. Actually, he's not quite 4, but he will be in a couple weeks. I picked him up from school last Friday and he was in a good mood. He was happy and thrilled that when he got home he was going to get to decorate cupcakes for his early Halloween party. But somewhere between driving from school to home, he got snarky. He said I couldn't come to his party unless I wore a costume. Whatever.

Then he said that he didn't invite me to his party and that I couldn't come. Again, whatever. I told him that he was being rude and he should be nice to me since I was going to help him decorate the cupcakes. He then got loud with me and said that he wanted his mom to decorate the cupcakes and that since I wasn't invited I should drop him off and go home. His words... "Just drop me and leave". He repeated it several times and I finally raised my voice and told him that he was being rude and he should have a little more respect for me. It was like talking to a teenager- in one ear and out the other.

His response was "Just drop me, talk to my mom and leave Monica. I didn't invite you to my party. My friends and their moms are coming, that's all. You're not a mom so you can't come."

And that's where I sat there in silence and a little piece of me died inside. I was angry and hurt. So I got to his house, unloaded him from his car seat and gave him stuff and got back in the car...ready to leave. He cried because he was afraid I was going to leave him. Was I acting childish? Absolutely. How else do you reason with a 4 year old at a time like that? It wasn't until I got home and told Mr. H about it that I broke down.

"You're not a mom so you can't come" Words mumbled by a 4 year old that hurt me to my core. It brings tears to my eyes just typing those very words.

I AM A MOTHER DAMNIT!

Godspeed

Everytime I hear this song from the Dixie Chicks, I think of the boys. I have been meaning to share this for a long time, so hear it is.
___________________________________________

Godspeed

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

A Birthday Card For Sam

A couple days ago Sophie from A Loner, Dottie, A Rebel sent me this card that she made for Sam's birthday using images of his birthday flowers and footprints. I just thought it was too sweet not to share with you.

Thank you Sophie for thinking of my Sam!

Sam's 4th Birthday

I intended to share Sam's birthday photos with you sooner, but a couple days after his birthday on August 15th, our bunny died and that set me back a bit. I then got really sick for about 2 1/2 weeks but I'm finally feeling better. Here are a few photos from Sam's day.

Kristi sent me these pretty cupcake liners for my birthday (thanks Kristi!) so I utilized them for Sam's cupcakes. I thought they were fresh and fun and Summery, perfect for the hummingbird cupcakes that went in them. I chose hummingbird cake because it's a sweet fruity (pineapple and banana) cake and I thought it was something a 4 year old might like. I'm not totally sure if he would have liked them or not, but I know he would have eaten all that frosting on top of that cupcake! If you'd like the recipe, you can go here.

We sang Happy Birthday to Sam at the cemetery, but after I made these, I stuck a candle in it and sang to him all by myself in the kitchen.



Earlier in the day, I picked up fresh flowers for Mr. H's grandparents as well as for Sam and Jack. We visited each one individually and took them bouquets of flowers. The flowers above were chosen just for the boys. When I went to the grocery store to pick them out, the lady was super helpful. I told her I was needing bouquets to take to the cemetery, and she let me look in their walk-in cooler for the flowers they had just received so I could get the freshest pick. We chatted back and forth for a bit then she asked me who I was honoring and I told her I was taking them out to my sons. She smiled and got quiet and never said anything else after that. I browsed for several more minutes, then smiled and thanked her for her help.

Mr. H's parents joined us at the cemetery for a balloon release. Not one other family member called us on that day (or any other day). I was disappointed and felt like he was forgotten. But I thank my in-laws for asking about his day and wanting to be involved in our plans. I also have some really wonderful friends that either called, emailed or visited them at the cemetery- I love you guys!

After we wrote messages on our 4 balloons, we released them into the sky where they took off! It was interesting to see them soar into the vast blue sky, but remain together. We said our goodbye's, shed a couple tears that blended in with the sweat running down our faces, then we went to dinner at one of my favorite cafes. Afterwards we went home and had those yummy cupcakes.

All in all, it was a beautiful day.

Happy 4th Birthday Sam. We love you!

August's Story

It's been a week to the hour since our sweet bunny, August died. It seems like forever ago yet it's still so fresh in my mind.

I've mentioned before that he had respiratory issues. Over the last three years we've made several emergency vet visits late at night. We've shed tears because we worried about him and we feared we'd lose him. But he kept on truckin'. He always did. He'd have an "episode", where he's produce extraneous amounts of mucus, he'd gasp for air, he'd clear it, then he'd be fine and act as normal as could be. It was baffling.

A few weeks ago he started hacking, we checked on him and instead of clear mucus it was dark green, like spinach. He rushed him to the vet at 2 am, and the vet said it looked like stomach contents and diagnosed him with having reflux disease. Alright then. As always, once he did his thing, he was fine. Last week started off the same. I held him in my lap, stroked his soft fur, whispered in his ears and gave him kisses on his head. His heart rate was elevated but he seemed okay.

Then all of a sudden mucus started coming from his nose, he was gasping for air, then he started kicking, he began to thrash and tried to escape me. We tried to calm him down and hold him still because we didn't want him to hurt himself. He kicked off of me, scratched my neck, so I gave him to Mr. H. He tried to contain him and he did the same thing. I took him back and as he kicked, he fell onto the floor, which was only a foot and a half off the ground.

I worriedly picked him up, only to find that he was no longer kicking but eerily still. He was still breathing at a rapid rate, but his body seemed lifeless. I began to panic and cry. I just knew he was dying. Mr. H called the ER vet and they told us to bring him in. We scurried around the house, with him swaddled in our arms, trying to get our shoes on. I was freaking out and beside myself. Mr. H was holding him as he took his last breaths. He was gone.

It just happened so fast. It was/is so surreal. We knew one day he'd pass, but we never thought it would happen this early. He was only 3 years old. Of course this all brings me back to loss and the boys. And how I'm convinced that we're not meant to have boys and how they all seem to die on us. I feel like I've let him down. I know that his death was not my fault and I don't blame myself but I feel like I should have been able to do something for him.

We got August after the boys died because bunnies just reminded us of them. He brought us so much joy and laughter. He was such a spas but he was a sweetheart. He definitely had a personality and we will miss his quirkiness and his super soft, fine hair that stuck to everything. He helped fill a void in our lives and put smiles back on our faces. He was more than a pet and we miss him so much.

RIP August

Our bunny died unexpectedly this morning around 2:45am. We are deeply saddened and miss him terribly.

August

8/25/07 - 8/18/10

Four

Happy 4th Birthday Sam!

Non-Existent Future

I can't believe it's August already. I prefer Fall and Winter over this intense heat that we're having and I can't wait for the cooler weather to get here, however this heat is a reminder of Sam. He was born on one of the hottest days in our area in August 4 years ago. I don't necessarily associate the heat with him, but when I think of leaving the hospital without him I am reminded of it and how suffocating it all is.

Sam's 4th birthday is in 12 days. I all of a sudden feel strange calling it his "birthday" because he's not 4. Yes, it is his day of birth and yes, he would be 4 this year...perhaps it's the 4th anniversary of his birth??? Or just Sam's Day. Period.

We got an e-vite for Mr. H's cousin's birthday this coming weekend. He is turning 4 and is having a T.ransformers pool party. yay. I've written about this boy before and I refer to him as our shadow baby. He is where Sam should be. I don't usually think of this boy throughout the year, but when his birthday rolls around every August, I wonder about what should/could have been. I just can't go to this party. If he were having a BBQ party at the park just because, or if they invited us over hotdogs and cupcakes on a Tuesday, I'd have no problem seeing him, But you call it a 4th birthday and I go into panic mode.

In fact I was telling Mr. H about the e-vite and told him that we wouldn't stay, but that we'd drop off a birthday gift for him and within seconds my heart was beating faster and my stomach started to churn. Not a good idea. the thought of it was okay but as soon as I said it I panicked. I think I'll email his cousin and let her know that we can't make it but that we'll drop off a gift earlier in the week.

I don't even think I could handle seeing a group of 4 year olds playing together. It's just too much. I'd look at them and wonder how tall Sam would be. Would he be potty trained yet? Would he know how to swim? Would he tan easily like his dad or would he burn like his momma? Would his hair get lighter in the sun? Would it get wavy when wet? Would he jump in the pool and yell "Mom, look at me!"? When he got out of the pool would he give me wet sloppy hugs? Would his thick eye lashes clump together when wet emphasizing his big brown eyes like his Dad's? Would he get blue frosting all over his face turning his lips blue? Would he get jealous over the birthday boy's new Buzz Light Year? Would he beg me for one until he got one for his birthday? I can only wonder.

Do you think we'll still be like this when they start school? Or turn into teenagers? Or when they are of legal driving age? Will we resent all the graduates when our babies should have walked that stage too? How long does this go on? When this kid turns 30 years old, will I still be thinking of Sam and what he would be like? Will I be wondering if he was married or had a family? Will I be thinking about the career he should have had? When does this stop?

Sierra's Story

Yesterday, we lost a dear friend. Her name was Sierra.

Sierra was a Black Lab/Rottweiler mix. The Rotty in her made her tough and she never put up with any bull from other dogs, but her heart was so kind. She was often referred to as "Big Puppy" and even though she was over 16 years old, she was indeed a puppy at heart. A puppy with incredibly soulful brown eyes. I want to share some pictures of her with you and hopefully by the end of this blog post, you'll get an idea of the "huggy bear" that she was.

Mr. H and his parents got Sierra when she was about 6 months old. She was, as her name implies, born in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. She was owned by a fireman who couldn't keep her and by way of his father, she made her way to Texas and into our family. I didn't meet Sierra until she was about 6 years old. She was indeed an Alpha female, but she welcomed me with wet nose kisses from the very beginning.

Meeting Autumn was a different story though. I don't think she ever felt threatened by Autumn, she was just annoyed by her. ha! Autumn was 11 years younger than her and she could run laps around her- and she did. She was ALWAYS kissing all over her and wagging her tail in her face. They seemed completely opposite, but mostly it was because of their age difference. Autumn has more energy than she knows what to do with and Sierra was always calm and just wanted to chill. Sierra quickly realized that Autumn wasn't going anywhere and she accepted her. She even began to enjoy her company and would look forward to coming over to our house to play. When we'd go over there Autumn would run into every room looking for her friend until she found her and she greet her with wet kisses. Towards the end, it was as if seeing Autumn gave her a little more energy. She seemed a little more lively and she was comforted by her presence. Autumn was so sweet with her too. She was gentle and careful to walk around without disturbing her. She was tender and caring and so affectionate towards her. She was very concerned about her friend.

She was never a cuddly dog, nor was she a prissy thing. When she was little she'd play with a tennis ball or two, but she couldn't be bothered to play with toys or squeaky stuffed animals- she was too cool for that. She was independent and could do everything on her own. She didn't need to be kissed and rubbed to feel loved. Of course she did LOVE to have her rump scratched and if you stopped, she circle back around until your hand wound up on her back end so you'd could continue to give her some lovin'. If you wanted to rub her soft as silk ears, she was okay with that too.

'Sweet' was her middle name... as long as you didn't get between her and her chew bone :-) It was always funny too see her and Autumn be so territorial over their chews. Then they'd give up the act and switch chews and head in different directions to devour them. Sierra was a little bully though so if she wanted Autumn's chew then she'd get it. Autumn was happy to give it up- anything for her friend.

She was a great traveller and loved to ride around in the back of their SUV. She had her own ramp to help her get in the truck but she had a routine. First she's like to go around the front of the truck then make her way to the back- all on her own time. I had the opportunity to travel with her to Durango and to Santa Fe over the years and she was just as interested in getting out of the truck, taking potty breaks and exploring as much as we were. She was just as happy riding to the doggy park to let loose and chase squirrels too.

Sierra also loved my baking. One of the first things I ever baked when I got together with Mr. H was homemade vanilla wafers. I took the time to stack them and roll them in plastic wrap and tie the ends with ribbons. They made it to Mr. H's parents house and onto the coffee table where his mom was sampling and enjoying them. Sierra somehow snuck over and ate them all when no one was looking. Most recently, I made cinnamon raisin bread and sent a loaf to my in-laws. Sierra lost her appetite and hadn't been eating much over the last couple weeks. I suggested they skip the canned dog food and try some scrambled eggs- she scarfed them up. After a couple days when she tired of eggs, she turned to my cinnamon swirl bread and ate half a loaf :-) That was okay though because most days she refused to eat anything.

On a good day, Sierra weighed between 85 and 90 pounds. When she died, she was about 60 pounds. Her ribs and spine were visible through her thick shiny black fur. If you looked at her from above and she was standing, you could see her pelvic bones- which measured about 8 inches across. She was typically a healthy dog, but because of her breed, she was susceptible to hip problems. Towards the end, it was very difficult to get around. She managed on her own but she was slow. At times, her hind legs were very weak and she couldn't stand for any amount of time and they'd buckle below her. They had to use towels to cradle her in a sling to help her along. There's carpet all throughout the house and that helped with her traction, but there were occasions when she fell and couldn't get up. The past couple of days she just lay on her side and we transported her through the house by dragging her or lifting her with a towel beneath her.

Sierra's liver was also failing due to her age. After all she was 112 in people years. She was on several daily medications and vitamins but it got to the point where they weren't helping her anymore. After she stopped eating, we knew it was only a matter of time. We fed her whatever she would eat. Sometimes it was ground beef, or chicken breast or turkey from my sandwich, other times nothing interested her, not even cheese or ice cream, which were her favorites. She was known to polish off a plate of cheese and crackers that was left on the coffee table or lap up a bowl of melted ice cream. On Sunday she had a little filet mignon and she had a little canned food on Tuesday but I think that was the last she ate. She wouldn't even take water anymore- she didn't have the strength to hold her head up to lap up any water. We don't believe she was in any pain but she didn't have the energy or strength to move. She was in her final resting spot for over 14 hours. Her breathing became labored and my MIL had several calls into vets but she couldn't get in touch with anyone.

Finally a doctor and a tech (which was also her pet sitter) came over after hours to relieve her. They gave her a sedative to keep her calm even though she hadn't moved in hours. Her eyes would blink and her brows would move around when she heard Autumn or someone walk by, but she was just so still. They gave her a shot and within seconds she was gone. At peace. And so still. It was very difficult to watch and it happened so fast but it would have been selfish of us to have kept her any longer. She lived a wonderful life and she was very well taken care of. She brought immense joy to our lives and we will miss her always.

Sierra

April 1994- July 22, 2010

Dusting Off This Blog

It's been almost a month since my last post. And even though I only blogged once for the whole month of June! That's sad, it really is. I think about this blog often and I attempt to write at least once a week, but then I get to the blank page and just stare at it. I don't know what to say. Either I don't feel like it's important or relative or...I'm at a loss for words now!

So just so you all know that I'm alive and well and this is really me and now some stranger who has high-jacked my awesome blog (ha!) I'll let you know what I've been up to.

1. I'm still working as a part time nanny 3-4 days a week. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out but I love the boys so I get over it. If I could just figure out how to get the 3 1/2 year old to poop in the toilet and not in his pants "just a little bit" then things would be so much better.
2. Father's Day was interesting. We spent it at home and my in-laws came over then we went to dinner. I don't have a close relationship with my dad so I didn't even attempt to contact him. I did call my grandpa and I sent him a card. I got a card and a small gift for Mr. H and we got a golf gift certificate and pj's for my FIL. I got a gift for my stepdad but I don't really think he's much of a father so I didn't call to gloat on him. In fact 98% of the time he's a complete ass. He and my mom were pissed at me for not making more of an effort to celebrate him. I was pissed about it for about a day then I got over it because he's not a father to me, why should I pretend?
3. My birthday was a couple weeks ago. I had to work that day but I had a nice time celebrating with family and friends the day of and the weekend prior. Obviously I don't feel any older but I'm starting to get wrinkles around my eyes and I'm NOT liking it at all. Any suggestions on eye/wrinkle cream would be greatly appreciated :-) If you would like to read about my birthday, you can go here.
4. Mr. H and I are going away for a couple days this coming weekend. Then I'm taking vacation for a week. We don't really have any plans for my time off, I just plan on relaxing and enjoying the peace and quiet.
5. On the TTC end- it's still going. We bought some fertility aid vitamins that were supposed to improve sperm quality and general fertility. I was really excited about buying them, $100 and a month later, they were still in the bag untouched. I don't know why I didn't/couldn't take them. So I returned them. I can always repurchase them right? I guess deep down I knew they wouldn't really help anything.
6. I 've been wanting to paint our bedroom and rearrange furniture in there for a while. But I'm a nerd and I needed to make sure that the furniture placement would work the way I wanted it to so I had to draw out a plan first. It will work :-) Now I just have to do it. I haven't really decided on a color yet, though I'm leaning towards lighter blue/gray/greens. Our room doesn't get much light so I don't want it to feel any darker than it is. Our bedding and decor is in these tones and we have dark wood furniture. Any suggestions? I'm all ears.
7. The Texas heat is killing me and causing me to melt away a little at a time. Why is it so dang hot and humid here? I can't wait for the fall again.

Guess that's all for now. Hopefully I'll blog again before the month is over! I hope you are all doing well. Miss you guys.

~Monica

Grief and Moving On

Started feeling guilty so I thought it was time for another post.

I guess the reason for my absence is that I don't feel like I need to blog in order to deal with my feelings. Does that make sense? It used to be that I needed to blog about everything I was feeling or experiencing in order to process it all. And it surely helped that I shared it because I felt less alone. There were other people (you guys) that understood me.

Nowadays I'm not so overwhelmed by grief so my problems seem minor in comparison, but I'm also able to talk them over with a friend or my husband and feel okay. I guess that's what one would call "normal". Though I don't always feel normal I am able to deal with everyday life situations.

Sure I have grief/fertility/TTC news that I could write about on this blog but I think twice before I share. Often times I feel it's too personal when originally that thought never crossed my mind. Progression, maybe?

Mr. H and I are okay. We are still truckin' along. There is no exciting news to share, we're still trying to conceive every month though I try not to think about it too much. I had to quit charting my saliva "ferns", marking on the calendar when we were intimate, and tracking my cycles. It became overwhelming for both of us. Each failed month that goes by still causes us stress but we're coping.

It's still hard for me to read the pregnancy/fertility/baby blogs that I used to read. It's difficult for me to continue reading about everyone's struggles and successes. I know that may sound a little chicken shit but it's the truth. When I read new stories of loss I feel deeply saddened but I don't want to go back "there". When I read stories about those that are on the other side of loss and are pregnant or have children I feel like a failure. Half of the blogs that I used to read on a regular basis don't even post even more because they've moved on. Yeah, that's purely an assumption but it's how I feel. I still read though I don't always comment because I don't have the words.

I was talking to a friend the other night over coffee at the bookstore about surpassing the 5 stages of grief- Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Check, Check, Check, Check and Check. I didn't always know about the stages of grief, but I happened to run across something online talking about it and I thought "hey, I've conquered grief". At the time I couldn't remember all five stages so I wanted to look them up in grief books. My friend said that the because I wanted to look at grief books that I was not past the acceptance stage but still in depression. I know that's just her opinion but it's something that I can't quite shake. If she sees me as depressed, surely others do. I have a hard time accepting that. Yes, thinking about my losses still hurts and makes me sad. Add on top of that all the infertility issues and some days I feel like I'm going crazy. But I'm not stuck in the dark like I used to be. I see the light though sometimes it's a little gray and cloudy.

Guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading.

Memorial Day 2010

Flowers In A Hole

We went to the cemetery today to visit Mr. H's grandparents and the boys. Upon driving up to the section in which his grandparents rest, I realized their flowers looked a little funny. We grabbed a new bouquet from the back seat along with some things to clean the headstone. When we approached their marker we realized that the flowers did indeed look funny. They weren't in a vase. Instead they were sticking in a hole in the ground in where a vase should be.

We went to the office to inquire about it. I waited in the car while Mr. H went in to talk to someone about the missing vase. their response was that there were two brothers that were going around central Texas stealing thousands of bronze vases to melt them down and collect the money. Who does that? The men were caught and are now in prison (according to the woman he spoke to) but the cemetery doesn't plan on replacing the vases and they aren't being returned.

Luckily, the boys headstones and vases were untouched.

So in order to get another vase to replace the stolen one, WE have to pay for it. That is wrong on so many levels. They did say that instead of the usual $300 to replace it we could purchase one for $60. Again, not okay with me. Over 400 bronze vases were stolen from this one cemetery, yet we were never notified. I know it's not the cemeteries fault that this happened but doesn't someone have to be held responsible.

What would you do?

Somebody Has Been Sleeping In My Bed

I'm pretty sure this is not how I left my bed this morning when I got out of it.


Aha! That explains it!

Happy Mother's Day

I love you momma!

A Daughter for Mr. and Mrs. H?

I've been wondering lately (well actually for a couple years now) what our next child's gender will be. We've had a boy and girls name picked out since we first found out we were pregnant with Sam (4 years ago) and neither have been used.

I've wondered if we'll have a girl and if I'll be satisfied with that. I know that sounds shitty, but my heart desires and misses my boys. I want a boy because I feel like I need to live out my life parenting a son. I need to know what I've been missing out on.

A few weeks ago, I was eating a popsicle while taking care of LD. It was a fruity one with a joke on the stick. The icy treat was covering up part of the popsicle and as soon as I read it, I got anxious and had to call Mr. H.



I felt like it was a sign (from the popsicle gods???) of what was to come. Then I finished the lemony pop and read the rest of the joke.

And it made me laugh.



Will we have a girl? I don't know but if we do, we'll know what to call her and it won't be Patty. She will be loved, there's no doubt about that. But do I want a boy? Yes. Will I be happy and blessed with either? Absolutely.

Filling In The Blanks

Sorry guys for asking for your prayers and thoughts for my cousin and not filling you in on the outcome. My cousin is doing very well and was released from the hospital last week. He's getting his life back together doing better than we all expected. We appreciate all your kind thoughts. I truly believe they got him through this. Thank you.

I've been sick for the last 10 days and feeling like major crud. I went to the doctor and he said it was a virus and sent me home. wtf? So I've been taking lots of cold medicine and allergy stuff in attempts to get better. Finally feeling a little better but I'm still pretty congested and coughing quite a bit. ugh.

Still taking care of the kiddos but I'm working a couple hours extra a week. LD goes to school a couple days a week so on those days I pick him up from school at noon then take care of his the rest of the day. Since I was sick last week, it was hell! It took everything I had not to call in sick, of course that meant I was falling asleep at work.

Since I pick up LD from school on my way to work, that means I have to have a car seat in my vehicle. Did you just read that? I have a car seat in my vehicle! I feel like such a fraud. I guess on the outside my life looks ideal. I live in the suburbs, I drive a big SUV and I have a car seat in the back, which must mean I have the perfect family and life. very soccer mom-ish, no? It really irritates me to have that seat in my car. I almost feel like people are judging me because of it. Or maybe that's just me judging other people because that's how I feel about the situation???

Anyway, I had a thought today. I was driving to my moms house and approached a red light. I stopped and glanced over to my left and saw a weed growing out of the concrete through a crack. I've always marveled at that because I just think it's amazing how life just happens and thrives in the most unexpected places. Really, what are the odds? Then I thought, my uterus is kind of like the concrete. I'm just waiting for a crack in which something will grow. Really, what are the odds?

I need you!

I thought of a few things to blog about, but they're going to have to wait.

My cousin is in desperate need of prayer, positive vibes or good juju, whichever you can spare. I don't want to share too much information because I don't want to invade his privacy, but he's really sick right now and in the hospital.

His labs are not good and instead of getting better, things are getting worse. Please please please say a prayer to whatever God that you believe in that he's going to be okay.

He has to be okay.

Still Here

Just don't have much to say... Thank you to those of you who checked up on me.

xoxo, Monica

For A Friend

I found this written in the snow in DC and I thought of you.

New Blog

If you're interested, I started a new photo blog a couple weeks ago called Natural Lighting. It's updated daily with a new photo. It's nothing fancy, just me sharing some of my favorites.

Hope you'll check it out!

Babe,

Happy 5th anniversary my love.

xoxo, Monica

So close

It's March and I can't help but think know that we could have a baby at home with us right now. What am I talking about? Well back in late October/ early November my mom got a call from her co-worker saying that he knew of a couple babies up for adoption because he knew of our story. His sister is head of a hospital in a small town in here in Texas and she told him if he knew of anyone who was interested in adoption to give her a call.


So I called. There were two women (one of them had the same name as me) who were giving up their babies for adoption because they couldn't care for them. They were about 4-ish months pregnant and neither knew the sex. They just knew they didn't want them. When I spoke to the lady in charge she told me that neither women were very well educated, both were Hispanic and both were in their 30's. One was married and the other was not. Both already had children.


I was also told that both babies were due in mid February and were healthy. Generally we'd have to pay for the rest of the mother's care but because they were both on Medicaid, there was no charge to us. All we had to pay was the lawyer's fees, which was about $1500. So all we had to do was wait a few months, hire a lawyer and go pick up the baby. What was stopping us?


I spoke with one mother. It was very surreal. I was basically selling myself to her, telling her all about us-- our names (first only), about our fertility history, what we did for a living, why we wanted a baby, why we didn't have children, why we couldn't have children and why we thought we'd be good parents to the baby she was carrying. I was a nervous wreck. I gave her as much info as I possibly could without sounding desperate and crazy. I also asked her a few questions.

She is married to a man who beats her, so she's separated. She currently has 6 kids though none of them live with her. 3 boys and 3 girls live with her mother and they range in age from 2-12. That's 6 kids, though this was her 12th pregnancy. Yeah, you read that right. Her first child was given up to adoption when she was 15. Somewhere in the mix she had 3 abortions and 1 miscarriage. Two of the abortions were with her husband because she didn't want to carry his children and one is because she was raped.

She told me she drank and partied a lot, except for when she was pregnant (except that seems to be all the time). She was giving up this baby because she's not on speaking terms with her mother and her mother didn't want to raise another one of her kids. Here's where the problem comes in...I judged her. I judged her for having that many pregnancies, that many abortions, for being that careless and irresponsible, for not wanting her baby, for not being a mother to the kids she had. All the while I was judging her, I felt I was being judged as well for being such a loser. She asked me to send her a picture of us and I did, anxiously, and never heard back from her. What does that mean?

I know it's wrong to have judged her. I do. If she had a perfect life, a supporting husband, the finances, etc. she would probably be keeping this baby. Then what, my judgement would end? I know that baby deserves a good life and I know we could have given it to him or her. I acknowledge that she was doing the best thing for that baby by giving him the opportunity to be raised by parents who want him. But those parents were not us.

We thought about it for a week. We thought about all we'd have to do and I became overwhelmed by the idea. I thought of how effortless it all was and got swept up in that. I liked the idea of being able to adopt and have a baby grow up with us in our quiet home. It's what we've been longing for. But that wasn't our baby. It's not because of my feelings towards the mom, but that baby just didn't feel like it was ours. I know our baby is out there and he or she is waiting for the right time to enter our lives but he wasn't it. I just feel badly because his mother didn't want him and neither did we. I hope by now he's born, healthy, happy and loved entirely by his adoptive parents.

Until then we will wait...

I know I may receive some flack for being so judgemental to a woman who was being so "selfless" but please be kind.

Jack's Third

We started off Jack's 3rd Birthday with brunch at our house. Mr. H's parents came over to share the day with us. We had Blueberry Ricotta Pancakes and a few other breakfast essentials.



Then we went to the cemetery to see the boys and their grandparents. We cleaned off their headstones and sang happy birthday to Jack. We took them fresh flowers and a special birthday boy card from his mom and dad.



We came home to Tigger and Pooh who were waiting for us and ready to have cupcakes.

We had a beautiful day with gorgeous weather and it was all about Jack. The way it should be.