This Day Last Year

ransomizr

Prayer For Jack

January 30, 2007

Dear Jack,

You are truly a blessing. Your father and I have dreamed of you for a very long time. You are a miracle created by God and sent down to us from your older brother- Samuel Andrew. I thank the Lord for you everyday and I pray to be able to hold you in my arms. I pray that you are healthy and safe and content in my belly. I pray to be able to carry you as long as I can. I pray for the thought of you. I pray that we are the best parents you could ever have/we can be. I love you and someday soon we will be together.

Love, Mom
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This is the one and only journal entry I was able to bring myself to write in Jack's pregnancy journal. I wrote this prayer to him the night before I had the cerclage placed. I guess I felt I needed to write something in case he or I didn't make it. I needed to put my prayer for him into actual words on paper, so that it was real. It hurt too much to write about anything else. The rest of the journal pages may appear blank, but they're not. They're filled with all my thoughts and love for him.

When I reread these words, I do believe I got what I prayed for. I prayed to be able to hold him in my arms and I did. I prayed that he was healthy and safe and content in my belly and he was. I prayed to be able to carry him for as long as I could and apparently I did. I prayed for the thought of him. He is still with me and I think about him everyday. I prayed to be the best parents that we could possibly be for him and we are. We are the best parents we can possibly be considering we're trying to parent a baby who's not with us. I prayed and I got what I asked for. But *this* is not what I asked for.

I miss you Jack.

My Weekend- Part Deux

My weekend sounded so much better two days ago, now it just seems old and boring, but I'll give it a-go.

Okay, after the visit at the cemetery, we went to my Mom's house and chatted a while. She went with Aaron and I to paint pottery last week, so I took her the piece she painted. She painted a tear drop shaped bowl, with a dragonfly in it. It was really nice. Sorry, but I don't have a picture of it.

Mr. H and I went home and watched K.nocked U.p. I heard good reviews about it and my Mom got it from N.etflix, so I borrowed it from her. It was really funny. I don't think it was an award winning movie, but it made me laugh a few times :-) Have any of you seen this movie? I liked all but one part of the movie- where she is giving birth and you can see the baby crowning. They show her bagina! Okay, I know it's not really HER "v", but it was still a little gross, unexpected for sure and slightly inappropriate. Don't you think?

On to Sunday...I was completely lazy all damn day (which was so nice) until I met so friends at the book store for coffee and gossiping ...err, I mean catching up. It was fun! and so nice to get away from home and out of my jammies. My weekend may not sound that exciting to you, but it felt good to do something together and it was relaxing.

Also, this was not part of my weekend, but the other lady of the 14 month old (LD) emailed to let me know they wanted to hire me as their nanny! Yeah- I'm so excited. I didn't think they would hire me because if the spanish thing, but I'm glad they did. I will start that job February 11th after I return home from seeing my Grandma. I will take care of the 4 kids tonight. I'm a little apprehensive about that one. I don't know how it will be. I only have to really watch them for an hour or so until they go to bed, but I don't know what to do for the other 4+ hours. They don't have cable, and I don't want to access any personal stuff from their computer, so I guess I'll have to take a book. I'm not a reader. Maybe this job will force me to be. Wish me luck!

My Weekend- Part 1

Yay! This is my 100th post- and it's a happy one.

I had a great weekend. The weather was beautiful- 70 degrees, sunny, warm, and partly cloudy. It was a nice change from the cold, humid, rainy-ness we had last week. Today is that way again, but at least there was a break in the weather and we were able to enjoy some outdoor time.

Mr. H and I started out Saturday morning out by going to a Farmer's Market downtown. We walked around for about an hour and a half and got MANY local goodies. I was hoping to fetch up some fresh eggs, but those are usually the first things to go. We did get, fresh honey, granola, lavender biscotti (surprisingly yum!) organic flan, handmade marinated feta cheese and a small block of blueberry Havarti cheese. Haven't tried that one yet, but all the others were great. We got some fresh sausage, HUGE gulf shrimp (that's what we're having for dinner, so stay tuned for the recipe) Oaxacan pork and chicken tamales- these suckers were huge! I like this vendor the best because she carried a pot on her head (Mr. H called her a pothead) and she called me "baby". I liked that. We got there kind of late, so they were out of a lot of vegetables besides tomatoes and I didn't need those. We also got a loaf of wheat bread and a fresh baguette - in which I slathered the marinated feta on. It was a successful trip.

We then went to lunch and visited a small, lonely cemetery in which there were many babies. It wasn't sad, but many of these people dated back to the mid to late 1800's. It just made me wonder if there were still people today that visited them, or even remembered them. That made me sad- being there did not. There was a headstone that said "Father" and had the birth and death dates on it. That's it. Does any one remember who this man is? I just hope that in 100 years, my children are still visited and people are thinking of them. I don't want them forgotten. In front of another headstone were green leaves peeking out of the ground. Even thought we were at a cemetery and all the people were dead with the exception of Mr. H and I, there was new life and it was growing just for that particular person. Someone had planted tulips for this persons spirit to enjoy and it was so touching. I wonder when they were planted. Once you plant tulip bulbs, they come back year after year. Were they planted last year, or 50 years ago? I don't know, but I do know they'll be back next year in memory of that beloved person- and that is a special gift.

To be continued...

A Couple Blogs To Visit

Please take a moment to view these two blogs.

Froggy Baby just welcomed her new love (Connor) into this world. Stop by to say hello and see how cute he is. He has a ton of hair!

Also, I'm concerned about this person. I visit her blog often and frequently leave comments, until now. If you read back a little into her blog, you can start to understand why this concerns me. I don't know what "further repercussions" means and I really don't want to either. Since you can't leave a comment on her blog, just come back here so you can worry along with me...

Hope everyone is having a great weekend- it's beautiful outside!

Before I Forget

This is a post about all the little things I forgot to blog about in the past couple weeks.

**AF finally left. I decided that I would make an appointment on Monday if she was still visiting. By Sunday evening she was gone. I did call my doctor anyway, just to let her know what was going on and to see if she thought I needed to see her. I was only able to speak to her nurse (who relayed the message to Dr. I) who then told me that I needn't be worried. She told me to watch my next cycle and see how long it is, then we'd go from there.

I have been period free for about 10 days, but as of last night, there was a little bleeding. Nothing major- just some small clots and a little pink residual blood today. Yuck- I know that's not what you were hoping to read today-sorry.

**When we went to the funeral last week, we learned some new advice about babies. One of the couples there had a miracle baby who is now 6 months old. Their doctor told them that it was not safe to throw babies up into the air, or turn them upside down until after 18 months because their livers are "floating" and do not attach til then. I have no idea if that's true or not, but it makes sense. You have no idea if that does internal damage to the babies. Has anyone heard about this before?

**My interviews went well. I used my Mom as a reference (lame, I know) since I take care of Aaron all the time and have since he was a wee one. She said the lady asked about my life, my husband, my driving record etc. My Mom lied and told her I was responsible :) She (A) has two more interviews and she said she'd let me know by the weekend. She seems really nice. She and her husband are from Venezuela. Their baby is super cute and has the cutest blond curls you've ever seen. I think the only thing that will keep me from getting the job would be that I don't speak Spanish. She was hoping (not a requirement, but it would be nice) to hire someone who spoke Spanish fluently. I told her if she hired me she could teach me! Also another plus is that she doesn't like to cook and I do, so I told her I'd help her out occasionally when she needed me to. She liked that idea very much.

The other interview I had was for a family of 6 (4 children under the age of 6). They were a little rowdy but were respectful and well-mannered. They were obedient to their parents and were over-all not that bad. I guess, I was a little scared at first because they were so loud, but I was there for an hour! and they calmed down quite a bit. I was under the impression that they still had more interviews to do (because that's what the mother said), but the father offered me the job and my first day is next Tuesday. I will be watching the kids from 7pm-2am. Seems like a long time, but the kids will have already been fed and bathed before I get there and their bedtime is at 8pm. So, really I just have to entertain them for an hour. I look forward to telling you more about them.

**I mentioned I went to paint ceramics with Aaron and my aunt and cousins a couple weeks ago, but I forgot to post pictures of our creations. Aaron painted a helmet (his first time) and I painted a set of bowls and a couple magnets. Mr. H took Aaron back to paint (without me) and he painted me a puppy dog bank that is supposed to resemble Autumn and he also painted my mom a butterfly. What do you think?

These are the beer stiens and flower that my 9 and 15 year old cousins and my aunt painted. This was also their first time paintind ceramics. The black beer stein has my cousins name on and in it, so I blacked it out. They use these to drink milk out of :)

Stressed. Need A Job. Not Qualified.

Mr. H and I work for my in-laws. They own a custom home building business out of their home. They have been doing this for 30+ years. I quit my job in July of 2005 and I have been working for them ever since. My duties are vague. I am considered a consultant. What the hell does a consultant do? I'm sure whatever "they" do, I don't. We are both on the payroll and get paid regardless of what we do. Sometimes I go to the grocery store, I make gift baskets for clients, I take trips with her, I look up stuff on the Internet, etc. It's basically an assistant job. We are both allowed to work from home as long as whatever they need done gets done. It's fairly simple, but the in-laws make it so effin' difficult. They drive me up the crazy wall. I know my blood pressure goes up when I am around them. My MIL is bipolar. She will deny it til she's blue in the face, but she is. Her doctor diagnosed her with this a few years ago, but never told her. Maybe because he was afraid of her...who knows. She has a very strong personality, and she can turn anyone into a pushover. That's just the way she is. But I swear she's crazy. She'll be fine one minute and completely upset and cussing the next. If you do anything for her, either it's the absolute best thing in the world and it could not be better, or it's complete shit- try again.

Our recent trip was like this. The ride up there was great, the ride back down- not so much. She was pleasant and friendly, making jokes, socializing etc. On the way back she took a crazy pill. She seemed fine as we left, but a few hours into it and she was angry. She huffs and puffs and releases huge sighs when she tries to make a point. I ignore her. If you're not driving just the right speed, if it's too hot, or cold, if the roads are bumpy, if something is not her way, she's a beeotch. I hate to talk about my MIL this way, but she stresses me out. The last few hours of our trip were hell. Literally. My FIL sat in the back seat with me and had the heater turned up all the way for hours. I was cooking. Anyway, MIL was pissed at who knows what (for hours) and kept taking it out on FIL. When she's mad, she takes it out on him- always. Something can always be traced back to him (no matter the problem). When we finally got home, she went inside and left us and all the stuff in the truck, because she was pissed. We unpacked everything- suitcases, coats, pillows, blankets, cameras, purses, coolers, etc. Everything. She was inside checking the messages left on the phone. She went to go sit in the living room and watched us unload. Mr. H and I then had to load up all of our stuff and the pets in our vehicle. She sat in the chair and observed, giving us the silent treatment. As we were leaving, she starts speaking to us. The car is on and running, the pets were in the car waiting and she wants to carry on a conversation!!!

Mr. H get so frustrated when she does that. It was already approaching 11 pm and was annoyed with his mom and he didn't want to listen to her bitching anymore. My FIL walked us out. He asked Mr. H to stop arguing with his mother. Another argument started. Mr. H stated that it wasn't right for her to be bitchy and take it out on everyone, and my FIL defended her. He said she's stressed and doesn't feel well. He always sticks up for her even when he's usually the target of her rage.

So my question to you is: Is it an admirable quality for him to defend his wife no matter the circumstance? or Is he just a pushover?

On another note, work has been slooooow. My FIL is showing signs of al.zheimers, like his father had. We haven't taken on many jobs because of this. He is essentially the brains of the company. Mr. H and I just do what they ask, and offer input on occasion, but he does all the contracting. My MIL draws up plans and does all the designing. Either we work together, or we don't at all. Because of this, money has become a stressor. Since they have some time (since they aren't doing any jobs for others) they have decided to renovate their bathroom. (FYI-Not a good idea of you're trying to control your stress).

Because work has been so slow, I have been casually looking for another part-time job. I love kids and since I can't have any of my own, I thought I would look for nanny jobs. I have been looking on C.raigslist. and found a few I was interested in. I interviewed with a lady a couple weeks ago who has 2 children (5 and 1). She only needed someone to watch them on Saturdays from 9-1. We had a great interview (I thought) and I emailed her about her decision to hire me and she emailed back saying she didn't think I was qualified to take care of a toddler. That hurts. Why couldn't she just say she found someone else? Why did she have to insult me by saying I wasn't qualified? I think it hurts more because my babies died. That makes me feel as though I wasn't qualified to be a mother. If I'm not qualified to take care of her children for 4 hours, then how would/could I take care of my own? I know what she probably meant was that I didn't have the experience, but that's not what she said.

I found a couple more ads that interested me and I have interviews with them tomorrow. I spoke to both of them and they seem super nice. One lady has a 14-month old boy and she needs help caring for him (3 days/week - 4 hours/day) since she works from home. Another needs a sitter for her 4 kids one night a week from 7p-2a. It seems like a long time, but they will have already been fed, and they go to sleep at 8:30. So, really I only have to watch them for about an hour and a half. The pay is average, but at least it would give me something to do and I could get away from my in-laws. Both of my interviews are tomorrow at 5 and 7pm. I wanted to bake them some cookies, but didn't want to seem like a brown-noser. I like to bake and I often bake stuff for people just because. Do you think by taking them baked goods, I am showing them my personality? or Do you think it makes me look like a kiss ass? I would never bring cookies to a professional job interview, but I felt like this was different, because it was so personal. What do you think?

Color Of My Energy

Last night's sunset (unfocused).

I'm B-a-a-a-ck!

I decided to come back rather than stay with my grandmother. She had her stint put in on Thursday and everything went well. She was out and in recovery in about 30 minutes. Her doctor decided to postpone her lumpectomy for February 5th so she can recover from the sinus infection she had. I spoke to her this morning and she sounds so much better. She sounds like herself again. I was going to surprise her by visiting, but she didn't know I was coming. She said she had an idea, and kept running to the window every time she heard a diesel (we drive an Excursion) to see if I might "show up". She said she expected me to do something like that and she hoped I would come by to see her. I felt bad for not going, but I really couldn't afford to stay with her now then fly back to see her in two weeks. That's 3 plane tickets. I looked on the airlines website today and if I buy them now (2 weeks in advance) they are less expensive. I told her I was going to visit her in February and she is beyond thrilled. So we'll do this all over again in two weeks.

We left Wednesday morning for the funeral on Thursday and we came back late last night. It was beautiful and there were so many people there to honor and remember her life. It was not sad though. I hand wrote the letter to Marie (in the last post) to give to her husband Jimmy. He seemed to have really appreciated it.

It was not a vacation, but it was nice to get away from my routine life and just relax. There was no email, very minimal phone calls, no radio, just each other and family. I needed that, even if it was for only 2 nights at a B.est W.estern. BTW, I got to see snow (well, ice crystals on the windshield that looked like tiny frozen trees). We actually had to scrape it off before we left. It got down to the teens- woohoo! We haven't had to do that in years!!! While on this trip I heard my MIL say she had a "hot ass", she said the word "twat" and my FIL spoke about a "schlong". We also stopped at a gas station for a potty break in which there was a sign that read "Wild hogs for sale". That pretty much sums up my trip!

Blogging Break

I'm taking a break. I need a break. Well actually, I need a vacation, but that's not happening anytime soon. We are heading out in the morning for the funeral. It's a long drive (9 hours) and it will be with my in-laws to boot, so wish me well. The funeral is Friday afternoon at 2 pm. Mr. H and the out laws will come back and I'll stay with my grandmother for her surgery. They will put in her stint tomorrow morning. If it's worse than they think, then they'll have to do open heart surgery and postpone the cancer removal. If the stint will work then the surgery remains for Tuesday. Either way, I need to be there with her.

I should be back next Friday the 25th. I will not have access to the internet (bummer!) so maybe you'll get an update through Mr. H if I can talk him into writing one. Thank you all for being so supportive and for all the prayers.

~Monica

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I'll leave you with pictures of the tulips Mr. H bought me last night. The green is the cut stems. They smelled like fresh cut grass. I love the blue center- it reminds me of denim.

She's Gone

M.arie A.dams passed away this morning on January 15, at 9:06 a.m. in her home after 14 months of battling cancer. She was sleeping peacefully with her husband Jimmy, 3 children and grandchildren by her side. Please take a quick moment of silence and say a brief prayer for her family as they are missing her.
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I sit here typing with tears rolling down my face all the way to my chest. My head is pounding. I miss her and I am angry for what she had to go through. I am angry that she was in pain, and even though she is no longer suffering, her family is. I am angry that her family has to live without her. She didn't deserve this. She was a wonderful woman. She was caring. We were blessed because we knew her. I don't understand... and maybe I never will.

I had been thinking about her and wanting to send a card. I never did. I don't beat myself up for it, but I regret not doing it. I was hesitant to send it because I didn't think anything I could have said would have made a difference. I also kept thinking that if I sent it, they would receive it after she passed, and that would only make things harder. I hope she knew we were thinking of her. There are so many things I would have said to her, so maybe now I will.


Dear Marie,

I've been thinking about you lately. I 'm sorry that we weren't there with you in person, but we were with you in spirit. I'm glad your children were by your side and you were able to spend a little time with them.

From the very beginning, you accepted me. I was never a visitor, or Mr. H's girlfriend, I was family. I remember coming to your home and sitting on the front porch looking out into the field. We would all sit together and eat, and drink cold iced tea. You always spent the entire day cooking and preparing dishes in the kitchen for everyone to feast on. My favorite was your pumpkin roll. I've dreamed about that pumpkin roll and it's creamy filling :) I attempted to make one for Thanksgiving, but it wasn't nearly as good as yours. Everything was wonderful. There was tradition and love in everything you laid your hands on. We'd talk A LOT! and catch up on each other's lives. We didn't do it nearly enough, but I looked forward to the family reunions when we'd see each other.

I was so grateful and blessed to have been a part of your anniversary celebration. I wouldn't have traded that experience for the world. You were embarrassed and self conscience of the way you looked because you didn't have any hair. You were beautiful to me. You had a difficult time walking down the aisle, but you did it. I was impressed by your strength and will power. Your love as husband and wife continues to amaze me. Your dedication to one another was truly inspirational and I aspire to live up to that. I know you fought with all of your might, and as far as I'm concerned, you were a winner. You showed me that no matter what life hands you, you should fight. You were and always will be an example of courage to me.

I miss you already. I know that feeling of sadness will fade over time, but I will always remember you and your beauty. I'm glad you've found your way home and I bet you're loving Heaven. Please give a hug to my boys from me. I miss them so incredibly much. I feel a sense of relief because you are now with them and I know that you will care for them as I would. Know that I am blessed because I knew you.


Until we meet again,

Monica

Hurdles

My grandma had her NST done last Thursday to make sure her heart was able to handle the stress of the upcoming surgery. She got winded on the treadmill in the incline position, so they stopped the test and monitored her. The cardiologist thinks there's a blockage in her arteries leading up to her heart. He wants to place a stint to keep the arteries "open" and clear. It's a day surgery and they would be done this Thursday! Holy moly, that's a lot to take in. I can't imagine the stress she's in. She and I worry. That's what we do, so I know even though she's trying to act cool, she's panicking inside.

As far as I know, the surgery to remove the cancer is still scheduled for Tuesday, the 22nd. My grandpa got sick right after Christmas and he was being really careful not to get her sick, but it happened. She's been sick for over a week and the doctors offices are so busy they won't see her. She made an appointment with the doc to get a prescription for some antibiotics, but they won't see her until the 21st. That's ludicrous! They are going to try to squeeze her in tomorrow (sometime), but if she's not well by the 22nd, she'll have to postpone the surgery. She went to the doctor today to get the results. Afterwards she went shopping. She said that made her feel better. She's just been so tired lately, with being sick and having to travel an hour each way to see the doctor. I know it's only going to get worse when she starts radiation. I know I said she would be doing chemo a few posts back, but she misunderstood. It's radiation for sure, which is a blessing in itself.

I wish I could be there with her every step of the way. Since I can't, I ask that you all keep her in your prayers. I will be praying endlessly. Not for a miracle, but for good health and quick healing.

Unexpected Growth

Something a little happier :)

What Is This?

Mr. H just left to go pick up Aaron from school. After that they are on their way to go paint ceramics (!) Can you believe that? Mr. H is so impatient, it's not even funny, but he found something he wanted to paint. Aaron is hooked too. He has asked for the last 3 days to go back and we've taken him. I need to find a cheaper hobby.

**The rest of this post will be about my period, so if you don't want to know about it, stop reading now! (but please keep reading, because I need your opinion)**

Okay, my cycles usually last for 3 days- normal, not too heavy, no cramping, done in 3 days. Except for this one. This period was 11 days late. And it has lasted 10 days!!! That's absurd. What's going on? This cycle is not heavy, but there are more clots (I warned you!) than usual and I've been cramping a lot too. I have only been feeling the cramping in the evenings and as I sleep. In fact, the cramping woke me up twice because it hurt so badly. And as I was rubbing my abdomen, it was firm (my abdomen is NOT usually firm). Is this normal? I feel silly even asking this, but do you think this could be a miscarriage or just a wacky cycle? I feel silly asking this because we are/were not trying to get pregnant right now. If I was pregnant (even for a week- I told you this was silly) it was by pure accident. We have been really careful using condoms and the occasional pull-out method. (I don't condone that method, but it worked for us for 6 years- I'm just saying...) I consider a miscarriage a loss of a child, a baby, an unborn fetus. An embryo??? But would you consider a late, irregular, clotty looooong cycle a miscarriage? I know I sound so dramatic, but I can't think of any other explanation for this. I feel fine other than the symptoms that I mentioned above. Mr. H said he didn't think there was anything wrong with me, because I AM NOT PREGNANT. I'm not looking for sympathy here, just your opinion. I really don't want to go to the doctor. I just don't feel like it's necessary, especially if this is just a "late, irregular, clotty looooong cycle". I've read that many women who have miscarriages don't even know they've had one because it was so early on and there were no symptoms other than a late period. Have any of you had a cycle like this? Or am I just over reacting? Here are a few definitions for you, to help you out.
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wacky-

1. ludicrous, foolish;
2. informal or slang terms for mentally irregular;

menstrual cycle-

The periodic series of changes in the female reproductive system associated with the preparation of the uterus for pregnancy; the cycle is repeated roughly every twenty-eight days. During the menstrual cycle, an ovum is released from one of the ovaries (the release is called ovulation), and the uterus develops an inner lining enriched with blood to prepare it for the possible implantation of a zygote. If fertilization and implantation do not take place, the lining of the uterus is discharged during menstruation.

miscarriage-

The premature, spontaneous expulsion of the products of pregnancy (an embryo or fetus) from the uterus, usually in the first trimester. Also called spontaneous abortion.
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Also, for those who have had a miscarriage this early, I don't mean to act like it's not a real loss. I think when a life is lost no matter how small, it is still significant. But if one doesn't know they are/were pregnant and they have a late period (as I am) does it still count? If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody around, does it make a sound? Can you be hurt by a loss you don't even know took place? So like I asked above do you think this is an "irregular...discharge of uterine lining" or is this a "spontaneous expulsion of pregnancy products"? Can a wacky cycle be a miscarriage or are they all together their own thing?

Please give me your opinion on this matter. I'd like to know how you feel about this topic in general as well as my unique circumstances.

A Real Post With Words

It's been mostly picture posts lately because I haven't had much to write about. I don't really have anything to say tonight, but I'll give it a shot because I'm feeling a little blogger guilt.

AF came to visit and the bitch won't leave. She's over stayed her welcome and I'm trying to evict her, but it ain't working! Does anyone have any suggestions- she's getting on my nerves?

Today was a long day. Mr. H and I went to my in-laws house to do some work. Well actually Mr. H did all the work, and I went shopping. My MIL and I went to an antique shop to find an old mirror to hang in their bathroom. At the moment it is being remodeled, and it's all torn apart. We found exactly what she was looking for, so that's good. She can be such a pain in the ass sometimes (and annoying). But isn't that what MIL's are for? She was looking for something "rectilinear" (her word not mine), and "masculine". Something with "curve" and "body". And it had to be real wood. Does anybody reading this know what the hell she is talking about? Yeah, me neither. And she was getting on the shop owners nerves too. He would point something out and she would start talking about recta- something or another. But we found a mirror, and like I said that's a good thing!

After that, I picked up Aaron around 4pm and we went to go paint ceramics. I gave him and my two other cousins (ages 15 and 9) a gift certificate for Christmas. My aunt came along too and we had a good time. BTW, if you ever want to talk yourself out of having children, then go to a ceramic shop with 3 tweens! We had a good time though. The two cousins painted beer steins (ha!) and Aaron painted a football helmet with card symbols (hearts, diamonds, spades etc) and a couple crosses, his name and a longhorn! That one should be interesting. He kept saying afterwards that he had such a great time (like 5 times)- and I'm glad. I'll post pics when we get them back. I have to go back in a couple days, because I didn't complete my project. Mr. H said he'd go with me next time and paint something, but I think he was just in a good mood when he said that.

We have found (hopefully) new life insurance through A1G. We had life insurance that we got about a year ago, but the company (Amer1pr1se) screwed us over and we are having to search again. Insurance can be such an ordeal! We have our medical exams scheduled for tomorrow morning. Hopefully we will get everything worked out and we won't have to deal with that anymore. Then we're going to Costco- woohoo! Let's see how fast we can spend $200.

I have an appointment scheduled for January 17th with the fertility clinic to discuss freezing embryos and such. I have waited a while for this appointment but I don't know if I really want to keep it. I got mad at Mr. H last month because I felt like he was deceiving me. We have since talked about it (not really in depth, but we've talked) and he says he was not wanting to freeze embryos to delay having children. He wants to do it as a back up plan. I originally thought that's what I wanted too, but I'm starting to change my mind for a couple of reasons. 1) I want to carry my baby, and if I can't then I don't know if I want someone else to either. I'm a jealous person, remember? 2) It's so expensive! and in the end, I'm not really guaranteed a baby. What if the baby were to die, or the surrogate were in a car wreck? What if there were complications with my egg or sperm, and it's not just my body and we pay the tens of thousands of dollars? We're not gonna get it back. We're basically paying for the experience (an experience I can't really experience- does that make sense?) Adoption is starting to look better to me. 1) It's a little less expensive, but in the end we WILL have a baby. The old saying "You get what you pay for" really is true in this situation. It's not as if there is a shortage of babies without homes out there. 2) I was really against adoption at first (well not really against it, but it wasn't my first option), but the more I think about it the more I like it. Of course, I'd rather bear my own children, but if I can't then adoption is fine with me. I thought that the baby wouldn't feel like mine, or that I wouldn't love him/her like Sam or Jack, but I really feel that there is a baby out there that is meant to be ours. That will call us Mama and Dada. I know this baby is out there. It may be born from my own body and maybe not, but it's waiting for us.

My Grandma has a surgery date scheduled for the 22nd of this month. She was supposed to meet with the cardiologist on Monday to get the go-ahead to have the surgery, but things didn't work out so well. She's diabetic and they told her to fast for the morning of her appointment. Her appt. was at 1:15, but they were running 3 people behind. By 2pm, she still hadn't been seen and she was hungry and thirsty. Her blood sugar was out of whack, so she rescheduled for Thursday (tomorrow) morning at 8am. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and the cancer will be removed on the 22nd as planned. I was wanting to go up there to be with her, but I'm not sure how things will work out. Mr. H's 2nd cousin (the one with cancer) has been put on Hospice care. She went to the ER last week, because she was vomiting uncontrollably and they sent her home. They pretty much said it was only a matter of time, and that they could not do anything for her. That was a real wake up call. Her body is no longer responding to chemo and they really don't expect her to live to the end of the month. She lives in the same vicinity as my grandmother. Mr. H, my in-laws and I were going to drive (9 hours) to see her before she passed away. We don't really know when that will be. Heck, it could be tomorrow. Either way, I don't want to have to make two separate trips up there within a week of each other. I'm hoping I can fly in for my grandmother's surgery and just meet my in-laws later in the week. I'm not sure how it will all work out, but I'm sure it will. I hate that I am having to make this trip knowing that one of the visits is going to be for a funeral. It makes me sick and I hurt for her family. Since she is confined to a hospital bed, her husband went out to buy a twin bed so he could sleep next to his wife in bed. I can't imagine waking up one day and my soul mate not being there. I just can't ...

Well I guess that's it for now. But I will leave you with a nice picture of my boo-boo. I was messing with the paper shredder the other day because the damn thing wouldn't shred. One of the shredder blades got bent and paper was getting clogged in it. I didn't want to unplug the thing because I was going to have to keep plugging it in to check to see if it was working. I flipped the thing over and started jamming the scissors, the pen, the pen cap, anything that was small enough to fit in between the blades. Then I hurt myself. Not on the blades, or the scissors but when I put the stupid thing down! Those things are heavy and it slipped as I was putting back over the trash receptacle and "skinned" my ring finger. It hurt, but I thought I just rubbed it. I looked down and blood started to well up and my skin had rubbed off and was just sitting there. It was kinda cool and gross at the same time (so I took a picture, of course) Mr. H said I was crazy. "You could be bleeding to death, but you have to stop a take a picture. Put the camera down!" Yeah, maybe so, but I fixed the shredder!

Color Change

for my blog and my toes :)

OPI Polish- Princesses Rule (l) I Don't Know...Beets Me! (r)

Rub A Dub Dub...

... Autumn's in the tub.